Letters to the Editor
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faithful to whom?
One of my sisters is bisexual. She's the one who came out, then got pregnant had a baby and gave it up for adoption, then moved in with a girl, then joined the Marines, then got married. All this in a little over a year, about twenty years ago.
She's still married today. She's still in the Marines. She still sleeps with women.
As I understand it, she lies to her husband, lies to her girlfriends, and lies to her work. I don't know how she keeps all the lies straight.
My sister is basically well-intentioned. But she hurts people anyway. She's a good officer, but it will be a miracle if she makes it to retirement without getting outed and kicked out. Her husband has divorced her and remarried her. I don't know about all of her lovers - they come and go - but at least one has threatened to commit suicide on her front porch, and one threatened to kill her. It's some crazy shit and no way to live.
If you're bisexual and want a monogamous relationship, you have to forswear one or the other preference. If you don't want a monogamous relationship, now's the time to tell your wife. But you should be aware that there's probably not a queue of people hoping to have only half of your affection.
Your situation isn't that different from any other married person's. We ALL gave up trying all flavors of ice cream when we put that gallon in the freezer. We all wonder what sex would be like with people greatly different from our spouses. Some of us stay faithful, some don't. I think the most essential difference between faithful people and the unfaithful is that faithful people don't spend time cruising online websites for hookups. Stop it before it gets to that point, who are you kidding? Either stay faithful, or divorce your wife. Then you can hook up with all the guys you want.
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Speak honestly with your wife
I have known a number of bisexual men; some that keep it a secret from their wives and some that have disclosed all. If your wife cannot deal with the ambiguity of the situation then I think you need to respect her wishes for a divorce. My experince would suggest that once the genie is out of the bottle you cannot put it back in. Even tho you have the best of intentions your sexuality will come out sideways. That thing that kept you from meeting that guy will dissipate and suddenly you will be doing these you promised you would not.
I've had sex with men like you. I've asked what the wife thinks - usually she does not know. I ask if they think its cheating. Amazing almost all the guys have convinced themselves that they are not. Men are providing for them what their wives caanot is what I've been told.
Whatever you do please practice safe sex - remember, you're dealing with men.
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This will end in tears
You're in a box, LW. You are attracted to men, but you are married to a woman and you have children together. Your choices aren't good at this point. Your wife is never going to say, "Oh, okay, honey. Go ahead and have sex with men. I'll be here when you come back." Or maybe she will--and that's the saddest outcome possible. For her, not for you. The truth is, you already broke her heart when you "came out" to her. You've told her that her life with you, something that was probably the most important thing in her life, is a lie.
Put yourself in her shoes. The husband she loves, the father of her children, has told her, "I'm still attracted to you--no, really!--but I also want to have sex with men." How would you like it? Could you accept the same message, if it came from her? No? Then how can you ask her to accept it from you?
You need to figure out what really matters to you. If you stay with your wife, you don't get to have sex with men. If you have sex with men, as you clearly deeply wish to do, you'll be betraying the wife you say you love.
I do have sympathy with the terrible choice you have to make... but I believe you have to make it. You don't get to have a lovely Christian marriage while having sex with men on the side. At least, not and be a decent human being. Living a lie is a terrible thing, but asking your wife to accept--not only the lie, but her part in propping it up, is maybe even worse.
I deeply pity your wife. You owed her better than this. You should not have married a woman while desiring sex with men. You know this. In some sense, you used her. Now you have to make it right. Unfortunately, there are no good choices left for either of you. Whatever you decide to do will hurt your wife. There is no outcome that won't hurt her, including continuing with the status quo.
Maybe what you need is to be truthful--to everyone--and accept the consequences.
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Re: timbukton
Your attraction to other women is most certainly not the same thing as LW's acknowledging (and feeling confused about) his sexual orientation at 33.
I do think that LW is responsible for exploring his own identity, and it would have been better had he done so before marrying someone, but the community around him is partially responsible for teaching him, probably since birth, that his feelings weren't legitimate.
Are you assuming that he is merely telling his wife so that she can give him permission to cheat? It sounds to me as though LW has an enviably close relationship with his wife. I don't think that LW should tell his wife that he finds the neighbor handsome, but when facing such a great personal crisis, I think that the right thing to do *is* to tell her. She would probably sense that something is troubling him anyway, and as he said, he can't lie to her. His "issue" is hers as well.
Her response is natural, but eventually she will probably come to grips with it. I imagine that part of her fear is based in some form of homophobia, and if that's the case, she should explore that, which leads me back to that point about community.