Letters to the Editor
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Question for Cary
Cary - request for information: Have you written a novel?
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Stop drinking and grow up?
Five words say it all.
I'm looking forward to the ooze of sympathy for the LW from all the same respondents who condemn any male LW who admits to wanting something that his female partner does not.
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I should have asked that privately
Dammit - I'm having a bad day today and I meant to send that question privately to Cary. It's not meant as a ... whatever. Cheeky question. It's not. Because even if he hasn't he's so good at dealing with insecurity and craziness that he'd be a great guide anyway. Just watch the digressions - novels have to have turgor and momentum as well as lateral jumps don't forget.
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The LW needs to drag herself to an AA meeting
Maybe she's an alcoholic. Maybe she's not. But her story is so similar to mine and others that I've heard in the rooms that I suspect she is. Certainly nothing in her life will improve if she continues to drink and then act in ways that shock her once she's sobered up.
She doesn't have to sign on for the program or confess to alcoholism, just admit that she wants to stop drinking. AA can help her with that. And if she needs more help than that, the members know well what's available in the community.
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Get thee to therapy ASAP...
LW, you're blowing off your frustration and anger through booze (and from the sound of how demanding your family is, it makes sense you'd go this passive-aggressive route.) But all you are going to do by drinking is dig yourself in deeper--and make yourself dependent on roles you hate. (As well, being an "artist" is no excuse to be an alcoholic--if anything, drinking destroys creativity and the freedom to create.) Find a good therapist; figure out how you got where you are (If you didn't want to be a wife and mother, why did you go that route? You can't blame your husband or mom totally for "trapping" you in this way.); figure out what you need to live a constructive, happy life; and make a plan to make positive change. That may mean divorcing and letting your husband have custody of your son; that may mean hanging with your marriage until you have made some money from technical writing. But whatever it takes, it will be far more productive than stewing your life away in alcohol and anger.
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change of personality while drinking is one indicator of alcoholism
The paradox of alcohol is that while it seems to make some things better, it is actually making everything worse.
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Fancy like ketchup!
I just loved the first line of this letter.
You know where I'd start? I'd start by telling your husband off while sober. You shouldn't need to be drunk to let him know your feelings.
Get your kid out of the house first, and pick a time when no essentials are scheduled. Say, "I need to talk to you" and then start at the beginning and stop when you reach the end. If he tries to talk over you, stop and wait until he stops talking. If that doesn't work, tell him you're done talking to him until he agrees to talk with a referee like a couples counselor.
Maybe if you were a little more of a bitch when sober, you wouldn't be such a bitch when drunk, and you wouldn't need to get drunk so much. I'm using "bitch" in the broad sense of the term: what you really want to be is a person who stands up for yourself when you're feeling stepped on, a person who sometimes puts her own needs first, a person who asks for what she wants. And gosh don't I know it can be hard to speak up for yourself when you're dependent monetarily on the people you need to complain to. But you've got to do it. The part of you that keeps getting smashed and then doing it knows you've got to do it. And it really, really will work out better if you do it while sober.
Scenario 1: Get drunk, piss off parents and sister, cheat on husband and tell him to go fuck himself. End result: Alone.
Scenario 2: Go to parents and sister, ask for some support and some space, have a serious talk with husband about how things can't go on as they are right now. End result: Maybe alone, maybe not, but in any case you'll be better equipped to make it on your own if you're sober.
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Depression and craziness and alcohol
Cary is compassionate and his advice is good. LW's biggest problem is that she needs to stop thining ME ME ME. She's an unreliable narrator. She condescends to her family (ignorant? passive aggressive? etc). She gets violent and abusive when she drinks, and she thinks only of herself. No more husband-directed directives. Economics restrict my every movement. WHat are the directives? Are they to avoid the lecherous men and the disrespectful flirtatious behavior? Not to waste money? Not to ask as a jackass? She calls her husband "passive aggressive, yet casually disrespects and humiliates him. I act lecherous and men approach me despite the husband's being within range. It's weird. I am disconnected. I do not like where I am. I do not like the role of wife. SHe is mean, not remorseful at all, and not thinking at all about the pain she is causing her husband.
Curing the drinking and the depression will not change the fact that the LW is selfish and immature.
They don't even know me, but they own me. No, but that's the excuse for the bad behavior. She can ask for help, she can do a number of things, but being an artist seems to make her think that she can behave badly.
Start with the alcohol. THen do the depression. Then do the jerkishness.
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Here is your problem: You are 28.
You will not feel good until you turn 50. That is normal life, normally annoying and crazy-making, but not your fault. The same for everybody.
By age 50 your daughter will be an adult, your passive-aggresive husband will be long-gone, and your mom will just be an annoying, familiar background noise.
So... for the next 22 years, cut down on your drinking, start bowling to stay in shape, read books, and max out your retirement savings. 22 years from now, visit Santorini, and then keep on running.