Letters to the Editor
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born bi ? and evolved Chrisitanity
The first thing I want to say is that I'm not sure, but I suspect bisexuality is a given at birth, much the same as empirical evidence (not just the overwhelming anecdotal evidence) is revealing about gay sexual orientation. Nothing Spirit creates is "bad" - it's as simple as that. If you are in a Christian Church that takes the Old Testament literally (and not as the writings of MEN in the context of a culture some 2500-3000 years ago), good luck - they will NOT understand. For a more evolved Christian view that understands Spirit's interiority and supreme Identity with all of us, I'd suggest the (banned) 'Gnostic Gospels' - Elaine Pagles has written extensively on them.
Each relationship is different; how you work out yours with your wife is unique to you and her. But honesty, openness, acceptance, non-judgment, and mutual agreement are important ingredients.
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@ Gams
You state that you're bi and commited and faithful...I can understand why,since your woman would probably try out one or more of your colorful MURDER scenerios!
@LW--I am sorry for the bind you find yourself in.The two bi men that I know, who tried to remain married,made everyone miserable, They both finally admitted they were gay.
There really is nothing any of us can do to help make your journey easier--either you hurt and possibly destroy your family or you sacrifice yourself. Not a pretty choice.
I wish you the best.
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Seperate your issues before you decide their integration
You have 3 things going on that you would do best to remind yourself of your feelings on them independently, before trying to fit them together.
You're bisexual, you're married, you're Christian. First, does your Christianity really have to matter to your being bisexual? There are plenty of homo/bisexual Christians. If your beliefs make you feel hatred for yourself, then it might be time to explore adjusting them. You need to find a church that will accept and support you. I know it will hurt/be awkward to leave your old one, but that will do far more towards helping you integrate all these parts of you, than a church that pressures you to keep pretending are are someone you're not. That is unsustainable. (Your current predicament proves this point.) If adjusting your beliefs feels prohibitive, think of this: God certainly would not want you to feel hatred for yourself. That offends his "glory" way more than anything else does, certainly more than adjusting your faith to what he is showing you does.
2nd: marriage is marriage is marriage. Your bisexuality should not require you to experience sex with men any more than my own heterosexual urges to experience men other than my husband. There are things husbands/wives may not get sexually from their spouse, but that happens to many. A lasting marriage will require you explore ways to satisfy your unmet needs - perhaps not perfectly, but tolerably - within the confines of your marriage. To some that means looking the other way to an indiscretion (not promoting this, just saying the truth), to some it means counseling, to some it means buying some kinky gear, to some it means pretending nothing happened (also not recommending, but what do I know about how you two work best?). Determine if any of these options will work for you, if your wife is willing to work with you (because this is equally about what she will tolerate).
Perhaps this is best specifically compared with a husband/wife who was never with anyone else before marriage and is now pulled not by run-of-the-mill attraction but a particular curiosity, fueled by the idea of living a life without having ever tried something specific of interest. But that's the issue you really have to come to terms with before all else. I suspect if you open the box at all, Pandora will jump out. But that's the issue that you need to find out if you can deal with for yourself. And it lies completely separate form your religion. Find out if you can live with that. I hope you can. I think you should be able to. ut if you can't, now's the time to begin figuring what to do with THAT particular issue and don't let your religion muddle this question until you've resolved what to do about it. Your religion alone will not sustain you against what you have otherwise decided is not possible. (See: a multitude of publicly fallen people as example, not ot mention the millions of privately fallen ones.) Your religion has to work with you, not against you. It has to be what you feel inside, not what you're TOLD to feel. Best of luck.
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Are you truly bi?
If you are really, truly attracted to women AND men, then in a sense the problem is very simple. Consider the gender of men you are attracted to as irrelevant. You are attracted to other PEOPLE. So what? Just keep it inside, and join the club. Perfectly straight people are attracted to others constantly - the problem of lust would NOT magically evaporate if you were purely heterosexual. As a straight guy, I have lustful feelings for women who are not my wife VERY often. But I made a commitment, and now there are children whose happiness depends on our staying together. So I keep these feelings to myself, and refrain from cruising online for hookups. This is not that difficult, because I am really, genuinely turned on by my wife as well. If, despite what you wrote in your letter, you are NOT turned on by your wife, then see below.
However, I get the sense that many guys who claim they are bisexual are actually just plain gay, and afraid to admit it, and seize upon whatever half-assed, fleeting sexual feelings they might have for women and desperately convince themselves they are not gay. If this is the case (when you have sex with your wife, do you have to think of men?), you need to be brave and come out again, the right way. Otherwise this scenario WILL end in heartbreak.
Which is it? Be honest with yourself. And your family.