your husbands strong drive for certain types of erotic expression really also need to be examined in a therapeutic context. Your description of it just sounds too wired, too strong for it to be healthy. I recognize however that this may be a reflection of your feelings about his expression of needs.

his conflation of femininity and submission is a common one because it's a male fantasy. This fantasy plays out in many aspects of our society ranging from women politicians and their cookie recipes to the classic ball gag and soft rope play. quite frankly, I wouldn't put too much stock in it unless he tries to impose it on you or any other woman. Then I would pull him up short and trip his submissive switch into following your diktat

Whatever you do, don't let yourself get pushed into doing something you're not comfortable with. As I said above, you must feel safe in order for there to be safe play. Do some research on your own. Check out the soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ. pay close attention to the concept of safe words (note this applies to both top and bottom). you must be able to say no. If you feel saying no would cause anger or some form of physical or emotional retaliation, then this is not a good person to play with. I cannot emphasize this enough. You always must be able to say no and you always must be able to respect the other person saying now. The Hollywood fantasy of no limits BDSM should remain just a fantasy and not be expressed anywhere near a living, breathing, human being.

If, at the end of the day, you just are not comfortable and will never be comfortable with his needs, then bail. Your husband sounds like a very high maintenance person and his job takes a huge toll on your life with all the moving. Life is too short to not have a good partner in all aspects of life, including the erotic.

If the answer you get from the advice columnist sends you to therapy, you are probably asking the wrong advice columnist.

You are willing to Good, Giving, and Game, or you aren't. You either meet your partner's needs, or you give your partner permission to get needs met outside the marriage, or you split up. There is not and solution in therapy. You have to decide which of these three answers is the most palatable to you, and then stick with your decision.

Because you are not going to change your partner. If you partner needs these things to achieve satisfaction, then your partner needs these things to achieve satisfaction. No way to change that. Your partner will get these needs met, with you or without you. So you must make sure the decision is made on your terms, not in spite of you.

And if you do decide to be GGG with this, make sure your needs are met as well. Don't let your partner's needs overwhelm your needs. Make your partner agree to give you equal time, and require this, to the point of withholding if you don't get your fair share.

But you cannot pretend this will go away somehow. You can only decide how you are going to live with it.

I have only done a poor job of responding how I believe Dan Savage would have responded, based on many years of reading his columns.

He's using a buzzword to manipulate you. It's perfectly reasonable for you to exercise your best judgment about what you do. He's accusing you of being judgmental because you won't do what he wants. Of the two of you, who do you think should be making judgments about what you do with your body?

Fetishes and kinks are great, but manipulating others into fulfilling those fantasies is wrong. Sex, and marriage, is supposed to be about both people's needs being met. He seems to disappear or find a way out every time you need his help with real-life responsibilites (such as pregnancy and moving).

Let's try an old Dear Abby trick: Are you better off with him or without him?

Why do all Carey Tennis letters page begin and end with pious statements that the letter writer needs to dump their partner? It's deeply troubling. You don't know these people and you don't have to live with the fallout of a broken marriage. It's just so creepy.

Are you sure you'd be dominant?

The bottom controls.

To me, the most disturbing part of the letter was the "checking out" emotionally, and the time spent with on-line role-playing. An adult man, whatever his fantasies, should not be learning about them playing games.

Being an adult is serious business: especially with a new baby. While I can sympathize with the desire for a fulfilling sexual relationship, I cannot sympathize with the sacrifice of real world action for that fulfillment. Games are fine for extra time. They should not dominate a life or a relationship.

Bottom line: it does not seem like hubby is living in the real world. I would maybe have a frank conversation about being an adult, and about the attendant expectations.

Though I strongly agree with Cary: with all you have going on, you need some extra space for an extra real world.

It's yours, too. People like you throw around the word "avatar" with gay(no pun intended) abandon, and you have no idea wtf these things mean - just like you have no idea about life in general.

"The incarnation of a Hindu deity, especially Vishnu, in human or animal form." Usually depicted by a Japanimation character, incidentally.

Now whether or not you subscribe to this world-view, to the best of my knowledge, Vishnu wasn't partial to being @$$-frigged by a strap-on. But I could be wrong. Second life? He needs to get a first one.

F.A.K.E. - or worthless - does it really matter?

But you have some choices to make since you cannot truly love someone while simultaneoulsy wanting them to change who they are.

He had these inclinations before you married him so its safe to assume THIS IS HIM.

And YOU are YOU.

No need to dissect it psychologically. No need to dig into your own past on this. Everyone is different in what they like. The challenge for you is whether or not you can live with it.

Since you are uncomfortable doing the things he likes (don't beat yourself up for that or try to force it - it won't work)you have to decide whether its OK to STAY in the marriage and figure out a way to get your own needs met and allow him to do the same OR leave the marriage.

A decision to stay together and look outside the marriage for these special needs is a decision only YOU can make, really. He's already DOING what he needs to do. Can you handle that? What needs do you have? How would you feel about developing your own separate "needs" network? What other value are you getting from the relationship with your husband? (you mentioned the kids) Is that worth the trade off?

If you decide its worth it to stay and broach the subject of the outside needs attainment you'll probably have to delineate certain rules and boundaries that accompany this freedom. (such as: cannot do it in our mutual home, no overnights apart, no mentioning around kids, budgetary considerations, whatever is appropriate for your situation).

What you have to stop trying to do is CHANGE yourself to suit him. He is who he is and you are who you are. This is NOT like sitting through Battlestar Gallactica with your hubby cuz it's his favorite show. We're talking about some fundamental sexual differences.

If an open situation feels kooky to you, maybe it time to consider ending the marriage because it sounds like all his behavior is making you doubt yourself and whether you should be doing this or that when there's nothing wrong with either of you. You're just different.

Either way, remember you are as important as he. Your needs are as important as he. Don't try to change yourself into something you're not. Be at peace with yourself. Untie yourself from all those knots you've got yourself wound in.

I sincerely wish you the best.