Letters to the Editor
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Sex vs. Affection--there are two things going on here...
The sex & depression/SSRI thing is definitely one issue, and I think that most of the letter writers here have addressed that well. I've experienced (very) severe depression and the lowered/non-existent libido that accompanies it, plus the inability to orgasm that frequently happens on SSRIs. I've been through a divorce, too, with a drawn-out end-of-marriage experience that didn't include a lot of sex, to say the least. These things all make sense to me.
The lack of basic affection, though, is something completely different. It sounds very, very sad, and much deeper than the sex thing. There are some deep, unresolved tensions here, and it sounds like the LW's husband may be using the depression/lack of libido as a mask for a deeper withdrawal from the marriage.
LW, your husband sounds like a considerate, caring, loving guy. Plus you have a child together. Seems worthwhile to remain patient and loving to him as he goes through this time, I understand too, that you can't expect big changes from someone dealing with a severe depressive episode.
However, given the lack of affection accompanying the lack of sex, I think a "wait and see" approach may not be the best course of action here...without even basic physical contact, you guys are putting your marriage at a HUGE risk. Maybe that's just my female perspective kicking in, but I think it's the same for guys.
Here's what I'd do:
1) On the sex: Explain to your husband that you're willing to forgo sex for as long as he needs you to, but that you're a sexual creature and would like him to help you maintain your sexuality in small ways that don't require his active participation. Maybe you could masturbate in front of him, or rent some sexy movies--just be clear that this is about your pleasure, and he's welcome to participate by trying to pleasure himself, but you don't need him to. Having him by your side is enough.
2) On the affection: There's a disconnect here that's deeper than sex. This should be explored with a marital counselor ASAP. Most counseling fails b/c couples bring in outside help too late. You need to work with a professional to figure out where your husband's lack of affection is coming from: as a guy, does he just view this as an extension of sex, or does he feel a deeper isolation from you? Your husband's therapist should be able to recommend an appropriate counselor based on his/her prior experience counseling your husband.
I can't stress enough how important I think it is for you to address these issues in your marriage. It seems that you have a beautiful child and a great life together (albeit with some career & relocation & family issues)--there's a lot worth saving here, and this marriage deserves whatever effort both of you can muster at this point.
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Great advice Cary!
When I stop workouts or strenuous physical activities for a few days, I become impatient, after a few more days I am cranky and resentful, and a week later all hell breaks loose. You are right on with the need for sweat!
So, LW, I feel for you even though I haven't experienced this sort of 'neglect'. You are both in a gloomy place and I offer that the disconnect of our automobile and consumer-driven society probably doesn't help. Depression and stress seem related so do whatever it is you can to make your lives more about fun and less about responsibility. Beg borrow and steal so that you get date nights (or overnights) and have moments of completely reckless frivolity, enjoying each other and flirting. It's tough with children, but it can be done no matter what your situation.
The changes you described present a challenge. They would for anyone! I've been through those and know that it can take a few years to get settled into a lifestyle that really works. I hope you find the right way and wish I could offer more. There will be plenty of people here with interesting advice, but extract the wild hairs if they come. They seem to enjoy bringing others down, which is not what you need right now. See you at the gym.
P.S. If you do get to Paris, don't go in winter or during a transportation strike and if you are American... don't forget to duck. It would be brutal to spend that amount of money and be treated like a dog by people who assume you voted for Bush because you don't speak perfect French. Cary must know a fabulous massage therapist there to be talking like that.
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A Quick Reponse
(I'm at work now, so I have to dash off a quick response). I have a feeling that several people have already said something similar to what I'm going to say, but hell with it. I couldn't get past the part about medication...You can go on about wanting him to show more affection, missing him, wishing he would hold your hand, maybe even being insecure that he doesn't care as much anymore...but when you come down to it, anti-dep. medication has a strong history with influencing how much intimacy people can take in romantic relationships. So it's very possible that it's not about you, it's not about your relationship or even how much he loves you; it could be the medication.
I have a friend who's been on meds for years now, and his girlfriend hated the effects it had on their (non-existent) sex-life. He told me that even if he wanted to, he couldn't, because the meds made him "not want to touch anyone, or be intimate in that way, ever again". It was the cause of a lot of misunderstanding and heartache between them. I also have had experiences in my youth on meds...I found a very paradoxical situation where my relationship with boyfriend was shit before the meds (because of how miserable I was) that we didn't want to have sex with each other b/c we weren't getting along, and *after* the meds, my outlook improved so much that we got along and were happy enough to *have* sex, except that i just did NOT want it.