Letters to the Editor
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So He Doesn't Want Sex?
That's one thing. Refusing to share even the most basic of intimacies isn't just medication, isn't just depression. It's either cruelty or selfishness. There is a big component of selfish in depression: the feeling that I caused all the pain, that have the power to destroy others' lives, that I am the only sad, heartbroken, whatever, person in the world.
Stop being superficial. Stop talking to your girlfriends about it and tell him. Tell him that it's breaking your heart that he won't even hold your hand, roll over in bed and pat your thigh, let you know that you are loved.
Anti-depressants are notorious for leading to lessened libido. But affection isn't about libido, it's about caring enough about your partner to let them know that you do care.
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Just a thought
Although it may be more complicated in the case of these people, LW says husband is taking meds for depression. A lot of anti-depressants lower the sex drive. But, man, you feel great! Or at least anti-depressed.
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You're Not Alone
Dear LW -
Cary's advice is good, but I'd also like to suggest a book. It's called "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It." (Pub: William Morrow, 2007)
Apparently this is a problem for millions of men, and not just older men.
They have a whole section on depression, and the effects of anti-depressants. They suggest trying different medications until you find one that works for the depression but doesn't kill the sex drive.
Good luck.
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Couples Counseling
Definitely get couples counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself. Maybe I'm channeling Dear Abby here, but I think that's really your only option. There's not enough information in your letter - and quite possibly in your knowledge - to say exactly what's going on.
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Change the meds...
Having tried 20+ odd meds for bipolar disorder, I can attest that the medications he's on can have a HUGE effect on libido. Some antidepressants have worked fabulously for my mood and personality but make sex or even physical intimacy seem repellent. It's not easy to experiment w/ antidepressants, but if he's amenable, talk to him about trying one with less sexual side effects (under the watchful eye of a good psychiatrist, of course). Generally, there is no perfect med-there's usually a side effect trade-off. For instance, a med that renews libido may make him gain weight or experience insomnia and so on. But it's worth a try....
CT's exercise suggestion is good...a lot of medical studies do indicate that regular exercise increases seretonin. And therapy can take a toll on romance until certain issues are worked out. But until the meds issue is addressed, I wouldn't take it personally. Just don't feel guilty about masturbating while he figures it out.
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Speaking as someone who's been treated for depression
I can tell the LR, as I'm sure she knows, antidepressants can kill your libido.
At the time I started taking Zoloft, I was also taking chromium piccolinate to control my sweet tooth and to help maintain lean muscle tissue.
Chromium has the side effect (at least with men) of increasing their sexual performance and stamina.
When my therapist expressed surprise that I didn't have any sexual side effects from the Zoloft, I told him about chromium.
He started recommending it to several of his patients who were having sexual dysfunction from their meds. A few weeks later, he told me, "You might have helped me to save some marriages."
The LR might want to recommend it to her husband.
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Tough situation
The Letter Writer says: "But he does not hug, nor hold my hand, nor snuggle on the couch, nor put his head on my shoulder when we sleep, nor any of the normal intimate gestures that were part of our daily life before his depression set in last year."
That's strange. I can understand not wanting to hold hands -- it's kind a weird form of intimacy, isn't it? Grasping each other? -- but no touching AT ALL?
You've been pregnant twice, so obviously he enjoyed sex at some point. When did it stop? Is there some built-up resentment he has toward you? Were you mean to him about something? Did you ever cheat on him or do something that would kill his affections? Or did this really come completely out of nowhere?
I agree with Cary that you should exercise and eat healthy food. Being in shape makes sex a lot more fun. So there's that.
Also, do you two share common interests? I hope so. Whatever interests you share, keep doing them together. Even though you both have burdens and stresses, be sure to have fun. Do fun things. I know it's hard if you have to be the one organizing this all the time, and hopefully that's not the dynamic, but man, you gotta make sure there's fun in the relationship, even when there's also stress and (I'm guessing) resentments.
I also find it hard to believe that the guy has no sexual interests at all. It's possible. But does the guy have porn? If he doesn't want sex, he must be masturbating on a regular basis. You might ask him gently but directly about this stuff. Don't judge him or give him a reason to feel embarrassed (he may well be anyway). If he has a sex drive but isn't directing it toward you, it might be a simple matter of guiding him back to you. I admit this is as much his responsibility as yours, so I'm not trying to suggest it's your fault. But he might need some friendly persuasion.
One other thing: You're sure he doesn't have any affairs, right? I hope not and I don't think that's likely. But many things are possible. As for you, are you thinking of having an affair to make up for the intimacy you're not getting? If you are, I suggest that you hold back. If you start seriously entertaining this idea, be sure to also start seriously entertaining its potential consequences.
In terms of your sex life, is it routine? Do you two have good foreplay and stuff? Do you flirt? Go out on dates? People in long-term relationships still should go out on dates! Do you do the things he likes? Does he like being touched, massaged, in general? Do you two communicate about the ways you like to be touched?
I dunno what else to say, but you might experiement. Read some of those Cosmo articles -- bring him in on this -- and experiment with each other. Hopefully he'll be open to trying. If not, then at a certain point you have to ask him if he really wants to be married. Make sure he knows that you want to make him happy, to make him feel good. You do want to make him happy, right? Then, when you've done that, make sure to find out for sure that he wants to make you happy.