Letters to the Editor
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Who Are You?
With respect to the estimable Mr. Tennis, I'm afraid I don't quite agree with his note. The root of the problem, as I see it, is one of identity. You see yourself as a Christian, a husband, and a father, likely in that order. Now you find in yourself an attraction to members of the same gender, and it disturbs you. It needn't, for three reasons:
First, you're not bisexual, you're human. Human sexuality is a bell curve distribution; most people, absent social and religious pressures, have some ability to form loving relationships with persons of their own gender. This doesn't mean anything.
Second, as a Christian, you deal with the guilt of being a sinner. This can lead to obsession; the forbidden fruit is always the sweetest (no pun intended). A better way of dealing with temptations of this sort was given to me by a wise and saintly old monk. When I went to him distressed that my hormones and attractive other people in church distracted me from concentrating on my prayers, he confessed having the same problem. What did he do? "I thank God for beauty," he said, "and go on with my praying." There are sweet young men and distinguished older ones and lovely women, too? Don't deny it, thank God!
Third, none of this matters. "Bisexual" is not an identity, it's simply a statement about what floats one's boat. I don't know who you are, but I can tell you who I am: I am a man who loves another person so much that we gathered our relatives and friends together in a church and promised that I would love her as long as we both lived. My happiness depends upon hers. It's not always easy; nothing worth having ever is. But it's who I am. She is the only one who knows the real me, warts and all. With her, I am my true self, and she challenges me to be the best true self I can be. I hope I return the favor. The world is full of beautiful and desirable men and women, but there is only one that I'm married to. And that's who I am. I'm a married man.
Hope you find this helpful.
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cruising...
If you're going to be your authentic self with your wife, do her the courtesy of telling her you cruise websites and engage in conversations with people you're attracted to. Don't just be honest for your sake - be honest for hers.
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I love your commitment
Your commitment to your marriage is based on both of you knowing (and learning to love) the truth of who you both are. Isn't it that way for any of us that commit to marriage over the long term?
I hear you being concerned that committing to this marriage might somehow cause you to miss out on living out another facet of yourself, that it might mean a lack of integrity if you don't make another choice. But it's not a lack of integrity to make a conscious choice.
Commitment - in marriage or anything else - is like that even for those of us who understand ourselves as heterosexual. To make one decision rather than another, to choose one person over all others, is to say "No thanks, for now" to others so that you can live a deeper "Yes" to our spouses and ourselves.
I've come to trust that if I ask God's will be done in my life today, I can fully throw myself into today's commitments, knowing that if I am meant to live out other choices later, S/He will bring that to my attention when the time is right - and in a way that is right for all concerned. The commitments I live fully today deepen me so that other commitments become even more deeply joyful as life goes on.
On a practical, immediate note - have you and your wife heard of the GLAD fellowship? (Gay and Lesbian Affirming Disciples) I understand this to be a fellowship of Christians of any orientation who affirm all people as God created them. There might be some support for both you and your wife if you have a local chapter. If not, starting one might be part of what you two are meant to offer the world together.
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Sorry, LW, but you are still living a lie no matter how "truthy" you think you are being...
One of the most hateful (and heartbreaking) lies conservative Christians spreads is that bisexuality or homosexuality can be "cured" by straight marriage. The LW's predicament shows exactly what kind of damage that pernicious mess can cause. He did what his church told him was right and thought it would work--but it's not, and now he and his family are in a potentially life-shattering mess. LW, your choice is simple: keep on as you are and expect to live a life of lies, repression, and misery--or face up to who you really are and start over. Even if you and your wife can tolerate all the unspoken stress that comes with hiding such a secret, your kids may not...and either they will find out you (and they, by extension) have been living a lie--or it will damage them in other, more subtle ways.
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Just a thought
It's good you told your wife as it appears you don't want any lies in your marriage. You also mention how much you love your wife and children. Every marriage or maybe just most marriage come with times of temptation. It's up to you to realize the consequences of acting upon them. I don't think in your case the curiosity would be worth damaging for good such a great life. This goes for people who are straight, gay, bi, etc...,
You may feel now that you actually opened up you would like at least once to see what it would be like with a man, but then you would be risking everything you have because of the curiosity. It's up to you, but I don't think it's worth it. Re-focus your energy unto your wife. As for your religion. There are plenty of people I am sure who are gay or bi or trans who are spiritual and religious. I don't think it is necessary to come out to your church. God knows how you feel and that's all that matters is your personal relationship with God.