Letters to the Editor
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It sounds like the punchline of a joke
"I don't hate women, I hate you."
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It's Broken
Run, don't walk, away from this marriage. The intimacy will never come back. It is over. He has withdrawn from this relationship and simply isn't man enough to leave you; he will make you do it. All you have to look at down the road is more of the same - guilt, worry, constant searching for an answer, any reason, and there is none. The ultimate in passive agression, and whatever you do he can say it wasn't him. So be it - LEAVE.
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Dan Savage?
You've got to be kidding me.
Oh, and if you think the answer to this woman's problem is just to go out and have affairs, then you don't understand Dan Savage's column.
He does not "give permission" to other people to have affairs (how can he do that anyway?). He recommends honesty first and foremost in all relationships--even painful, unconventional honesty. He is not against open relationships if the partner agrees to it; that's different than cheating which he does not condone.
I don't agree with Dan Savage about much, but I do appreciate that he tells people to be honest and not sneak around.
So get it together, you dipshits. Dan Savage did not emerge from Seattle and make guiltless adultry the new cultural norm. If that's what you think he's about, that says something very unflattering about you.
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Could be all drug related
With the exception of Welbutrin, all anti-depressants have sexual side effects. Particularly on men. Some are purely physical and others are a mental disconnect from wanting that.
Meeting with the psychiatrist together or a couples counselor might be beneficial in discussing what the drugs are doing overall to the LW's husband's body and if there's something that can be done either in switching medication or behavioral modifications.
This could be no different than a medication side effect, and before jumping into the emotional/mental aspects - talking about the biology first is an important step.
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It's the Meds -- And you have the right to ask
Like many others have already said here, it sounds like it's probably the meds.
A specific suggestion: Have your husband ask about Welbutrin. My Dr added it to my SSRI and it made a huge difference. The company line is that Welbutrin has "a low instance of sexual side effects" but the truth is that it makes most people horney.
Another thing that occurred to me is that you have the right to know how his therapy is going. Not necessarily in detail, but this is something that affects your union, your life together. Right now it seems like you are trusting him to just work out his problems, but it's more complex than that. He says he's working on the libido problem with his doctor but what does that mean, really? That they are trying different meds? That there are some things that need to be talked through? Look at it this way, if he had cancer, you wouldn't necessarily sit in on every examination (especially those of a personal nature) and treatment, but you would know what the plan was, you would know what to expect.
Because this is affecting you and your marriage, you might want to consider some couples therapy. First of all, that might open up the issue that this isn't just affecting him. Perhaps there are things that both of you could do to help him. And it sounds like there have been tough times in your marriage that he wasn't able to be there for you.
I look at it this way. Being married is sorta like being a team. There's this big play going down -- his mental health -- and you seem to be benched. If you are going to succeed, you have to play as a team.
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Please, please get his testoterone level checked
I agree with others about the meds but please, please insist that he get a physical exam and that his testosterone level be tested. Men, just like women, can experience hormone imbalances. I know what a difference low testosterone can make in a otherwise healthy man. My husband began taking testosterone supplements after surgery affected his hormone levels and it really made a difference in his libido. A nonexistent sex drive can worsen depression in some men, causing a loss of affection as well. Please insist he get a physical.
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Stop Pretending that SEX is the Real Issue Here
Yes, it's a major point. But sex and affection are two different things. Everyone knows that anti-depressants affect libido, and though that part is hard on the LW it's surely not SO bad as at least she understands the loss of sex. But her husband needs to offer her affection of some sort. Even if it's awkward and an effort for him (for whatever reason) - it's a start. He can SAY "this is awkward and hard for me, but I want you to know that you are loved, so I'm going to hold your hand [or whatever] for 10 minutes before we go to bed. Even if it's stiff, the LW will appreciate the effort on her husband's part to recognize her needs too.
If this won't come to pass, perhaps she could get them to marriage counseling. Yes, the hubby has problems, but as a couple they cannot pretend that the wife does not have needs too. If they go on this way they are headed to divorce or at least an affair, which would be a shame because it sounds like LW and husband have an otherwise strong-foundation and high-potential life together. But LW is LONELY and few people can live without affection endlessly. Sex? Of course (for some). Affection? No. He needs to let her know their life is not all about HIS problems only and that he - if nothing else - appreciates and rewards her patience with softness.
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Have you considered divorce?
I'm surprised Cary didn't mention this as a possible endgame, because the husband sounds emotionally abusive. I can understand the lack of a sex drive, but no hand-holding or simple touching? That's just cruel, and the letter writer shouldn't have to wait another day for her husband's renewed interest in simple kindness.
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It's the drugs, dummy
I've been on SSRI's and I can attest that they diminish the sex drive down to barely a blip on the radar. It's not only like your whole bottom half has been frozen, but the parts of your brain would normally lead to the unfreezing of your nether regions....well they're frozen too. The drugs tamp down, or squeeze the spectrum of, all feelings - the bad and the good.
As for the straight up affection....if a person - a man, let's be direct - at his essence associates kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc as precursors to sexual activity, rather than activity in themselves, then he if he doesn't want sex, he won't want those other things either.
Also - and this is something women can relate to - he might not want to start down the road of affection because he fears it might lead to expectations of sex. He doesn't want sex, doesn't feel he can perform, and so doesn't want to get himself in a situation where he will fail to please her.