Letters to the Editor
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best of luck to you both...
Cary, your column attracts readers who are wise insightful, compassionate, articulate, and sometimes kinda crazy themselves. And it is their responses combined with yours that makes this column what it is. So even on your worst days, remember that you, with the help of the Salon staff, have created this phenomenon. Consider yourself like the the host of a true salon, like Oscar Wilde or (so I hear) Arianna Huffington at her dinner parties. Maybe your ideas are not always the strongest or even the most interesting, but if not for you, the rest of us would not be here. And that is an accomplishment in and of itself.
To the letter-writer..
I'm sorry, but you actually made me laugh out loud. You must recognize the absurdity of your own position, to refer to him as "Himself." You cannot change anyone with their nose quite so high in there, and I think you know that.
However, if you wish to try, experience has taught me that the best way to change people's behaviour is to be a good example yourself, engage in a little gentle nudging, then pretend it was their own brilliant idea when they finally do come around. This seems to work more often than not, but is by no means fail-proof. And of course, there are those who will not be changed. If he is one of these, then you must accept him (or not) as is.
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wow. well said.
perhaps if we'd each consider ourselves as yet another Other all problems would be solved. Cary can retire now.
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You can't change him ...
Can you agree to disagree with each other, preferably without belittling each other's environmental choices and attitudes, and still appreciate whatever drew you together in the first place? If you can't, or he can't, don't wait another 5 years, but try to look at the first 5 years as an investment in finding out what you can and can't live with.
This is what it boils down to.
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Dump Him!
Normally I wouldn't be so drastic. But burning the insulation off of copper wire is horribly polluting - and unnecessary; stripping isn't difficult (I've done it).
It sounds to me like this dude just doesn't care, and you do. Worse, he doesn't care that you care. And he doesn't care what example he sets for his kid.
You think it's bad now? Consider the following:
You want to buy an econo-car, he insists on a giant SUV. You try to drive in a way that maximizes mileage, he drives like it's the Indy 500.
You set the timer-thermostat for <65 in the winter, >75 in the summer, plus sleep and out-of-the-house intervals to maximize savings. He turns off the timer and sets the temp to 72 in the winter and 68 in the summer.
You recycle, he dumps the recycle bins in with the trash.
You turn off unneeded lights and appliances that he leaves on all the time.
You want to buy a small, energy-efficient house, he wants a McMansion.
You try to get the most out of things; he tosses out perfectly-good working things because he wants the newest model.
The utility and gasoline costs are sky-high because of his wasteful ways, limiting what you can do in other areas, like donating to green causes or making energy-efficiency improvements, but he won't consider changing anything.
It's one thing to have disagreements, like whether to buy the 25 or 35 mpg car, but this sounds like a basic value problem that he doesn't want to "compromise" on.
Some people just don't get it.
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Couple things
First, forget changing him, as Cary said. Sometimes partners are polar opposites in really profound, bizarre ways. I'm thinking of Carville and his wife, what's her name...Matalin I think. She's a rabid Republican; he's a rabid Democrat. Her views could be said to be just as pernicious as those of your boyfriend if you agree that electing a Republican increases the chance of war and people dying. My point is that it's a very significant difference, but they have found a way to let it be.
My practical advice is this: Because it takes a lot of collective impact to alter the environment, your boyfriend is not really fucking things up that much. But you can make up the difference if the reason it's bothering you is that you're worried about the earth. Just go plant some trees on the weekend, pick up trash, whatever will cancel out the effects of your boyfriend's noncompliance. If, on the other hand, it's bothering you because you secretly believe it's a sign of a deep character flaw in your boyfriend that's going to cause growing contempt like a poison through time, you're screwed.
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Imperfection
As you say, you're not perfect. You do a lot, as much as you can, but you're not doing a lot of things you know you could be doing. Maybe Himself is just one of those things. He's the beef you've compromised to eat. He's the 30mpg car that isn't a bicycle or a hybrid or a public transportation pass.
I think you should just accept that.
You might also start selling your lifestyle on selfish grounds. I have a relative who "seems" super green to everyone who knows her, but she's the most right-wing selfish b*tch you'll ever meet. She likes organic and local because it tastes better and is more expensive, etc. You can perhaps cultivate Himself's palate so that even if he doesn't agree with your views, he embraces your lifestyle -- for his own selfish reasons.
That way your philosophical differences can stay below the surface while you both agree that your picked-that-day organic veggies are the best thing ever.
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Choose: Give It Up or Give Him Up
Because the way to make a relationship work is to accept our partner with love. Not to mold them into someone who we think we'd like better.
People rarely stay molded, you see.
So you really have those two choices, and the length of time you have in this relationship is NOTHING compared to what you'll have into it if you decide that you just.can't.stand.it, down the road.
You drive your car, he drives his. You set limits--if you want to burn the plastic off the copper, it's not my issue, unless you are doing it where I have to breathe the fumes. If you want to throw away paper and cans and carrot peels when there is a recycling barrel right here, go for it, but YOU will be paying for the garbage collection, because YOU are generating the bulk of the garbage. And then, let it go. You are his lover, not his mother, not his boss.
If you can't let it go...then you have the other option.