Letters to the Editor
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@Cary Bashers
People,
This column is by Cary. Those who write to him probably know how he writes. They must like what he writes and how he writes. They must have some faith in his wisdom. It is just plain idiotic to demand that he write differently than he does. He feels what he does, and his advice is what it will be. Can you change a person ? Not really. So, those of you doubt that he is an authentic, compassionate individual who genuinely wants to help (in his own way) please leave the forum. You should feel free to disagree with his advice but to demand that he be different than he is is not quite right. I love his long-winded, meandering, digressive, navel-gazing, sometimes lyrical style. If he wasn't as popular as he is, Joan would jettison him. So, Cary Bashers, know that and please please let most of us enjoy his work without your inane complaining peppering comments here.
Keep on, Cary Tennis. I appreciate your large body of good advice despite what some might insist.
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Dang...
I missed my chance to comment on the "My boyfriend has a wandering eye" column, so here goes:
Men are visual - they're like guy baboons zeroing in on that red booty on the lady baboon. That will never change. Ever.
I check out guys - that's where dark sunglasses come in handy. I know my BF checks out women, but here's what I told him and what I tell everyone when the subject comes up:
You cannot be your partner's Thought Police - you wouldn't want somone else to police your thoughts now would you?
What you can do however is have a rule that neither you or your partner gawk while the other is around - it's disrespectful to your partner, to the person you're gawking at and to their partner (if their partner is present).
You can do all the behind-dark-sunglasses gawking on your own time and no, there's no need to tell your partner later that you saw this really hot man/woman - unless of course such statements are used to spice up your sex life and you both enjoy talking about and/or fantasizing about hotties you've both spotted during the week.
So ladies and gents: gawk away, flirt away...but do it on your own time. You're not joined at the hip, together 24/7 - I hope not.
You may say it's dishonest and "cheating" and that it leads to other dishonest behavior such as sexual affairs, but I disagree. In fact, I believe that allowing ourselves and our partners to look-but-not-touch we take much of the pressure off from being bombarded with sexy images and seeing attractive people around us (much as porn or erotica ensures that we don't go and jump someone's bones the moment we get horny.)
I liken it to window shopping: just because we're admiring that dress or shirt on display doesn't mean we have to go in and try it on and take it home.
P.S. I was with the BF one late night at an upscale restaurant a few years ago. A couple stood in line behind us - we were all waiting to be seated by the hostess. The GF was snuggling up to her GF - meanwhile he was checking me out which was disrespectful to her, to me and to my BF - only I noticed his gawking. They got a table about 30 feet from ours. My BF had his back towards the room - I unfortunately ended up with a clear view to their table. The guy proceeded to shamelessly gawk in my direction for most of the hour or so we all spent in the place. His GF was clueless - too busy staring lovingly at his face. My BF luckily never noticed anything. I ignored the guy, tried to move a few inches to the left so as to have my BF block the view, but to no avail. I could have flirted back, but I had zero interest in the guy. He was very good looking, but clearly had no, shall we say, inner beauty. I wanted to walk over and pour his coffee on his lap and tell his GF what she had been missing, but alas: only in the movies do people makes scenes like that.
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For Mr. Self-actualized
I agree with one of the other posters that you have divorced yourself from your own family. You may even feel like you are an outsider, based on my perception of how you describe what is going on. If appears to me that you may not have established a genuine relationahip with anyone in your family. If you had the type of relationship I am refering to, these problems would not have gotten as out of hand as they seem to be now. My opinion is that you are into yourself and your family is outside of your "inner circle." You problby have friends or associates that you feel closer to than your own family members. If you take this as negative then that is on you, you are the only one that can control your emotions, not me or anyone else on this website.
My advice to you, is to make a choice between your family and your work, or "outside life." Your son needs a father that is a major part of his life, who helps him to feel worthwhile, unconditionally loved, and allows him to show his love back. His mother may feel like she is responsible for her son's emotional state, and/or your lack of support ove the years. If you don't change the way you relate to each person in your family, things will only get worse. The problem is not with your wife's drinking and your son's psycho-emotional proglems, the problem is your family unit is not functional and has not been functional for quite some time. You are a major fator to your families health. You have to make the choice to make a change, or to leave this family and let someone else take over than can.
Mr. Bill