Letters to the Editor
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Just a point I assume I won't be the only one to make
Remember that sexual orientation only tells you which basic types you're interested in; it doesn't mean you need to rent every available unit, or even those that pique your interest. (That's the arena where the adjectives end in -gamous and -amorous, not -sexual. A lot of people confuse the distinctions when it comes to bisexuality.)
Nearly everyone in nearly every strong relationship has moments of mental cheating; don't ever think that if only you were 100% straight (if there even is such a thing), you would have (sexual/romantic) interest for none but your spouse. Of course you probably don't think that except maybe subconsciously, but try not to guilt yourself at even that level. And when it comes to the one little thing you have the right to feel guilty about -- the almost-cheating -- the fact that you don't think you could lie to your wife is an obstacle to feel darn proud of.
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(note/edit)
OK, I probably could have picked a better word than "obstacle." I meant "thing-stopping-you." I was in a little bit of a hurry to be the IRSTFAY OSTPAY! Does "barrier" work?
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Dear Ted Haggard,
Maybe it's time to admit your bisexuality to your church. See what they have to say about it. Of course, they'll try to reprogram you, and tell you that your mind has been invaded by Satan.
So I guess your religion won't help you deal with your problem. But a basic understanding of contracts might. You signed a marriage document. You vowed publically to commit to your wife.
So lust after men all you like, in your mind. But only sleep with your wife.
Fair compromise?
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Your poor wife, your poor kids...
We need to assume you are some sort of a fundamentalist Christian, because of the way you tell us about yourself, because of the way you use the word, "Christian."
So, know right from the start that your fellow fundamentalists never will accept your homo side. (You already know this, yes?) Jesus loves you, but your pastor hates you. And, please stop telling people about your Chritian-ness. You give us a bad name.
It's okay to be the way you are, but it is not okay to have this epiphany at age 33, and decide to start licking dicks all of a sudden, and decide to leave behind your loving wife and your lovely kids.
Your fault is not your attraction to cute guys. Your fault is your selfish desire to leave your family behind, and tiptoe after cute dudes. You should have done this before you started a family. Now, your uncontrollable attraction to guys' butts is a gross problem, probably a sin, because it destroys your family.
If you had been a good, responsible human being, if you had explored your desires before you got married and had kids, you probably never would have gotten married and had kids. It is your fault. You are a self-centered sinner. You are making nice people cry. God forgives you, but you never have justification for forgiving yourself.
Bad job, big boy. No earthly justification. Thank God for ultimate forgiveness.
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@ timbuktom
Hey jerk, read the letter more carefully before you start doling out heaping piles of judgemental bullshit. The guy said he does not want to cheat, has not cheated, but is tempted to cheat, so back off on the accusations of illicit "dick licking" okay. And where do you get off making outrageous accusations about this guy's personal beliefs based only on the evidence of his repeated use of the word "Christian"? You identify yourself as a Christian ("give us a bad name"), so maybe you should act like one.
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a classic example
To me, the LW's dilemma presents the classic example of why sexuality, religion and other sensitive issues like abortion, are not political, or rather, why they should not be brought into the political arena. My guess is that if the LW came out to his church, he might very well pay a price, but I would encourage him to focus instead on the fact that he has been blessed with a sense of wholeness - although I identify as a lesbian, I personally feel that bisexuality represents a more whole human being - someone who is more aware of the aspects of himself/herself that make him/her a fuller human being, regardless of whether the LW chooses to act on his attraction to men. I wish the LW luck and hope that he is able to integrate his attraction to men into his life without harming his relationship with his wife and kids.
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Testosterone
It is my understanding that homosexual men often have a higher than average amount of testosterone. Not that this is necessarily helpful in a spiritual sense, but since you seem determinedly committed to your wife, it could be helpful in a practical sense to think of yourself as "too much of a man for just women."
Putting your feelings in that framework might lend a certain dignity both to your homosexuality (which is a concept much abused in certain Christian churches), and to your wife, who, as you said (and as one can imagine) feels a bit put out by your revelation.
There are a lot of things that you, as a man, might like to do, but which turn out to be "blows you spare to strike for the common good." And by that I mean, you've left off the concept of riding a dirt bike, becoming a mixed martial arts fighter, and starting a hard-core band, since those would not be the best choices for your family.
Cheating on your wife with anyone wouldn't be right. But just as you might stay up late to watch the fights and smoke cigars, or listen to hard-core on your headphones, so you can make furtive visits to an out of the way computer to search gay porn...
...it's not Robert Frost, but then, every man has his poisons.
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This guy needs to be a man and a husband and a father!
He does not need to "come out" to his wife, and make her cry. He should not seek justification in an advice column. Take a heterosexual analogy:
If I am married, but I still am attracted to other women, it's okay. But I need not discuss it with my wife. It's just natural humanity. Even if I have an affair, I would know I am wrong, and I would not discuss it, nor seek justification.
This guy has the fundamentalist condemnation of homosexuality mixed up with plain old lust. That's the Ted Haggard fallacy. It has nothing to do with Jesus, or with Christianity. Guys such as this raise my hackles when they try bring Jesus into the discussion of their own horniness.
AND! He is looking for justification for breaking his wife's heart and destroying his family. Baloney! He is obligated. Maybe when his kids finish college, he can indulge himself. For now, he needs to fulfill his family obligations.