I'm getting married soon. The wedding is in Boston, but all of our friends are in Virginia. We sent out invitations to as many as we could so that *they* wouldn't feel slighted. In other words, we expect some of them to decline (and really, hope some will because this is one expensive affair).

And when we bring up the invitations to friends, we tell them why they're invited in a way to compliment them and thank them for being in our lives at one point or another. Also, because we know that if they find out about the wedding they weren't invited to, then *we* will look like the bad friends.

So, don't feel bad about cancelling. Like Cary said, all you have to do is say you can't make it. That's the whole point of RSVPs. Besides, do you really think ALL of your old college drinking buddies are going? (No.)

I think Cary gave fine advice (this time).

I am surprised that so many people are advising LW to "just go to the wedding". If the bride lived an hour away, I might agree with that. But 7 hours is either a very long drive, or an expensive flight (plus all the other expenses of the hotel, meals, gift, etc). And if it is financially prohibitive, then you shouldn't feel pressured to go. Did this bride come to your wedding and drive 7 hours to get there?

It sounds to me like you're in your 20's and unsure how to proceed for fear of losing "friends" that you don't really want to keep anyway. If that's the case, listen to LauraBB. Think about the people that are most important to you, and put your efforts there. You will gather good close friends over time and as your life changes and goes in different directions. By the time you're in your 30's (or 40's), you'll look back and roll your eyes at the whole thing.

And I totally disagree with those that say introverts have a harder time making friends. Not true. I'm an introvert myself. For us introverts, it's quality vs quantity.

Don't go to the damn wedding if you don't want to. Follow Cary's good advice and write the letter and send a gift. And don't feel the least bit guilty.

I'm an introvert married to an introvert. Which means, our introvert traits have combined, multiplied, and led to an almost total lack of social life. It's only just started to pick up again, once I'd become aware of how reclusive we'd become, but it hasn't been easy, and other readers have told you how hard it is to make friends later in life. It's true. If there is one thing that I regret in life, it is in how I let all my friendships lapse, because I had 'moved on'. It's not until you have aged a bit, that you realise just how precious long-term friendships, and even, acquaintances, are. There's a sort of foundation that's laid there, that kind of reflects back who you are and what you've become. And it's so interesting to track and compare how friends and former colleagues fare through all their passages in life. Even if you only see them once every 5 years or so, it's still worth making the effort. It keeps you a bit more real, and it's good to force yourself way out of your comfort zone, especially when the occasion is an old friend's wedding.

Yes, social occasions with people you don't feel passionate about can feel like on chewing tin foil. It's a painful thing to have to do. But unless you have made a new set of friends that you really like, then please don't go down the avoiding, reclusive route.

There are so many great features to being an introverts. The disinterest in socialising is, however, the very worst feature and should be discouraged, whenever possible.

It's not that hard to keep in touch with friends these days, even if they're a seven-hour drive away, or across country for that matter. I can't imagine too many people in their 20's don't have e-mail, not to mention pages on facebook and myspace.

LW, I would go to the wedding, not out of obligation but out of curiosity. You might find that one or two of your old set would genuinely like to stay in touch with you, and vice versa. With electronic communication that's very easy to do.

The posters who cautioned that "you'll want friends down the road" are absolutely right. It does take work to keep old friends close, but the rewards can be huge. Some of the people you see may hit it off with your husband, too, and it sounds as if he could use a couple of new contacts in the friends department. The important thing is to go with a good attitude, not apologetic or defensive but acting genuinely interested in the people you run into.

Or, all you'll come home with is a piece of wedding cake and a few anecdotes about the best man's ludicrous drunken toast and the bridesmaid who couldn't stop dirty dancing at the reception. It's still worth the drive, I'd say!

Nobody wants to have a difficult period of their life rubbed in their face. ("So glad you're doing better since the abortion." or "It sounds like you have the drinking under control and I'm really happy for you.") Cary, what were you thinking?! Maybe that was a joke? It would also come across as you wanting to emphasize the helpful role that you took. Forget it - it's over, move on. "I'm so happy for you, it sounds like you're doing great" is sufficient.

Whether you go or not, be kind but sincere. No need to say you feel she's a special person, or whatever, if you don't.

One thing though - as you get older, it's common to look back and miss your old friends, to want to connect, even if only occasionally, with people who knew you way back when. If you bail out on these friendships now, you may regret it later. Or not - you have to try to imagine how it would be without these people in your life. Even introverts benefit from having a variety of friends and connections.

Just be sincere.