Letters to the Editor
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Leave your wife and find a cute boyfriend.
There, that's my advice.
When I was young (very very young probably 4 years old) we went to the beach. One of my parents was holding my hand as we walked. A couple passed us by, and I took one look at that guy and was completely smitten. I can still remember him and his dark hair and black bathingsuit like it happened 5 minutes ago, not more than 40 years ago. I was off and running and never looked back. I grew up ina very conservative, workingclass, racist, homophobic neighborhood in Chicago. Denial would have been the easiest and safest thing for me to do, but fuck what's easy and safe. Life's not easy or safe.
He got married and had a family because he's weak. He made his bed and now he can sleep in it. No pity from me.
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Resources for gay/bisexual Christians
LW, I just read this article this weekend and thought it and the resources it refers to might be of some help to you:
http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid54234.asp
Best of luck.
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avast2006
The wife shouldn't have a problem on two of those counts. If *any* person out there really believes that their significant other is only attracted to them, they are being astoundingly naive, or are just kidding themselves. Some people are attracted to one gender, some two. Some are attracted to one race, some are attracted to many different types of people. But nobody is attracted to only one person unless they are mentally ill. In fact, if you truly believe your S.O. is only attracted to you, they should probably get psychiatric help, and I am not being facetious. The only people attracted to one single person are psychopathic stalker types.
By the same token, rarely if ever does one person provide complete fulfillment to another. No one can be everything to anyone. If you're lucky, you are 90% fulfilled with your S.O., and that's good enough.
I agree that the LW was basically telegraphing his intention to cheat on her, but I don't think that's good enough. A wife in this situation might well decide to take her husband's words at face value - to believe him when he tells her he has these feelings but does not intend to act on them. As others have pointed out, it's not that different than knowing your S.O. is attracted to other people of your gender, but trusting that they won't act on it. Maybe such trust is ill-advised sometimes. But this LW is set to punish his wife for trusting him. Because he's a selfish asshole.
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Kansasgirl
I'm both a licensed lawyer and a licensed mental health professional.
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@ jason G
Of course people are attracted to people other than their spouses, and of course people get various types of fulfillment outside the marriage. The difference is when it becomes a big enough issue that you have to start having big discussions about it with your spouse.
There's a huge difference between me discreetly (albeit regularly) ogling cute Japanese women passing on the street, versus telling my wife "Honey, I've come to the conclusion that attraction to Japanese women is a major unexplored part of my identity."
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You and your family would be welcome in my church
LW -- your letter used some of the language I heard in my "reparative therapy" course, which I completed a couple years before coming out. This leads me to suspect you've heard these things before... being a Christian means being married to a good woman and having kids. Being married will never take the feelings away, but it will be enough. Following Jesus means embracing the pain of not having what we desire.
You've tried that. And discovered, like thousands of gay Christians before you, that regardless of the tonic, it doesn't go away.
The sad thing is you're now looking at the most life and family threatening way to explore your sexuality. The Church likes to dress all gays up as debauched sex-maniacs hanging out in public bathrooms for anonymous sex. And so when that hunger erupts, you go to the one place you've been told gays hang out.
Well, we hang out in other places too. Nearly every metropolitan area in the US has at least one Christian church started by gays for gays and the people who understand them. In my church we have many families... including men who come with their kids, their ex-wife, and their boyfriend. Most of us have had to deal with the "straight" time in our lives, before we accepted we were at least bi and possibly homosexual. It's a welcoming place to sort things out... figure out who you like in the light, actually date and not just hide out in corners for sex.
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Queer pressure
Mr Married and Bi is no one bit happy except in greeting card way, identify self three time as "queer", give self permission for have queer thought and try for have sex with man from world wild web.
Add Svutlana to long list of Salon reader who think this man is gay, gay, gay. Mr Married and Bi think that just because have wife can call himself bisexual, like carnivore who think he can call himself vegan just because have few vegetable in refrigerator.
Mr Cary is obvious extreme kind-heart man who wring hand and hope with Mr Married and Bi that situation will resolve itself in spiritual way and everybody live human ever after.
Unfortunate Mr Married and Bi will eventual act on queer thought and marriage will end with big bang. Why no end imitation marriage now and enjoy best gay years when still relative young?
Svutlana
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Nature of Contradiction?
You seem to have your head on correctly about who you are in sexual orientation. You also say you are active in your church and seem to be a dedicated family man. Having come out to your wife, I suspect the stress and anxiety that you were experiencing keeping your sexual orientation hidden is now relieved. Fair enough. However, if you are indeed bisexual, the anxiety or contradictory nature of your lifestyle can only be manifested in the absence of sexual interaction with males.
To be blunt, your letter clearly demonstrates that you seem to be missing something. Your aborted rendezvous with the person you met online is proof of that. It was only your guilt that held you back and it is that same guilt that has you in knots about who you are as a person. Your home life seems stable; sexual relations with the wife are good; finances I would assume are not a factor. So what's left? Again, if you are indeed a bisexual, then sexual contact with men is what you want. The best of both worlds. Alas, few of us can "have our cake and eat it too". Unless you are willing to cross that divide, I suspect that your feelings of restlessness will only grow. Take the leap, however, and it might get worse. Good luck.