Letters to the Editor
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where are you in all this?
where are the projects you're working on, your ambitions and goals? your brilliance and genius? do you have a need to rescue others (men) and be consumed by men, their drama and their psyche and not your own? yes he sounds very bipolar and it seems like you spend your life's energy entirely focused on him, which he sucks out of you like a vampire. he won't stop until your youth and life are gone and then it's too late for you to live for you. please reconsider this so-called relationship. go and live for yourself first and find others who have room for YOU in their grandiosity.
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There should be a chart in every shrink's office
Joining the Marine Corps all of a sudden= Bipolar
Choosing to live in a tent in the woods= Schizophrenic
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Cry a little for the nice people and it will be fine
Yes, you can ethically break up with someone who is going in the Marines. Being an officer's wife is a huge deal. He didn't talk to you about it before signing up. That was a tad...inconsiderate*. If you don't want to stay with this guy, then don't.
As for managing spin control, do this: wait until he has left the job and before he's gone to basic. (All Marines do real basic training, even if they're going to OSC, even if they're going to be medical officers or JAG officers.) Then break up with him. Then quietly tell people that you love him but you can't possibly bear the thought of being a military widow. Place a hand on your forehead and look stressed. Tear up a little. Tell them you'll always love him, but you're just so scared for him and love him so much that you can't possibly support this decision. Play the tragic heroine.
Then find a nice guy who recycles and doesn't want to be a Marine.
*(My first reaction was "What a fucking asshole!")
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@mg0314a
Cary has made his credentials and approach abundantly clear on many occasions. He draws on the general nature of his own experiences, compassion and literary skills to address issues. He writes the column as entertainment and has emphasised that fact also. He never diagnoses, but he sometimes reflects back potential problems that are indicated implicitly and/or explicitly in the letter.
Anyone who thinks, as you seem to, that his advice should be the equivalent of a personalized session with a psychologist or psychiatrist is, frankly, an idiot.
As for the letter, I'm with ololon and allie. Take mental health off the table and you've still got someone who not only committeed the next 6 years without consulting you, but also dictated a particular lifestyle, including periods of absence of partner, for you along with it.
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Wait a Tic
He's quitting his job and joining the Marines without so much as a heads up for you?
I think the engagement's over.
Sure, he might well be suffering from a mental illness. You might well get the stink-eye from acquaintances over breaking up with such an American hero.
But the hard truth is, he did this without telling you, without asking you, as if you didn't matter or exist in his plans for the future.
Unless you're content to merely be pulled around by his whims and his desires the rest of your life, it's over. Hand back the ring; wish him well, and find someone to whom you'll matter, and who will treat you accordingly.
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@Polaris43
If this is bipolar disorder, it's only 15% heritable if one of the parents has it. If he's also brilliant and funny and has lots of other good qualities, she might feel like it's taking the risk. It's not that great of a risk, really. We don't live in Gattaca. (Yet.)
(I know this because bipolar runs in every generation of my family. My brother is bipolar. My husband's mother has non-specified crazy that has been diagnosed as bipolar among other things. My husband and I did some genetic counseling before we had kids.)
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OCS
The age limit is 35 (at the conclusion of training). Coolege degree required, etc. he's eleigible, and nuts, and I doubt the psyche evaluation for OCS will disqualify him.
Run like hell.
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31 for marines
Sorry. Either way, he qualifies and you should run like hell.
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what it boils down to is...
He only thinks about himself. He is probably incapable of thinking of others. My dad was the same, and my youth was a misery. It happens. But you KNOW it will happen. Please don't delude yourself. You don't have to be angry at him though and you certainly should not feel guilty. The world needs weird, gifted geniuses...its just that you don't.
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DTMFA
Let me get this straight:
You're engaged, and he didn't consult you before joining the Marines for 6 years.
And you're worried people will think you're cold for dumping him?
Ignore all the armchair diagnoses given here. Just DTMFA, as you will never be able to depend on this guy. It's that simple.
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Build your own plane?
I'm sorry, he built his own plane, was bad at it, and wants to build another one? Crazy!
Do other people build their own planes? Real planes (not from kits)? I'm sure they do, but they aren't bad at it and almost kill themselves. Howard Hughes did it.
War in the desert is the adventure of his generation? He's not just crazy, he is uninformed and not nearly as smart as you claim he is. He may think he is Howard Hughes and Earnest Hemingway, but really he is not as good as either (and they were both crazy), and I can't imagine anyone wanting to be married to them knowing what we know about them.
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Bipolar
Sounds like he's Bipolar and going through a manic phase. Manic phases can last anywhere from a few months to several years and that cycle will continue until he gets help. I have a very close friend who has gone through something very similar. College graduate, had a great job, nice place to live with good friends, decent car, etc. Literally in the time span of three days she had quit her job, purchased a brand new pickup truck (a pickup is the LAST kind of car you would guess she's interested in) while not selling her old car, bought a puppy, started a "company" and decided to move in with a man whom she'd known for one week that also did not have a job. She began supporting this man with money she was receiving from her parents. The story ends badly. The man she moved in with turned out to be schizophrenic and ended up beating up the dog so badly while she was out of the house that he almost died. The father of this man eventually called her and told her to get as far away from him as she could as he had been arrested for assault several times. She went completely broke and had to move in with her parents.
This was all while on medication for Bipolar Disorder...so I guess the moral of the story is: get far, far away. Life is hard enough as it is.