Letters to the Editor
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re the sex
What are they using for protection? Condoms? The rhythm method? A combination of the two? Always having to wear a condom (which some men absolutely loathe!) or to pull out before ejaculating, can, over time, seriously weaken a man's excitement around lovemaking. Combined with stress, depression, and meds, I'm sure it could kill it completely.
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It's in his kiss
If he won't touch or kiss you, he doesn't love you.
The people who can love someone *without* touching or kissing them display consistent behavior. They don't start out touching and kissing and then stop.
Arrange your life knowing that your marriage is all about your child (or the house or the inlaws or all the above), but it's not about love between the two of you.
Situational depression is likely to be part and parcel of staying with a woman you don't love because she's pregnant (or you own a house with her or you owe her or your parents will disapprove or all of the above).
Sorry.
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Hmmm...
"My S.O. declared at age 33 that that was, as they say, that. Finito. Office hours are over, forever. That was 16 years ago."
Well, maybe that explains some of the odd letters to Salon...
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@Electro Robot (I am seconding SB's previous message)
Electro Robot: "My S.O. declared at age 33 that that was, as they say, that. Finito. Office hours are over, forever. That was 16 years ago."
Sorry to pick on you during one of the few times you are communicating something personal, Electro Robot, but I gotta echo what others have said. Many of your posts on Salon are pretty hateful. Then when you tell us this, it does seem to explain how you could be that way.
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Don't wait too long before you leave
My marriage had many similarities to yours. Depressed husband. He was too depressed for sex. I waited. I was patient. I picked up the slack and did what was needed around the house because he was too depressed to cope with household chores. After some time he started sleeping in a spare bedroom. At the 28 year mark after YEARS without sex he announced that he was madly head over heels in love with someone else. Now I am approaching my 30th anniversary ...alone.
I gave up 20+ years of sex, did not have children, pulled way more than my fair share.. For what? For NOTHING. I should have left WAY WAY sooner. Don't wait too long. It's easy to keep waiting...and wait some more. You have sympathy for him , you feel he needs special consideration because he's depressed and so start putting HIS needs above your own. He does not need you as much as you might think he does, and you don't need him as much as you feel you do. Get out. Save your life. Don't wait too long.
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Sounds like my ex
So, I guess it's obvious what my solution would be. To start with: no sex is one thing, but no physical intimacy is quite another. Cary's advice is nice and very thougthfull towards the husband, but how is the LW supposed to cope? If the husband wouldn't be interested in art galleries, beach holidays or French cuisine, LW could share those interests with friends or relatives. However, in our society we're not supposed to have sex (and to a certain extent not even physical intimacy) with someone who is not our significant other. What would the husband's reaction be if LW would take a lover?
Cary seems to think that it is just a difficult period. But what if this will not change in the the near future? How long is she supposed to wait?
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Gotta agree with some of the posters here...
...it really sounds as if something else is going on with the husband besides the meds. Offhand, I'd say the amount of life events this couple has been going through (jeez, an abortion, a big move, a baby, a job change--that's a helluva lot) has burned him out emotionally. (Or it has tested the marriage past the point he wants to stay invested in it. Or it's brought up stuff from his past and he's having trouble dealing.) The fact that he's encouraging his wife to be happy pretty much without him is not a good sign--sounds like he's emotionally checked out already, or doesn't have much hope things will ever improve on his end. See if the deal is strictly with the meds--if not, LW and husband should go in for couples therapy.
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I'm sorry, but your marriage is over. Get out now!
Sure, his meds might screw up his libido and ability to climax. But they shouldn't do anything to prevent his being physically affectionate with you, touching you, holding and hugging you etc, and he's apparently not doing that either. That means something else is really really wrong in your relationship.
Your situation is so familiar to me! I stayed in a sexless marriage for 5 years. (And before the trolls start their snarking, I'm not unattractive! I'm a very nice looking, slender woman, and I've always had a very healthy sexual appetite.)
It was difficult to bear. Not only no sex, but nothing else either--no affection of any kind, and I couldn't even talk to him about anything serious without him evading the discussion by breaking down, getting furious, or stomping out of the house.
My ex was a depressed, emotionally abusive SOB with chemical dependency issues. His problems got worse when the sex and affection stopped, so I figured that his depression etc caused the lack of sex (it was also how he explained it) and that it was therefore my job as his wife to help him through his issues so our lives could get back on track. I got him to see a psychiatrist and he started on medication, and I did everything to try to help him. I told myself I was doing it for the kids. I kept remembering how we used to be together, I kept hoping that if our life got smooth and stressless enough, then he would stabilize and things would get back to normal.
I took care of everything all by myself to keep the stress off of him: the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, the home repairs, the bills, the taxes, and everything to do with the kids. (oh, and note to the trolls: I did all this while I taking care of 2 infant children and holding down a full-time professional job making 6 figures). I acquiesced to his need to reduce stress by limiting our social life (basically, we never went anywhere or saw anyone any more, and I didn't do anything by myself because he "needed" me to be around him all the time). I encouraged my ex to work out every day, to work as late as he wanted to so he would feel like he was doing well at his job despite his issues, to just relax when he was at home while I did all the work, I even drove him to work myself so he wouldn't have to deal with the traffic (and he complained that his meds made him too sleepy to drive, and that he wouldn't take them unless I drove him everywhere), and I spent hours helping him finish his work projects on time because he'd complain that he was to depressed to do them, etc, etc.
5 years later, my own job and career was suffering because I had to take so much time to deal with his crises. My health was suffering because I never had time to relax or exercise, I never spent time with friends, I was under constant stress, and I ended up resenting bitterly having to do all the "work" for our relationship and family life by myself without the slightest support or from him.
Guess what? I finally found out that the whole time I was being Mother Teresa my ex was having affairs with multiple other women! He'd say he was going to work, and instead he'd call in sick. And get this: his excuse for the affairs was that he wasn't getting any at home! Also, he said that he was just sticking around because he felt sorry for me, and that he was just waiting for our kids to go to college and then he was planning on dumping me (meanwhile, he was trying to siphon money into an offshore account).
It's sooooo nice to be rid of the loser. It's great to finally be able to live a normal life, to spend time with friends, to enjoy spending time at home with our kids without all his drama.
And I get to have sex again! Turns out there are lots of men out there who aren't depressed, addictive, manipulative losers. (who knew!?) It's really fun to date and enjoy male attention again.
LW: you can't fix your husband's depression, or whatever else it is that is bothering him. Ignore Cary's advice: there's no way you can heal him or your marriage by organizing bike rides together or whatever.
If I had to do it over again, I would have taken a much harder look at what was happening in my marriage much earlier, and I would have done something about it much earlier. I wasted too much time trying to fix something that can't be fixed, and that was never under my control anyway.
Life is really too short. NO one can live without affection--why do you expect that of yourself? You have a right and a responsibility to save yourself...because sacrificing yourself is not going to fix anything anyway.