Letters to the Editor
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you seem like a great wife
who is very understanding. my only advice may seem a bit odd considering the specific question, and the balance of the responses in the comment section, but I really think you guys should have another kid. And do not leave him, now or ever!
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@handsomepat
With all due respect, the LW and her husband need to figure out what's happening and where they're headed before they even consider adding to their family. At this point, a new baby would be a bad idea.
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Low testoserone
It causes both depression and low to no sex drive in men. Have his tested. It can explain the refusal to touch, too.
THis can be treated. Try it.
Good luck!
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Every situation is different.
After 11 years living a ostensibly happy, though sexless life, with a husband who is a great dad and provider and thoughtful man, but prefers solo sex, I am leaving him. I've done everything I can (from counseling to sexy clothes to vacations away). I've decided that it is not my fault. I am actually desirable, though I doubted that after years of no affection. I've asked him to do what he can and he is not so willing to change.
I hope that this woman's husband is able to work through his problems, and that she is able to do everything she can for her part. But I want to say that, at least for me, there came a time when I chose to have a whole and fulfilled life, even if, for now, I do that alone.
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anti depressants kill sex drive
Anti depressants fkill your sex drive. (I haven't read any of the letters here so I'm sure someone has written this already.) If your husband gets to the point where he can stop taking them he'll probably get his drive back. I think it's important not to stay on these pills for a long period of time if one can do this. I haven't taken them for 5 years and am under more stress than ever right now and seem to be coping with it just fine. I think they readjust something. Unless you have a genetic pre-disposition for depression sometimes paxil or zoloft for a couple of months does the trick.
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just dump him already
Marriage is a contract obliging the signing parties to sexual exclusivity. In the usual ketubah (Jewish marriage contract) " the man has a duty to give his wife sex regularly and to ensure that sex is pleasurable for her." If one party refuses to have sex, that's voiding the contract.
You have no obligation to stay with this guy.
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This couple should check
into the libido-suppressing effects of many antidepressant meds. I didn't see in her letter whether he is on such meds, but depressed libido is quite common.
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To the LW:
I feel for you, sister. I'm dealing with a similar thing myself: a partner who is wonderful in a hundred different ways, but who also battles serious depression and has lost all interest in sex. Part of it is the depression. With meds or without, depression is a well-known libido killer. Another aspect to the problem is that there are some people, my guy included, who have trouble seeing a woman as an object of desire once she's become a friend, a partner, a family member and/or the mother of ones children. And yet another part of the equation is that our 24/7 media culture is now relentlessly training generations of men (and women) to equate sexiness with breathless, airbrushed images of anorexic 20-something year olds -- making it hard for many to equate sexiness with normal, un-airbrushed women of any other age. (A therapist friend told me that she sees, among her clients, a positive epidemic of men prefer masturbating to porn to having sex with a flesh-and-blood woman.)
But notice how even my description of our situation has put the onus on me, blames my looks/age for his lack of libido, makes *me* the problem. And I walk around feeling like the Ugliest Woman in the World (despite the fact that there seem to be plenty of men who disagree -- I'm no fashion model, but I've never lacked appreciation from the opposite sex before). . . and I'm trying to be supportive, and trying to be patient (depression being a serious illness, after all), all the while watching my own self-esteem getting weaker day by day and month by month.
I read the other letters here advising the LW to leave the marriage, and I wonder whether I should take this advice myself. I truly love my husband, he means the world to me, and unlike the LW's husband he does make a real effort to be physically affectionate. Despite his depression, he's kind and considerate. We muddle along, we enjoy many other things about each other, we have a good shared life, a good shared career, and a good shared circle of friends (who would never guess we have this problem). But if after being the Mother Teresa of patience and support while he works through his depression issues, if at the end of the day he decided he was ready for sex again....but not with me...I would feel devastated. And used. And like an utter fool. Like other letter writers here, I would kick myself for not leaving long before.
On the other hand, if my Beloved simply needs a little time and space to heal, grow, work his way through his personal demons, then I don't want to deny him that time. He gives me support when I need it too. And there's more to marriage than sex.
But how does one know when one has crossed the line and given *too* much time, *too* much patience, *too* much understanding and acquiescence?
Dear LW, I don't know the answer to this. If you discover the answer, let me know too.
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Wow
If the LW were a man, I can't begin to think of the sarcasm and feminist indignation that would be flooding the screen.
She's being treated the same way the vast majority of married men get treated by their spouses.
Since the LW is a woman, if she divorces her husband, she'll get full custody of the child, the house, alimony and child support.
You have all sorts of options ahead of you. Your husband has only obligations.