Letters to the Editor
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Poor kid
Dear LW,
Y'all should get to family therapy ASAP. A drinking problem and the type of explosive rages DON'T just resolve on their own. When a kid has this kind of troube, it's because the whole family is dysfunctional. The child's acting out is just the visible symptom of the whole family's problems. The child is "the presenting patient," but the whole family is involved when a kid gets this messed up.
You need to go therapy, too. You're playing a role in the dysfuntion. You seem distant from your family and uncaring. Why is that? Why aren't you intervening to protect your child from his mother's drinking problem?
Get to a family therapist.
Good luck.
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MarcoPolo
Oh, I don't think Cary's gotten worse over time--I think he's gotten a bit better--I remember one painful letter to which he responded with a long winded metaphor about how the LW should walk around in the woods waving a pistol and confronting her demons. I couldn't believe there weren't liability issues with that one.
I mean what if one of the demons turned out little old Mrs. Smead out walking her Lhasapoo? Good grief, you have to watch what advice you give people, even metaphorically.
I haven't seen anything quite that dense recently, thank God.
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Self-actualized?
Anyone describing himself as "self-actualized" ISN'T.
Mr "Cheerfulness-SelfActualized" sounds like the CAUSE. I'd not want to live with someone so smug.
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Self-Actualized? California Rolls Without Avocado?
I agree with those who say that no one who was truly self-actualized would describe him- or herself as such. Give me a break! As someone pointed out earlier in the thread, the LW has problems at the Love/Relationship/Belonging level, which means self-actualization is a long way off, in Maslow's scheme.
A minor note: in my experience, California rolls ALWAYS have both avocado and cucumber in them. That, along with crab (or Krab), sushi rice, seaweed, and perhaps a sliver of carrot, is what a California roll IS.
That other thing that has only cucumber in it? It's called a cucumber roll, and I'd be disappointed too if I was expecting California rolls and got cucumber rolls instead!
I'm just sayin'.
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I recognize myself too...
... If you are a managerial type, which I am and so is the LW, you get rather used to dealing with situations that other people think are the end of the world, but actually it is the third time that day that you have dealt with the identical apocalypse, so you know what to do and are not particularly hot and bothered about it.
Also significant is the fact that the LW is a priest in his chosen religion. The whole point of religion and spiritual development (assuming that there IS a point) to advance to the point of being able to accept life and death with equanimity, and NOT to freak out under stress as both the LW's wife and child seem to do.
I don't drink, because I don't need to or want to. A lot of people I know do drink. Although I personally think drinking is stupid and a waste of money, I have learned from experience that there is not much point in telling people who drink what I think, and that one is better off participating politely in discussions about, for example, which brand of identical overpriced poison is best as if it mattered.
Now, with the wife, most likely telling the wife that she is drinking too much will not be very productive. On the other hand, if she continues she may end up with dementia, liver damage, a painful death, and an early grave (like my first wife did.)
If she was an employee, she would probably be referred to the employee assistance program for counseling, and if the situation did not improve, she would be fired some time down the line for poor performance.
You can't do that with families. You have to love them and support them and try to do what is best for them--but in the end a person will only stop drinking when he or she makes that decision for her or himself.
In the case of the child, I am broadly in agreement that far too many children are medicated for behavioral problems, though there are obviously always some exceptional situations where medication is apppropriate. Since the child is apparently not neurologically compromised, performs academic work above average etc. it seems that his problem is really what psychiatrists call Intermittent Explosive Disorder, or what we ordinary folks call having a temper you cannot control.
How he got to this point we cannot say, though it appears from the LW's letter that he might be mimicking tantrum behaviors displayed by the mother.
I would have thought that since he is intelligent and old enought to be able to perceive that his behaviors need to change he would do best seeing a clinical psychologist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) so that he can learn to identify triggers to his rages and how to control them. This would be the best long-term strategy (just my opinion based on contents of the LW's letter, you understand), though some sort of medication, perhaps a small dose of an SSRI drug might be useful in the short term. Antiseizure drugs are also used for this kind of thing, but may have potential long term side effects--as do ALL psychotropic medictation.
...he was expecting avocado but got cucumber Also sounds to me like the child may have gotten this way by being spoiled. Children should learn from a young age to eat what is put in front of them and not argue. Like it or lump it, kid. Millions of children are starving as we speak
From the letter, I don't think there is anything wrong with the LW, nor is there anything wrong with asking for other people's opinions on these matters. Getting a variety of inputs is an essential part of planning a course of action and doing the first thing that comes into your head is rarely the best strategy.
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Sounds like LW isn't really present
I too get the sense that he has emotionally removed himself from his life. It's as if he's standing outside a window, observing everything else that's going on. I also wonder if he's invested more time and energy into becoming 'self-actualized' than into the people he has chosen to share his life with. Maybe he's just a truly positive person, but I really sense a great deal of aloofness and suspect that he isn't fully present.
It's also possible that LW is holding himself together because he thinks he's the only one in his family who can. And that may be true. After the crisis is over, he may have his own meltdown. For about 4 years in my early twenties, I experienced a series of extremely difficult personal problems, including the break-up of a rather toxic long-term relationship, the death of both grandparents, the death of my father after a long battle with cancer, professinal difficulties caused by dealing with all of these, and some serious health problems of my own. The whole time these events were taking place, I was remarkably composed and calm. It was after I was finished taking care of everyone else that I got sick. I have no doubt that stress was a huge factor. For a couple of months it took every ounce of energy I could muster just to drag myself out of bed in the morning. Even cooking and eating decent food was too much work. And I was having an extremely hard time focusing on my master's thesis (good thing I had such an understanding advisor). I'm already tiny, and I dropped about 15 pounds very quickly (I looked *terrible*). I was physically and mentally drained beyond the point of exhaustion, and it took a long time for me to fully recover. 6 years later, I'm perfectly fine. But my point is that while I thought I was being remarkably stoic and composed - even enlightened - during these ordeals, I was just detaching myself and totally avoiding dealing with what life sent my way. LW needs to recognize the possibility that he could be doing the same thing.
just my 2 cents.
Also - the wife needs to at least explore whether she has a drinking problem. And, it sounds like you're doing your best with your son. Medication, when used appropriately, can be enormously helpful.
As for the non-helpful in-laws: if they're doing nothing but stressing you out and upsetting your wife - keep your distance for a while. You can bet the farm that those kids know how their grandparents feel about them. Your already-challenged son does not need to deal with grandparents who don't understand his issues and who are not helpful.
All the best to you.