Letters to the Editor
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I Think You Are Going To Have To Take It Or Leave It
Okay, so you've semi-officially joined the "my spouse has decided that we're not going to be intimate or have sex anymore" club. Welcome. If it makes you feel any better, you are definitely not alone.
With the qualifier that none of what follows is based on anything but anecdotal personal experience (not statistics), after reading your letter it would seem to me that you have to accept the very real possibility that it is probably not going to improve in any meaningful way. Beyond that, even if you go through all of the soul-crushing, bang-your-head-against-the-wall-for-answers-until-you-bleed therapy that you can afford, it probably just won't improve over the long term even if it does for a short period.
That switch in your spouse is probably never going to turn back on. It may never have been on in the first place. Those first few years of passion and intimacy, over time, often reveal themselves to be less "romantic" and real than the way in which we initially replayed them in our minds. As humans, we're often just inclined to imagine a past that never really was. Much of the early stuff may have been the product of novelty in the relationship and a certain artifice that we put up because we think we can fool ourselves and our spouses for a lifetime of marriage.
I know my perspective is dark, even fatalistic. I hope that I am wrong in your case. And what is the point of even discussing it if I am right? Well, there are a few. First off, it is important that you know that you are not alone in this. It's one of the worst-kept secrets of long-term marriage: a huge percentage of partners at one point just decide they aren't going to fully participate in the marriage anymore and nothing you do will force them to. Second, you need to know it's almost certainly not your fault. There are about fifty reasons that this could be happening to you and virtually none of them, at their core, have anything to do with you. You've sort of just wandered into a common mine field. It could be genetic, adultery, the product of depression, the product of early childhood trauma, hormones, selfishness, control issues, cruelty, a combination of these, many other things. But in the end, this same thing would likely happen to whoever your husband was partnered with for any length of time and it's almost all about him.
Finally, once you accept the fact that (after giving it your best shot) you might just not be able to fix this, it gives you the advantage of being able to make informed decisions. It takes you out of the place where you are making decisions based on the inaccurate notion that all relationship and intimacy problems (or even most of them) can be solved. That is not a healthy place to be in my opinion (although some might disagree--maybe ignorance is bliss and baseless hope may actually lead you to succeed where a pessimist would fail). But that said, in the end you are probably just going to have to decide to stay or leave at some point based on simple cost-benefit analysis. Are the benefits of having a secure, intact (non-divorce) family where you can see your child/children every day worth enduring the grueling pain and isolation of the intimacy-free spouse? Your answer will probably be yes. That is not the wrong answer--especially until your children are grown. Than you can break out the calculator again and re-do the math.
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I was channeling Dan Savage too!
Dan would say you are not obligated to be in a relationship where one person has decided against sex (or even any touch at all) indefinitely while you wait for it to clear up.
He would say it is positive that your husband is seeking help. But he would also tell you that based on the scenario you painted, this man's demons or issues are not likely to go away, ever.
He would say people should strive to be good, giving and game to their lovers. He defines this as "good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything—within reason.'"
He would say that if your husband is committed to finding solutions, then maybe, just maybe, you should hold on, especially if he realizes that sexuality is a human need and that he should at least try to be GGG.
But Dan would say - and in my experience he's correct- that if two people have vastly different sexual needs and aren't willing to fufill at least some of the needs of the other person, in the long and short runs they will be miserable.
Dan Savage always tells people he doesn't want to wreck homes or encourage adultery, but if you are determined to stay in the marriage no matter what, then look elsewhere. Not ideal, not socially acceptable (at least not to say out loud) but having a lover is an option.
If you are determined to stay (no matter what), and brief affairs could sustain you enough to help you avoid total misery, thereby making you a happier, better parent and wife then do it.
Failing that, you need some outlet. Exercise, sure. Also buy a few good vibrators. Does it make up for the fact that your husband won't even hold your hand? No. But you have needs. And even if he's struggling mightily with depression, there's no legit excuse for not holding your spouse's hand or kissing or even receiving a hug! You deserve better.
And Cary, Paris? If they go to Paris for a week, will that make him hold her hand again by the fourth of July, or do they need to go back to Paris? Usually I appreciate your flights of fancy, but this woman has a serious problem in her marriage.
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Dr. Daniel Amen, psychiatrist and mapper of brain function
Dr. Daniel Amen is someone who comes up on Google and has done a segment for pubic television.
He knows a lot about brain function.
Naturally, there is a lot more than I have knowledge to convey, but coupled with emotional isses , there is also scientific knowledge about the 'hardware' of brain matter which makes a person tick.
The following response by Dr. Amen ,which I saw on public television, is not to take the LW's question superficially because naturally one situation is not the same as another, (the LW had an abortion for example, the LW's husband has family issues ) however, below is Dr. Amen's response to a man who asked how to get his wife to desire sex with him.
Dr. Amen suggested taking her for a pasta dinner (carbohydrates ), a walk after dinner (was it around a lake?) -but definitely the exercise which Cary also recommended produces stuff which makes one feel better. After the walk, Dr. Amen suggested to the man that he give his wife some dark chocolate. After that he suggested that he put his hand behind her shoulder and nothing else. Then the husband should take a shower and put baby powder behind his ears (baby powder because sex makes babies.)
Several week later, Dr. Amen received an email which repated only two words over and over, "Thank you, thank you, thank you."
What I am suggesting to the LW is that not only is there an enotional component to intimacy - and these may not be simple, but there is also a physiological-chemical component to brian function as it relates to sexual desire.
I am not making this up. Anyone who has seen Dr. Amen on public television can probably recall this example.
Best wishes to LW.