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• Monday, May 19, 2008 08:05 PM

  Nothing wrong with you and nothing wrong with him

  But you have some choices to make since you cannot truly love someone while simultaneoulsy wanting them to change who they are.

  He had these inclinations before you married him so its safe to assume THIS IS HIM.

  And YOU are YOU.

  No need to dissect it psychologically. No need to dig into your own past on this. Everyone is different in what they like. The challenge for you is whether or not you can live with it.

  Since you are uncomfortable doing the things he likes (don't beat yourself up for that or try to force it - it won't work)you have to decide whether its OK to STAY in the marriage and figure out a way to get your own needs met and allow him to do the same OR leave the marriage.

  A decision to stay together and look outside the marriage for these special needs is a decision only YOU can make, really. He's already DOING what he needs to do. Can you handle that? What needs do you have? How would you feel about developing your own separate "needs" network? What other value are you getting from the relationship with your husband? (you mentioned the kids) Is that worth the trade off?

  If you decide its worth it to stay and broach the subject of the outside needs attainment you'll probably have to delineate certain rules and boundaries that accompany this freedom. (such as: cannot do it in our mutual home, no overnights apart, no mentioning around kids, budgetary considerations, whatever is appropriate for your situation).

  What you have to stop trying to do is CHANGE yourself to suit him. He is who he is and you are who you are. This is NOT like sitting through Battlestar Gallactica with your hubby cuz it's his favorite show. We're talking about some fundamental sexual differences.

  If an open situation feels kooky to you, maybe it time to consider ending the marriage because it sounds like all his behavior is making you doubt yourself and whether you should be doing this or that when there's nothing wrong with either of you. You're just different.

  Either way, remember you are as important as he. Your needs are as important as he. Don't try to change yourself into something you're not. Be at peace with yourself. Untie yourself from all those knots you've got yourself wound in.

  I sincerely wish you the best.

  —MaddieP Read MaddieP's other letters
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