Letters to the Editor
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There isn’t enough exercise in the world.
This could be the meds. Other posters are right to think of it first. But remember we’re not just talking about sex – we’re talking normal intimacies. This guy won’t hold her hand or pet her hair. I can imagine her all fresh faced and lovely from all that clean living Cary suggests and her husband still won’t touch her. It sort of makes it worse. It makes me want to shut the door and cry. I wonder if he’s gay or if he’s having an affair – these thoughts must drive the LW crazy.
I think it’s awful to suggest this 32 year old woman should just shelf her sex drive. It’s like asking a 19 year old boy to shelf it through meditation or a vegan diet. This has to be fixed! I want couples counseling and I want a time line and if all else fails I want a sweet, attentive boyfriend and a speedy divorce.
LW: you are not selfish. What you want is normal and you deserve it. It’s kind of you to want to sick it out, and I do hope it’s as easy a fix as adjusting his meds, but if you don’t want to live without sex you don’t have to. No one would blame you for leaving.
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Why Paris is a bad idea…
It’s full of lovebirds! How is the LW going to feel when she sees people of all ages and nationalities and walks of life kissing and holding hands and in love? How depressing for her!
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Another thought
You might also want to talk to your husband about how he feels about his legal career. He struggled in law school and now he's started a new job far away from family and friends. A new legal career is very stressful and lots of people get to that first job and find that they HATE it. (Not just dislike --HATE it with a fiery passion.)
If he hates it and wants to leave the job, he may feel trapped by his role as sole earner. Since you're not working, he may blame you. I hated law school and my first two jobs as a lawyer with a crippling hate. My husband pushed me to stay in law school and then stay in those jobs because he wanted the income it could bring. I was extremely resentful of that. It was NOT good for our marriage or his sex life.
We finally hit a compromise. I changed jobs to a smaller, more flexible law firm and went to 4 days a week. I'm satisfied with my new job and new schedule, and the marriage has improved.
I don't know if that's how your husband feels. I may be 100% off base. You might want to ask, though.
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Could Be Physical
It sounds like you have many factors at work here, but I just wanted to point out that sometimes these things are physical. My husband and I also have a sexless marriage. We maybe get it on once every 5 months. I finally asked him to get some blood work done and it came back revealing that his testerone was extremely low.
He now applies a gel every morning to get his levels up to normal range. It's only been 1 month, so I haven't seen a change in his sex drive, but according to the literature, we should see a change soon. And even if it doesn't, I feel much better anyway because I know it's not me that's turning him off, or that we have a problem in our marriage - I have a physical reason to point to and boy does that give me relief!
You might want to get your husband to get some blood work done too, just to rule it out (or in).
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Sex is one thing...
you probably can live with out it, though you should not have to. But the fact that he has so little regard for your needs that he denies you even the most basic show of affection is, quite frankly, despicable.
If he has problems, fine who doesn't, he is still responsible if wants to continue to accupy the role of a husband. If he cant do that, I wuld seriously doubt that he loves you.
And people can argue all they want about the ways in which to survive a sexless marriage, but NO ONE should have to endure a loveless one.
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Sugar is to blame
Dear LW,
I absolutely agree with Cary that a change in diet is called for. A study in the Journal of Clinical Investigation recently showed that high levels of glucose and fructose can deactivate the gene that controls the amount of sex hormones in your blood. Remember, table sugar is a chemical, not a food, and as such is basically a drug, causing depression, loss of libido, behavior problems, and a host of other issues. If your husband has a sugar addiction, all the psychiatric counseling sessions in the world will not do diddly squat. And the drugs he is taking are only masking the symptoms of an underlying problem.
Personally, I suffered from mild depression from around age 7 until age 28 when I discovered the nefarious influence of sugar on the human body 4 months ago. I cut out sugar entirely, experienced a couple days of withdrawal symptoms, and since then have not experienced any depression whatsoever.
Your mileage may vary, but try this little experiment for a month and see what happens. I also suggest this for yourself, and more importantly your child. And if you are interested in making other positive changes to your diet, check out WestonAPrice.com for some common sense guidelines to healthy eating - be warned, they contradict the nutrition nonsense we hear in the mainstream media as paid for by the food manufacturing industry.
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You two have been through a lot of stress....
My non-expert opinion is that, while much of your husband's depression may be the result of a chemical imbalance in his brain, much of it is situational and will take time to improve. The two of you have endured an enormous amount of stress in a relatively short period of time: family fallout, abortion, professional challenges, new job, moving across the country, and a new baby (and major sleep depravation!). These things would be hard for anyone, and that even harder for someone who is genetically predisposed to depression.
Your husband has taken a big step in seeking medical treatment for his depression, but that may not be enough. He needs to continue his individual treatment, but the two of you need to pursue couples counseling. This man loves you; you love him. In the not-so-distant past you were intimate with each other, physically and emotionally. His problems with intimacy didn't start until the two of you went through all these stresses, so you have a good chance of recovering that intimacy when he recovers from his emotional trauma. I'll spare you the details, but I also went through a period of about 3 extremely difficult years. I lost a parent and two grandparents in less than 14 months, I went through the break-up of a long-term relationship, I experienced some serious health problems, and I was sexually assaulted. For about a year, I was completely numb emotionally. My guess is that your husband is numb right now. During this time, I felt as if I were doing nothing more than observing my life. It sucked. I didn't want to be with friends. I didn't feel like doing much of anything. And, I'm glad I was not in a relationship at the time - I would have been a terrible girlfriend/partner because I would not - could not - have been present in the relationship. I was a graduate student at the time, so I was able to benefit from my university's counseling and mental health services. But - even after the emotional numbness went away it took a while for me to completely recover.
I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time. I know it must be awful to not have any intimacy with your life partner. But before you write off the relationship, do everything you can to try to save it. As long as your husband is making the effort to recover, try to be supportive and patient. Maybe I'm naive, but I think it's possible to get your marriage back on track.
I know I'm probably the millionth person to say this, but have your husband ask his doctor about the medications. So many anti-depressants completely wipe out a person's sex drive - this could be a large part of his problem. Also, ask him to have his hormone levels evaluated.
Best of luck to you both.