Letters to the Editor
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Easy
Another aspect to the problem is that there are some people, my guy included, who have trouble seeing a woman as an object of desire once she's become a friend, a partner, a family member and/or the mother of ones children."
I've heard something to this effect, but I don't get why a man would feel that way (or think that it is right to treat his wife that way.) Is it yet another permutation of the "Madonna/Ho" syndrome, or...?
We are raised not to have sexual feelings for people who are our family, because this would be incest. So many men grow up separating emotional intimacy with sexual intimacy.
Anyway, although this can be true in some cases, I think the main reason of not feeling desire for the wife is much more simple. Boredom (which is the main cause of sexless marriages). Having to always f*ck the same person is like only eating chicken forever (you must say goodbye forever to bread, sweets, cakes, fish, pizza, hamburger, meat, salads, vegetables and so on and so forth).
On a different topic, many marriages are sexless marriages but the one refusing to have sex is the wife.
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Blah..Blah..Blah He'll NEVER touch you
You're letter annoyed the hell out of me and I only had to read it. I can't imagine what it must be like to live with a whiny, needy, ninny like you. And your mate isn't much better.
Has his testosterone levels been checked lately? Does he have ANY BALLS?
Way too much thinking and analyzing going on in this marriage.
Simple life stresses are messing you two up? Poor babies.
Family feuds? Big deal, we all have 'em.
Law school is tough? Go work in Home Depot
Why was it so easy to kill a fetus and so difficult to tell his folks to "drop dead" and walk away from them?
Really...you two need to shut up and buck up.
Put that baby to sleep and tell him you need him to screw you good or you're going to bang the shit out of the UPS guy next time his mail order scripts are delivered.
Go To Paris??
You can get laid right in your kitchen? The poorest, most poverty stricken, unemployed people screw with reckless abandon - Paris isn't necessary and is not going to solve this problem.
Buy a vibrator, lay in bed next to him and start using it...see how he reacts.
You're way over-educated and lacking common sense...really.
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Mas que nada
I realize Elizzybec was kidding about "Sancho," LW, but now that he or she mentions it...white guys are so psychosexually delicate, finicky, and weird. Some have such a madonna-whore thing going on they view you as "mom" once you have a baby whether they saw the birth or not. Thereafter, you are Mom not a sexual object.
Get you a Latin or African-American lover. In my experience they are less psychosexually finicky for some reason and also more emotionally robust.
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I agree
Get you a Latin or African-American lover. In my experience they are less psychosexually finicky for some reason and also more emotionally robust.
And more unfaithful. As a Latino, I can tell you that what you say is right but also that faithfulness is not valued in our culture. "Casado pero no capado", as they say in my country (But I don't know about African-American).
You can't have it all. You have to choose.
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The Other Possibility,
When I was 42 my husband stopped having sex with me.
42 is not old & our sexual relationship had been active. Not quite as much as I would had liked, but he is a man who worked hard & very long hours, so I compromised, and I was content.
We are still married and have not had sex since. This year I will be 64.
He came from a different culture & therapy was not an option. He went to see a urologist & it was blamed on me, without any tests. He was too ashamed to speak of it, so he didn't go to another doctor & we still don't know the cause. We tried one sex therapist (great rep, many books) but both of us laughed at his suggestions.
Pleading did no good. Taking a break from pleading did no good. I got depressed. I turned my beautiful body into a blimp & stopped going out. I lost my friends because I never returned their calls or answered their letters. Though they didn't know the direct cause, my depression affected our children.
But, Hallelujah!!, because of the great developments in anti-depressants, I'm finally no longer depressed & I'm losing weight. It's taken a long time & seven years of therapy. Unfortunately, most antidepressants also have a very negative effect on libido.(Maybe that's helped me.) Maybe he can change meds. And if it is caused by depression, if you're lucky he'll come out of it.
We're still not having sex. BUT he is the best; kind, affectionate, caring, & funny. Since the day I met him I never thought of making love with anyone else. I would have been more miserable without him than with him. I still occasionally miss sex, but not as much. For me too, we have a perfect marriage except for no sex.
So think well.How much do you love this guy? If he had an obvious injury that prevented him from having sex, would you still feel the same? Would you be more miserable without him than with him?
I know I'm unusual in staying. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. I've been depressed for most of my life(another letter), and it was horrible. But I thought you should hear from someone who stayed.
Good luck.
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"Next Couple Months or Years"?!
"But he does not hug, nor hold my hand, nor snuggle on the couch, nor put his head on my shoulder when we sleep, nor any of the normal intimate gestures that were part of our daily life before his depression set in last year."
The 30s are for women what the teens are for men -- your sexual peak. You deserve to revel in that. And you deserve hand-holding, kisses, hugs, the whole happy ball of wax.
I get that your husband is going through some stressful times right now, what with the baby, and the move (West coast to East may well involve some SAD), and degree (did he finish?) and the new job and the meds, but NONE of that is license for him to cut you off like this. It really sounds like he's detached himself intellectually, and once a person does that it doesn't get undone.
Since you are so comfortable otherwise, get into counselling with your husband. Give it six months and work as hard as you can. But if nothing changes, don't stay. It's been a year already, so enough. You deserve more.