Letters to the Editor
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Think of your children
Yes, one should not abandon a spouse because of sickness but you aren't married yet. Love is wonderful but it doesn't sustain you or especially your children. While we can never predict what the future holds, we can calculate based on what we see before us.
You have described a person who is not only unlikely to be a support to you as you progress through life together, but is almost certainly going to bring a great deal of instability to your family life.
Having kids is hard enough without that.
Prior to the war in Iraq, your fiance would likely have been mustered out, or not even accepted, based on his prior history. However, these days, it's a wild card.
It's a shame that the family has not been stronger in seeking help (when he turned to considering a life of crime, they might have been able to get him committed). But the situation you describe is beyond eccentricity.
Don't make excuses for him because he's brilliant. He has shown that he is unwilling or unable to sustain a stable life. Don't jump in the fire with him and especially don't throw your future children in too.
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Your fiance imagines himself as the misunderstood genius...
and as such he believes his life should be different and exceptional. He wants to make his mark on the world whether it be as criminal, writer, inventor or whatever. The one thing he can't accept is living a normal life - college, job, wife, kids, retirement. And so, each time he finds himself being pushed down the path of normalcy he eventually jumps ship.
I doubt he's going to change, and even if you get him to marry you and have kids, plan on raising those kids alone much of the time because when you least expect it he'll announce that he's going to live alone in the remote wilderness of Alaska for two years.
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I blame this...
...on all the goddamned military ads Salon has been running.
I mean, if she's a Salon reader, he probably is, too, right?
Shame, shame, Salon. You've sent an impulsive, confused (but really, really good at taking tests) young man down a path towards hardship and danger and broken up what could've been a marriage made in heaven.
J'accuse!!!
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Just because you don't approve of his decisions does not make him crazy
Your fiance is a highly intelligent person uninterested in simply living the 'American dream' - go to college, get a degree, get a good job, get a house with a mortgage, then be a slave to the mortgage while you have & raise children, grow old and retire.
I have a friend that scored perfect on the SATs - twice (they suspected fraud and made him retake it). He built an electric car from scratch - in 1987. He experimented with sleep/wake cycles - he finally found the perfect formula in going to bed at 1a, waking up at 5a for 4 days, then on day 5 going to bed at 11p and sleeping until 7a. He got an incredible amount of stuff done - more than I've ever seen anyone do. He made a lamp and rug for his dorm room. He read books, collected old bikes and rebuilt them and sold them for a hefty profit, and built several computers and then ran his own computer lab out of his dorm room.
He didn't graduate - then. He went to work for Hughes Aircraft, then after 6 years finished his degree - double majoring in engineering and philosophy. Then he quit and now he runs a yoga studio in Costa Rica.
He is one of the happiest, most fulfilled people I know. People who don't know him well are threatened by his unorthodox decisions, feel implicitly judged b/c he does not angst and agonize and solicit endless opinions on what he 'should' do. He knows his own mind - and it sounds like your fiance does too. Just because he doesn't go through a round robin of discussions before he makes decisions (especially decisions you don't approve of) does not make him mentally unstable, or even particularly impulsive.
He's not doing anything wrong - but he is clearly not the right man for you. This is the way he is comfortable making decisions given the meaning he gives to his life. If you don't want to live with it, then don't - but don't label it selfish or crazy. It's not. He's simply the way he is and you can accept it, or not. It sounds like you can't, at least, not without a lot of resentment and feeling as if you are sacrificing while he's getting away with being self-involved.
You should break up with him. He's not the man for you, and you are not the woman for him. You'll be miserable with him, and he will barely notice, feeling you should take responsibility for your own happiness.
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Run, don't walk, from The Herring
Maybe one day you'll refer to him as 'The Herring'. Having been married (twice), I hope you do.
The Marine thing is a setup to make him look like a 'great guy' when in fact, he thinks he's a louse because he doesn't want to marry you. Especially when he knows that you totally get him. You know he's unstable and you're on to him. And he knows that too.
So, he needs an out. Bingo: Ma, I'm joining the Marines. As Carrie pointed out, I don't think he's even done the research, or he would know by now that he ain't joining the Marines. Clearly, he's more interested in the story around that, and the positive PR he's getting.
Leave this guy, fast. He's working some angles, and you're included in the work. I agree with Carrie that he's probably an okay guy deep down. But he's got other issues, and he's not marriage material. You sound like a nice girl who deserves someone with their head screwed on straight. Go get that, it's out there!
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Echoing sentiments here...
An eccentric, misunderstood genius? Undiagnosed bi-polar disorder? Undiagnosed personality disorder? Could be any one of those or all of them.
This guy is against the war and signing up for OCS? What is he gonna do when he takes command? Have another impulse and try to steer his troops away from combat? That's what would scare me - for him and the troops under his command.
Obviously, this is a no brainer - leave him. He is not the man for you. Getting out of an engagement is MUCH MUCH easier than getting out of a marriage. Talk to his family - say you can't continue on. They'll probably understand since they know his history. Ultimately, they are the only people you "owe" an explanation too. As far as informing him, do it now. If he still continues on the path he's chosen, your path becomes much more clear.