Letters to the Editor
-
Reread your own letter
LW, did you even read your own letter? If not, read over it again. Pretend like someone wrote it to you, asking for your advice. Now then.... Seems like a pretty simple answer, doesn't it?
-
It's not about diagnosis
Frankly, I don't care what mental health issues the guy has (if any). LW, trust your instincts. It sounds like your fiance's antics are taking up a lot of your head-space and messing with your sense of duty to yourself. This is not about your country! This is about your life, now and in the future. This guy you're with? Apparently doesn't get that.
Cutting off a relationship with someone who is would rather leave for six years than build a life with you is not un-American (if anything, it's VERY American). You deserve someone who WANTS to consult you about life decisions - not someone who doesn't even bother! . Someone who will support your life as much as you support his.
Try ultimatums with this guy if you must, for your own emotional sanity. Probably won't work, but it's worth trying if it helps you feel more confident about facing your community, if you are still afraid of what they will think. You truly shouldn't be afraid - sounds like you know he's not the "one" for you; others probably do too. Yes, you'd be postponing the inevitable.
You know what will happen: at times, he may appear to be the kind of stable you need him to be; but he will, again, come undone. Do you want to go through this again in a few weeks, months, years? When there really are fun, eccentric, intelligent people out there who will be there for you, who WANT to be there, who won't lead you to question your patriotism instead of dealing with emotional turmoil?
-
has flirted with the idea of being a criminal
WireOmonkey, although I agree with your post, the one thing that concerned me was that particular statement in the letter. While depressed or bi-polar people can certainly be wildly creative & brilliant, they can also be wildly unpredictable & impulsive. Whether it was just a harmless off-the-cuff sort of remark the boyfriend made or not, I'd tend to err on the side of caution & voice some concerns as the LW did. Unfortunately we really don't have enough information in this letter to go on since it's based purely on personal observation provided by the LW, but I think her concerns are very real.
If the BF is not willing to take her suggestion to see a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis, then I think it might be wiser (if not safer) for her to move on without him.
-
"Bipolar" doesn't have a hyphen in it!
If you're going to attempt to diagnose the guy (which I find suspect), at least spell the word correctly. It's "bipolar," not "bi-polar."
LW: Let the guy go. Yes, he's fascinating, but he'll get more and more frustrating if you marry him. Good luck to you.
-
People who are offended by others with opinions:
I don't think anyone's trying to diagnose the guy here. Just relating what little we know of the situation to our own experiences which is what people try to do when they give advice.
-
My late husband was this guy
Don't marry this guy or at least go into this with your eyes very wide open and don't plan on having children.
Trust me, I know how much you don't want to let this get in the way of a marriage you want to a person you do love. But, speaking from experience, love is not enough to throw away your own future happiness and possibly your life as well as the impact this will have on your parents/siblings. It will even if you don't think it will.
I'm not saying he will end up like my husband but I can tell you, love will carry you through a lot but it won't keep you from being damaged in the process with your own career, family and friends.
The description of your fiancee could be the long lost twin of my husband but mine was under doctor care the whole time. The illness is something you can live with IF they are under care and responsible for themselves. But if they are not...I truly hope you find a way in your heart to walk away from this guy and think of yourself and your family's happiness and future.
-
Crazy enough...
When very young, I married a man who had bi-polar disorder. Ideas about mental illness were very limited then, and although I questioned his many oddities, none of the professional grown-ups around us thought he was nuts. The various psychiatrists who came and went diagnosed him as being anxious and promptly put him on stunning levels of Valium. After eight years, I didn't care whether he was crazy or not-crazy. I'd had it. I said as much and left. Many years later, at the age of fifty, he took a flier off an overpass and killed himself.
As I say, I saw and sensed many of his problems but, since I doubted myself and my own perceptions, I ignored my correct and self-preserving instincts. The price of staying with someone who is so severely mentally ill is to become sick yourself. It took me a long time to recover.
The LW might ask herself why she would consider staying a single instant with this man and then, whether she can answer this question or not, she should leave.
Run, my dear, as far and as fast as you can.
-
Focus
1) I am bipolar, so is my daughter and several of my extended family members. This guy would fit right in.
2) I LOVE Cary's advice where he points out the "red herring."
So many times I fall for this kind of ploy when dealing with my family. I get the focus on the wrong part of the situation, spend countless cycles spinning around trying to figure out how to deal with the wrong issue. Take the advice, don't focus on the "maybe he needs psychiatric help" or "maybe he's just real patriotic". Focus on the part where he committed 6 years of his life to something that in no way includes you.