Letters to the Editor
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For Mr. Perfect
Sure, confront the wife. I would drink too, if I had a husband as perfect as you and as smug about it.
That said, get your son checked for low blood sugar or for sensitivities to food colors/additives or to something as simple as chocolate. All of these can cause explosive rages. Homeopathic physicians are very good for treating these kinds of issues. Also, if he's got weird fears, did they start with a sore throat or cold? I've known kids who were perfectly fine until they had a series of strep throats, then they got suddenly fearful and anxious. Strep exposure can cause obsessive-compusive behavior and anxiety in some children. Search OCD Strep and see if you can find some of the recent studies. Good luck.
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Earth calling LW...
Here is my impression; you have divorced yourself from your family’s problems. Since you are fine, all is right with the world. Well, guess what, your family’s problems are yours. Stop being such a rock that people have to scream to get through your blissed-out mindset.
And here is a tip, next time you wife looks like she’s tipping back a few too many-don’t try to pry the bottle out of her grip. Trying taking her hand and asking if there is anything you can do for her instead. Try not to assume anything resembling the lotus position when you do this-it’s annoying.
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Narcissistic Navel-gazing
Cary's responses as of late have been exercises in extended navel-gazing, but the preamble to today's letter has shown that he is such a narcissist that he is more concerned with peering into his navel than doing his job.
You're an advice columnist, Cary, not a literary writer. When the writer's need to flex his artistic muscles supersede the point of the writing itself, that writer is no longer worthy of the reader's attention.
I think Cary needs a different writing gig to fulfill his needs. Advice column writing clearly is too limited for whatever it is that he needs to get done when he starts toying with his readers in the manner he has. I don't like being played with and I won't be reading anymore.
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One flesh, one body?
What struck me as really weird is the fact that you say everything is fine with you, and only your favourite candidate becoming president would make you happier.
See, that's what's so weird. The fact that you didn't say your wife sorting out her drinking problem would make you happier, or that your son getting his emotional balance in check would make you happier. Most people would have said that about their significant others, because their happiness is an extension of your own, not something separate. It's almost in some way as though you haven't really bonded enough with them to consider them as one flesh with you. Because their emotional distress would bother you, and you would feel their pain enough that you'd include the alleviation of that pain as one of the things that would make you happier. Not just Barak living in the White House.
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Your wife hardly drinks at all...
If she were a problem drinker, she would be injesting gallons, and hiding the gallon jugs, and turning into a creature. Drinking problems are not subtle things, not things you need to douse out with a divining rod, and tease out with Occam's Razor.
If she were a problem drunk, she would be slopping out and slurring off, and drinking fifteen beers, rather than three. You yourself may need three or four beers to see proper perspective.
You write as if you are looking for back-up to leave her, and stick her with your kids, while you (maybe?) run off somewhere with a lovely younger exotic priestess, to slit chickens' throats and make whoppee in the chicken blood, after the pesky Santerias finally leave.
Your son's problems appear manageable, not so severe, probably, for a nine-year-old boy. Your son's problems are your problems. You are responsible for him. Try a sense of humor and unlimited love, unlimited patience, in addition to medical approaches.
Give up all your vanity, and concentrate on your family. If you need to feel cool or hip or smart or something like that, take your noble feeling from your devotion to your family. Holy snakes! Your wife and your son are MUCH better than most wives and sons! Look around at the other families on your block, and be a good father.
Cool it with the search for justification. Stay and live and love and grow up gracefully.
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P.S. I was away last week...
And I missed whatever Cary defensed about. Wow! Must have been great! I will go back and read it.
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When I was a kid our favorite day of the year was Mom's birthday
Because she was too drunk to beat us.
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Relationships always are never just about the other person (or people)
LW, since you were thoughtful and enough to lay out your questions in simple 1-2-3-4 format, I'll comment on them the same way:
1) Is this the wrong time to tell my wife that I think she may have a drinking problem? Should I wait till, say, the cat is buried?
I think Cary is right. Tell her now, but don't do it when the kids are bickering and everybody's tired and she has a knife in her hand. Choose the time carefully so that both of you are calm and as unstressed as possible, and tell her your concerns. Don't expect her to agree with you or thank you for bringing it to her attention. If your wife truly is alcoholic (and it sounds to me like she may be), the situation isn't going to change overnight, and changes will not come easily.
2) Am I right that because we are taking it so seriously, my son will probably get over his issues with treatment?
I can't speculate about whether the treatments you have sought for your son will be effective. However, judging solely by the contents of your letter, it sounds like your son is mirroring some of the inappropriate rage that your wife is expressing. Or perhaps it's vice versa.
3) Is there something wrong with me that I'm not despairing about this?
I don't know if there's anything "wrong" with you. Probably not. Most of us are wierd/special, just like everyone else; most of us are just different shades of normal. But obviously, because you asked, you are a little uncomfortable in your own skin these days, so here are a couple of things I thought were odd about the way you described your situation in your letter. Please accept these comments not as criticisms, but simply as suggestions for things you might want to think about:
It seems odd that your daughter is virtually invisible, in terms of the concerns you expressed about her in your letter. By that I mean, you really didn't express any for her. I'm guessing that if your son is a constant source of tension in the household, and the kids frequently bicker, and your wife is depressed and downing several beers each night to cope with it, your daughter is being strongly affected by the situation too. You might want to think about scheduling a session for her with your son's therapist.
I find it odd that you place almost as much emphasis on your 15-year old cat's impending euthanasia as you do on your son's emotional problems and your wife's possible alcoholism. I think you are focusing on the cat as a way of not having to focus on the larger problems. Maybe your wife is too.
You say you're young, you have amazing kids, you live in a wonderful city near fabulous schools, you make plenty of money, and you "feel like everything is perfect." But, it's NOT. Perfect, that is. I don't think you're The Rock because you just are one. I think you're The Rock because you don't feel you have a choice. Or, maybe, you're in a relationship with an alcoholic, and are exhibiting classic codependent behavior. I mean, she's the drunk, and you're toughing it out bravely without so much as whining about it, so you get to be the good guy in the story, right?. Have you seen the movie "When A Man Loves A Woman?" You might find it interesting.
Relationships are two-way streets. If your wife and son are out-of-balance emotionally, the rest of the family almost certainly is too.
4) Do I get an award for most parenthetical asides in a single letter?
I'll have to defer to Cary on that one.