Letters to the Editor
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babies
I am not just a problem-solver but a functionary with my own private aesthetic necessities to attend to.
Oh, how I wish Cary would get a grip and realize that sometimes, he should delete the navel-gazing bits before he posts his answer! This was one of those times.
I wish I knew what to say to the LW.
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reaction to a new baby?
Cary, she can't take two weeks off - she's still home on maternity leave. Taking two weeks off from a two week-old baby is impossible.
But the baby may be a big factor in all this - it can't just be coincidence that the husband suddenly snaps two weeks after the birth. There's a lot of evidence that men can undergo hormonal changes and postpartum depression or anxiety right along with their partners - could this be contributing to the issue? If you can't realistically get away from the baby to do intensive therapy, at least get your husband in to someone who can screen for depression.
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Fatherhood
It is a bit late for him to only now let on that the marriage was a mistake, with five kids here now. Does he not love them either? Were they mistakes? Can he put them back on the shelf?
Since the youngest is but two weeks old, it occurs to me that he may be having some kind of existential crisis regarding his ability to support five kids.
What should the LW do? God only knows. Maybe if he goes away for a little while he will come back, dragging his tail behind him.
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More to this story
Those lines he gave you, sound like the flip side of the lines he may be giving another woman. Can't you see it? "My wife doesn't get me. I never loved her..I only married her b/c of blah blah blah, and then I stayed because of the kids...I love her, but I'm not in love with her..., I'm not happy..."
You've been a bit preoccupied with tending four kids and being pregnant and giving birth. Maybe too preoccupied to notice the other signals. Time to do some snooping around. It just sounds really suspicious to me that this came out of the blue and that he is reinventing history all of a sudden.
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Man up
He didn't seem to have trouble making five babies...time for home to step up, be a man, and raise them right, and give them a proper male role model who takes responsibility for those that he does love.
Was there any sign that you married a spineless man before you decided to breed with him, LW?
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He's lost
Does sound like a midlife crisis. He probably still loves you, but he is lost. Cary's letter wanders about, probably because it is extremely hard to make suggestions without knowing the particulars of your relationship. I would guess that your husband does not perceive his daily life positively and that he doesn't see the future bringing substantial changes. Each day is grey, but isn't life supposed to be in color? He may have been thinking about this for some time, and the thoughts simply wore him down. What to do? Well, certainly seeing a marriage counselor is an excellent idea, but your husband probably needs to figure out which way is up for himself as well and suggesting seeing a therapist on his own isn't a bad idea. Note that not all marriage counselors know what they are doing, so keep that in mind during your sessions. In your interactions with your husband, I would suggest being firm, but do not push him away (don't start dividing the assets), as that will definitely not help. You are likely in for a rough year, try not to despair.
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More than a midlife crisis, I'd say
I think a visit to a psychiatrist is in order. Fear of dying; work stress; trying to disassociate oneself from (essentially) his entire life -- sounds kind of major. Based on my own experience I'd say he needs mood stabilizers to get out of crisis, and regular therapy to talk out his issues. Good luck.
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Stress, Depression, Sleep Deprivation, Loss of Intimacy
Your husband is going thru a rough time.
My guess is that he isn't getting enough sleep. He is trying to juggle work and extra home responsibilities. You are wiped out and have no energy to help him emotionally.
He is pushing thru this with a feeling of responsibility. Meanwhile things are rough in the economy. Work is probably not up to par.
Inflation is making it hard to make ends meet. Four kids was really tough. How can we pay for five?
Get marriage counseling and maybe just counseling for him.
When our second child was born (married 9yrs), it triggered deep depression for me. I can't remember the first year. Barely made it to work every day so the bills would be paid, then came home and fell asleep. Didn't love my wife any more. Didn't love the kids. Didn't love myself. Just existed and paid the bills.
But counseling, a career change, and support from my wife helped me pull it together again. I needed change. I thought maybe I needed a divorce. But in the end, a new job, a new church, and a renewed level of communication was enough.
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oh, yeah - and twice a week counseling for two years
and mood stabilizing drugs.
It's not going to be easy.
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Protect yourself and your children
Dear LW,
Your husband is telling you something. Listen to him. He wants out. Maybe he's having an affair, maybe he's having a midlife crisis, maybe he woke up and just decided to embrace his selfish side. It doesn't matter. He feels trapped and wants out. He's been thinking about it for awhile. Things were not okay a few weeks ago - they just seemed okay. You need to let him go.
Like Cary suggested, go see a divorce lawyer and find out your options. Figure out how you're going to take care of these 5 children without him to lend a hand.
He obviously needs therapy and countless other things (a good swift kick in the rear among them), but right now you need to focus on how you and your children are going to manage without him. Let him figure out what to do with himself.
At some point if you let him go he may come back to you. You may or may not want him back at that point. But if you try to force him to stay he will definitely bolt. Right now he's feeling suffocated - the last thing you want to do is push him into a corner. Unfortunately you can't convince him he wants to stay when he doesn't want to. So take a deep breath, see a lawyer, take him at his word, and take care of your own needs and those of your children in this difficult time.
Best of luck to you.