Letters to the Editor
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again to the LW
But stop hitting people first.
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Un-PC? Sure. But "JAP" is absolutely the right term in this case.
"------ American Princess" - spoiled, pampered brat who has enormously inflated view of herself (I'm an *ahem* artist), thinks the world should revolve around her...and who gets drunk and abusive with anyone who disagrees with her self-absorbed drama queen delusions.
The "Jewish" part really just ascribes her to a subset. Lord knows you also have Black APs, Desi APs, WASP APs, Italian APs, Hispanic APs, etc etc.
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So it is not polite to call the LW a J.A.P.?
Of course! But that's the funny thing about the Truth - it is rarely polite, PC or sensitive...
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to lonewolfy
If there are indeed "Black APs, Desi APs, WASP APs, Italian APs, Hispanic APs, etc etc" (and, when, by the way, was the last time you heard anybody refer to any of the above groups - with the exception of the first - as a commonly accepted stereotypical subset of society?), then the specific designation of the LW as a *Jewish* American Princess would have been wholly unnecessary. But for some reason, she felt it was relevant enough to throw in there anyway.
The problem with jane doe's use of the term "JAP" is that it strongly hints that her whole assessment of the LW was colored by her ethnicity. She referred to Judaism again later in her letter, in a way that made it clear that she was formulating her view of the LW in light of her assumptions about Jews - colored in an inarguably negative way.
If you have a minute, please read this article: http://condor.depaul.edu/~mwilson/multicult/jap.html
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Stop drinking first
1. Stop drinking, stop drinking, and stop drinking. Do not touch a single drop of alcohol until maybe 2-3 years from now, when your life is really under control. The booze is distorting your emotions and making your life a bigger mess than it needs to be. It loosens you up to do and say things you regret. Too hard to quit? Well, then you are an alcoholic and you need to quit now and forever.
2. Get a job. Make it a priority. This should make you feel more in charge of your life, and you'll won't have time to drink and grumble. I endorse a previous writer's suggestion to join Society for Tech Communication. It's a good place to meet other tech writers and find out who's hiring.
While jobs for tech writers might be scarce in smaller, middle American towns, in other areas the demand for tech writers is high. Friends in Seattle tell me such jobs are going begging for lack of applicants. Look in Seattle, Boston, DC, Austin, Silicon Valley, as well as smaller cities that may have some industries needing your skills. (I have a friend who is a tech writer for agricultural products in the south. In areas with lots of medical facilities, there is need for medical tech writers. All sorts of niches out there for you.)
3. Improve your relationships. This may work better after you've completed steps 1 & 2, pulled your own shit together, and achieved better clarity on what is actually a relationship problem (as opposed to your own personal freakout over YOUR problems). Until you're more on top of things, limit exposure to Mom. Don't be nasty, just have boundaries; call once a week. This need not apply to your son--let her hang out with him as often as she likes. But make yourself scarce until you figure out what a positive relationship with Mom might look like.
When you can approach him in a grown-up way, sort out your differences with the spouse and figure out more constructive ways to communicate. If you can't work things out, then you know it's time to move on. But pull yourself out of the pit first, before you decide to ditch your son's father.
Right now, it's probably hard to separate your own problems (booze, unemployment) from your resentments with others. Deal with your own stuff before you start trying to reform everybody else.
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Stop Hitting
As long as she is just hitting her sister in bars it's probably fairly safe.
But if she's hitting other people:
Most guys would let it go (I realize thats a politically incorrect thing to say at a place like Salon, but you all know it's true).
But eventually she'd run into some tough-as-nails woman who don't take crap and will put her in traction.
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Harsh workds
I only have harsh advice for the LW. No one who is violent with a family member (sister, husband, whatever) should have custody of a child. If LW can't stop her violence, she needs to move out of her house and away from this child until she gets it under control. It's what's best for the child, and possibly for LW.
In addition, the drinking is devastating for a child. Mom drinks and Mom is insane and expresses hatred for her life and her family. Mom is a scary, violent drunk and the kid will see some of that no matter how sheltered he is. The boy has to be suffering. Kids in this situation usually choose one of three options: 1) He may blame himself and hate himself for destroying his mother's life. 2) He may blame his father and hate his father for destroying his mother's life. 3) Or he may blame his mother and hate his mother. Regardless of which option, the kid is going to be pissed, and will eventually act out in destructive (possible self-destructive) ways.
Mom needs to go to therapy. She should leave the kid with his father, as long as the father is non-violent. Maybe she can move in with her folks while she gets a job and gets her emotional shit together. Then she can sit down with her child and her husband (or ex-husband) as the case may be and work out how to manage their relationship for the rest of their lives.
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Dang it
That's supposed to say "Harsh words."
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@Afro Goddess
That was brilliant. All I could do was nod.
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Parents, drinking, and kids
LW,
Kids notice and feel EVERYTHING, so for the sake of your son (and you) get some help ASAP (I'm not saying you have a drinking problem, but it sounds to me that you're close). If you don't, one of the following three things will occur when your child becomes an adult:
1) He'll drink in excess (or dabble in other substances), thinking it's fine because Mom does it.
2) He'll get tired of your problem being his problem resulting in him cutting you off completely.
3) He'll develop a wealth of issues that will land him in a therapist's office (bitterly) talking about you.
I'm not trying to be an armchair phsychologist. I'm just speaking from the experience of growing up with an alcoholic parent. By the way, those three things I mentioned above? I have done all of them (the second thing lasted a year).
You'd better wake up FAST.