Letters to the Editor
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Ifá and the Advice Column
I don't know much about the syncretic Yoruban religions, but I'd have never thought a babalawo would turn to an advice column. Isn't Ifá the practice of divination?
One thing I know about Santéria, of which Ifá is a part, is that there is no good and there is no evil -- there is simply movement. All situations contain positive and negative attributes, both of which need to be respected as symbiotic. LW, by claiming only the positive aspects of your situation and attributing the negative to everyone else you've unbalanced your life. Your potentially-alcoholic wife and your rage-laden son and your cypher of a daughter all live in that overvalued house -- they, not the house alone, represent your life. So it ain't all rosy. I'm just surprised that you aren't recognizing that, given your religion.
Or maybe not I'm not surprised. I've actually witnessed an epileptic seizure treated as possession by my Santéria-practising family members (and had the phone ripped out of the wall when I tried to call a doctor), so I might just believe anything of Santéria and its close cousins. Sorry to sound disrespectful, but... that event stays with me. I do appreciate throwing the whole good/evil dualism out the window, though.
Tell your wife you are worried about her and ask her how she feels about her drinking. Start realizing your son will not "get over" his problems, but will probably need to treat them for a long time if not for life. Stop shutting the bad out. You should know what happens when you do.
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Fuck you, Cary.
You're not a writer. You are an advice columnist. Advice columnists write, but they are not writers.
If you are Jonesing so hard to be novelist, then for Christ's sake quit and write one. Surely Joan can find someone who understands what an advice columnist's job is, and who can moreover manage to answer more than one letter per column. Quit "challenging" yourself and your readers and do your damn job.
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Dear LW
Your letter reads as if you are looking in at your family through a window, just watching the activity behind the glass. They are doing things, saying things and acting. You seem to be playing the audience in your own home. Maybe what you need to do is break the glass and enter the house.
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My dad also waited for the right moment to talk to my mom about her drinking ...
... and it only postponed the inevitable. (They're now divorcing after 40 years of marriage, because my mom cannot/will not currently get sober.)
I think his cowardice and failure to act made things worse, because her physical dependency on alcohol only deepened during those years. If he had created a "bottom" for her earlier, she might've had a better chance at recovery. At this point, her chances for sobriety -- and survival -- appear very slim.
Alcoholism doesn't go away on its own. Remember that.
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Behavior Modification
My brother has Autism and he was prone to temper tantrums over what seemed like trival things (cucumber rolls, not avocado). Behavior Mod worked. He learned to control his frustration (and he has a lot of it because he lives in a different world from the rest of us and is constantly surprised by the way this one works).
A simple way to explain behavior mod is ABC. Antecedents (before), Action, Consequences. You write all this down in a notebook and hopefully discover connections (son has a lot more tantrums just before meal time, he's probably hungry or he throws a fit and Mom/you/grandparents jump to solve his problems, so tantrums are effective)
Then, reward good behavior. My brother was rewarded for fewer tantrums in a week. He learned to calm down when my father reached for the tantrum book. He went from moaning and beating his head on the wall (and cracking the plaster) to no tantrums. Yeah, it took years, but then he has Autism. He now is able to hold and keep a job.
Behavior Mod works on all sorts of kids, not just those with Autism. The key is you have to make sure you're only rewarding good behavior. Some kids who want more attention (and most kids are bottomless pits of attention need) get it by acting up and getting negative attention.
Self control is harder for some kids to learn than others, but just about every kid can learn it.
Good luck.
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some people are just happy
I know it seems a bit strange to most of us, what with our tumultuous emotions and swings from happy to sad, but at least some people in the world are basically optimistic and happy almost all the time. I didn't really believe it until I met someone like this. Perhaps the author is another.
It's not that he doesn't feel anything, or is "looking at the family through a glass," or anything negative like that, it's just that he actually lives that cheesy advice on that ubiquitous poster: "change the things you can, accept the things you can't."
LW, if that's you, more power to you. You make life better for the people around you. If it's all a front, as many of the commenters are claiming, then you need to deal with it. But I believe you may actually just be..happy. Enjoy it- you are very lucky.
For those of you that don't believe this is possible, think about it this way. If neurochemical imbalances can make some people perpetually depressed, then they can also make some people just plain happy.
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I've seen this all, but on the other side of the world
Here's what you are going to do:
Tomorrow morning, you wake up a half hour early. get a cup of coffee, find a phone book. Sit down and look up the number of your vet. Cats are remarkably stoic beings, but yours is 16 years old, and dying, and probably in pain. There is no good time to put a beloved pet down but unnecessarily prolonging a painful end is not a kind way to finish off a good life. Call your vet.
Next, your son. Sounds like he's an intelligent, energetic child in need of the motivation to learn some social skills. Find him an activity with a a thoughtful teacher- judo, rock climbing, archery, anything he'll participate in. The fun of participating in the activity may help him learn to coexist with others, to be flexible, to take a breath and not explode. You are going to need a professional of some type to guide you both and you may have to look a bit further than your phone book, but persist.
Your wife has a drinking problem. She may also benefit from professional help and I don't mean AA. She is not going to appreciate you talking about it, asking her to stop, reiterating yourself each day, but she is going to need your help. An alcoholic doesn't have to pass out every night, they just can't stop.
You have to be your family's pillar, their rock. Make sure your daughter is not forgotten, that the mail is collected, that some semblance of peace is reached in the house before the day ends. Not beacuse you are the man, or the father, but because your eyes are open. Be an instrument of change.
Your days are going to be long. It will sometimes feel unfair, like a mistake, like there's to time or space for you. But you must persist.
Enjoy the early morning. Make a habit of taking 30 minutes for yourself, and for your family.