Letters to the Editor
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my sympathies
I had a lot of "Auntie How-are-you-related-to-me-agains" when I was growing up. They were wonderful old ladies - most of them no longer with us. Thank you for making me think of them.
You have my deepest sympathies. Yes, you were thoughtless, selfish, and lazy. Never mind that you couldn't really afford the trip, you should have gone. Not too long ago one of my Auntie's husband died (she was not actually any blood relation, and I never called him uncle) and I missed the funeral because I selfishly had pneumonia. I felt terrible about it, not because my excuse wasn't good enough (I spent that morning in the ER having an IV drip antibiotics into my veins) but because let's face it, I really didn't feel like going. I still feel terrible. I wrote her a long letter, but that's not the same. I can't shake the feeling that if our situations were reversed, she would have made it to the funeral somehow. And I know that she totally forgives me, which is the crushing part - I'm the young one who's always irresponsible, and she's the old one who has never failed me yet. There's no logic to any of this. I'd feel the same no matter how bad or good my excuse was.
Skip Cary's letter to the dead and write a letter to someone living. Leave out the part where the baseball game was a higher priority than your dead aunt. Just say how much she meant to you.
It's okay, it really is. Your priorities got a little screwed up. But you've got them straight now. It just took doing the wrong thing for you to realize what the right thing was. That happens a lot. We're human, sometimes we don't notice how important people are to us until decades after they're gone. We look back and say, "I should have made her a higher priority in my life." And it's too late.
One more thing - use this opportunity to take stock of your relationship with your boyfriend. I'm not saying dump him, just... maybe determine that his advice is not that great on certain subjects and you won't listen to him anymore. I have determined, after years of experience, that when my husband says, "You don't really want that, do you?" he has no idea what he's talking about. Some of the things I listened to him and didn't buy are things that aren't made anymore that I ended up buying on ebay for five times the original price after years of wishing I had one. Seriously, I love him but his advice on what I want to do sucks. How could it not suck? He's not me! I am the one and only, sole expert in the world on what I want to do. And you are the one and only sole expert in the world on whether or not you should have gone to the funeral because you'd feel terrible if you didn't.
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I, I, I
Learn from the guilt.
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In Honor of Your Auntie Miriam
Resolve to get out of credit card debt.
Cancel the five star vacation and go spend a weekend in the Catskills. Pay down your credit card debt by whatever EXTRA amount you can handle, each and every month, pay that thing OFF, and every time you get the bill and the balance is LOWER, not higher, look up and say, "Auntie Miriam, thank you."
Because your Auntie Miriam's death got you to look at the crappy way you have been dealing with money.
Love her memory for that!
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Sometimes...
We feel guilty for a reason-- like because we should!
Poor old Auntie Miriam lies mouldering in the ground and all of this energy and angst is about me-me-me.
Jeez, step away from the ego and think about somebody else for a bit. Like the grieving family and friends for whom funerals serve as a chance to remember and revere the dearly departed. Maybe they could've used me-me's undoubtedly comforting presence.
On second thought, maybe it's best me-me stayed home. Based on the narrative, it surely would've morphed the day from remembrance of things Miriam into more sad tales from the world of me-me, and I'm fairly certain the family has had enough of that over the years.
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Guilt is bad
Try to forgive yourself. There is no reason to travel across the country for a funeral for someone who gave you christmas presents. Send flowers, condolences, etc. Your attendance was not expected. Throughout your life people will die and you may or may not be able to attend their funerals for many reasons, all of which really amount to "selfish" choices when you analyze them. You simply have to put your wants and needs first, and attend funerals when it is convenient. Don't feel guilty.
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we need each other
Well, many of us have been one of the relatives hosting (probably not the right word, agh) the funeral, and I can tell you from personal experience that it matters a lot when people show up. I mean, I was one of those who would sort-of go if I could, and then my mom died. I really wasn't keeping score, but lemme tell ya, I was so touched by the people who bothered to show up, and I did notice the people who didn't bother. I now go, always; I interrupt my own "needs" and plans and I go. Maybe now you will too. It matters. Funerals are for the living; they're for acknowledging that we matter to each other, that we are interdependent.
I am reading the posts that advise you to put your needs first (or to "never feel guilty"), and I wonder: what happens when you need something or someone? ('Cause you will, we all do.) And that someone says, "Sorry, I have to put myself first." You see? You have to take care of yourself, sure, but to make your convenience a priority... well, it's not workable in an inter-connected world. (News Flash to Select Other Posters: You too reside in this inter-connected, social world, whether you admit it or not. You are not invulnerable.)
Speaking of taking care of yourself, I heartily agree with others who have warned you about the debt. Trust me on this, the debt is clouding your judgment. Not just your financial judgment, but other decisions (like this one about the funeral) too.