Letters to the Editor
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it's the meds
Of course, I can't say that with 100% certainty, but when someone suddenly shows no interest in any kind of physical intimacy or affection after starting to take anti-depressant medications, it's very likely that's the major issue. Especially if it's an SSRI, but others will do the same thing.
Maybe there's an underlying psychological/philosophical/whatever issue, but if he's got a chemically suppressed sex drive, fixing anything else isn't going to overcome that. Yes, not everyone gets that side effect. Yes, it can be "mild" (though what gets classified as a mild side effect of medications can still be awful). But it's an obvious flashing red light here.
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Wow this sounds so familiar
My S.O. declared at age 33 that that was, as they say, that. Finito. Office hours are over, forever. That was 16 years ago. I find it's actually liberating to never have to worry about that nonsense any more. It's not a question of infrequent intimacy, it's zeroed out. Blank. Never to be a burden, a worry, an anxiety ever.
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agree with all of the above
Being in on the dark side may have precipitated not enjoying anything--including sex--before the antidepressants. certainly antidepressants can reduce sexual interest and libido. there are medical workups from testing of testosterone and other hormone levels to changing antidepressants. there may be organic causes and not just psychological ones.
then again, my sister's husband wanted to stop being intimate after he got his mistress.....
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LW
has much to be happy about, yes, but zero physical contact, no affection or sex can make all the other good stuff in her life seem non-existant.
I feel for LW and her husband, but no person can live longterm with a partner who is unwilling or unable to give affection or sex. We can all go without sex for a while, but without love we slowly waste away and without if life is meaningless.
Perhaps he is punishing her for something - without realizing it? Maybe the abortion triggered something? You never know. That's for a pro to figure out. Maybe they can hire Gabriel Byrne from the HBO show "In Treatment"?
Couple counseling is essential in this case - without it LW and hubby will be filing for divorce before they know it.
What a sad letter.
I see so many couples: on the street, at the store, at restaurants. With or without kids, but miserable. No affection, no eye contact, nothing. It reminds me of Richard Linklater's fantastic film "Before Sunset" (the sequel to the equally lovely "Before Sunrise) with Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke. At one point Hawke's's character Jesse tells Delpy's character Celine of his hum-drum marriage and says that "it feels like we're two people running a nursery" (if I recall the line).
My brother has been married for twelve years; they've been together for sixteen years. He's going on 43, she just turned 44. They have two daughters, 6 and 9. He has a good job, she has her own shop, they have a very nice house, they travel. Yet, when I saw him last summer he looked thin, pale, tired. His sense of humor was almost entirely absent, he sounded irritated at everything. I watched him together with his wife - there was no physical contact, no affection, no eye contact. They snapped at each other - in calm voices no less - several times and at the kids. Did I just catch them on a bad day? No, I've seen it before when I visit.
I've been married, I have a teen daughter - I know marriage is tough as Hell. If people knew how tough it is, no one would ever get married.
My brother and his wife will stay together - I have no doubt. But it's sad to see them together. It's depressing.
Life is too short, too precious to go without love. Get thee to a therapist - this is not a situation you can solve on your own or with a self-help book.
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another possibility
There may be another factor here. Some years ago, there was an article in the New York Times Sunday magazine about men who didn't want to attend the births of their children or regreted having done so. They were turned off by the thought of or actually having seen their wives giving birth. One man in the article said something like "once her body was re-zoned from entertainment to industrial, it lost its appeal for me."
Perhaps the LW's husband had a similar reaction, combined with his depression, and the result is a complete lack of intimacy.
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Several other options
1) He is depressed because he is gay and can't admit it.
2) He is depressed because he feels guilty about the abortion despite the new baby.
3) His wife is no longer sexy to him because she is now a Mother. And Mothers don't/can't/shouldn't have sexual desires.
4) He had or is having an affair to try to fix his depression.
5) He is feeling guilty about that affair, ongoing or not.
6) He was sexually molested as a child. The birth of a child often triggers flashbacks or sends the victim into panic mode: I have a child! Can I protect this child? Will I repeat the abuse with my child?
It sounds like he was not very intimate with his wife even before he started on the meds, what with all the family, job and school issues. While the meds can certainly knock out the libido, I think there's a lot more he's not telling.
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Not a PC question for the LW...
One thing that I did not see addressed, but am curious about is whether there have been any changes in the appearance of the LW. While no one expects their spouse to remain forever physically the way they were when first married sometimes one spouse will let themselves go physically in a way that the other does not. If this has happened I urge the LW to consider the toll that excessive weight gain can have on sexual desire. This is just a shot in the dark and I acknowledge that it may very well not be the case, but it can be a real libido killer to see your spouse stop taking of themselves and also stop even seeming to care about their appearance. How can one be expected to get excited about the body of someone who doesn't care about their own body?
Again I apologize if this is not the case in this particular situation. Just food for thought...