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your husbands strong drive for certain types of erotic expression really also need to be examined in a therapeutic context. Your description of it just sounds too wired, too strong for it to be healthy. I recognize however that this may be a reflection of your feelings about his expression of needs.
his conflation of femininity and submission is a common one because it's a male fantasy. This fantasy plays out in many aspects of our society ranging from women politicians and their cookie recipes to the classic ball gag and soft rope play. quite frankly, I wouldn't put too much stock in it unless he tries to impose it on you or any other woman. Then I would pull him up short and trip his submissive switch into following your diktat
Whatever you do, don't let yourself get pushed into doing something you're not comfortable with. As I said above, you must feel safe in order for there to be safe play. Do some research on your own. Check out the soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ. pay close attention to the concept of safe words (note this applies to both top and bottom). you must be able to say no. If you feel saying no would cause anger or some form of physical or emotional retaliation, then this is not a good person to play with. I cannot emphasize this enough. You always must be able to say no and you always must be able to respect the other person saying now. The Hollywood fantasy of no limits BDSM should remain just a fantasy and not be expressed anywhere near a living, breathing, human being.
If, at the end of the day, you just are not comfortable and will never be comfortable with his needs, then bail. Your husband sounds like a very high maintenance person and his job takes a huge toll on your life with all the moving. Life is too short to not have a good partner in all aspects of life, including the erotic.
