Letters to the Editor
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She can't afford it
The problem here if this woman is truly loaded with credit card debt, she really can't afford the trip to New Mexico. However, given that she's spending major bucks for a Vacation on New Mexico, she obviously is making a choice that her own selfish interests are more important. She's feeling guilt, and that's natural. Everyone has a choice either make choices that won't make them feel guilty or feel not guilty.
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It's not about the funeral.
First of all, dump the boyfriend. Any guy who would tell you $470 seems expensive when you're talking about going to a family funeral is either immature or a jerk. Maybe both. The supportive, loving thing for him to have done would have been to offer to pay for the trip, or loan you the money, or help you make the credit card payments for a month or two if they get too burdensome.
(Of course, it's always possible that he - and your sister - understood that you really didn't want to go and were only trying kindly to give you permission not to. But I stand by my statement, so flame away if necessary.)
I don't think what's really bothering you is that you didn't go to the funeral. To me, what's going on seems deeper than grief. I can think of two things:
Your aunt's death, and your decision not to go to the funeral for financial reasons that perhaps didn't really exist, have brought all sorts of questions about your money choices to light. People don't typically spend over their means to the point of significant debt without some underlying cause - a void to fill of some form or another. Suze Orman has written some very good books on the topic and you could probably benefit from checking them out.
OR.
Your aunt died. You decided not to go to the funeral ostensibly for financial reasons, but something else was really the underlying cause. Perhaps you felt guilty for not spending more time with her when she was alive? Perhaps there were other family obstacles? Only you know - or could know, with enough introspection.
I had an experience like yours - I lived a thousand miles from my family and one day got The Call. My mother had had a heart attack and wasn't expected to live. I, too, was broke. My boss was kind enough to give me frequent flier miles to get home (but no so kind that he would pay me for the days I missed work). My mother never regained consciousness, but I spent her last few days at her bedside. That's when I mourned. I didn't go to the funeral - I had to get back to my job because I couldn't afford any more time off.
Do I regret skipping the funeral? Not for a moment. What I regret most of all is that I chose to spend what turned out to be her last Christmas in my home state, because I had a new boyfriend and didn't have much money. If I had the chance to do it all again, I would spend the cost of that airfare a thousand times over to spend one last Christmas with my mom.
These are the lessons learned through living life. Whether this is about your financial issues, or guilt, or shock, or family drama, or grief, or whatever, you unfortunately will face the same decision again at some point in the future. I hope by then that your decision, whatever it is, does not cause you regret.
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Send A Condolence Letter
Did your aunt have other family - children, spouse, someone close to her? Write a thoughtful letter to one of them, telling them why your aunt mattered to you, maybe with a story or two about times you shared with your aunt. It doesn't matter if you don't know them well.
My mother died when I was fairly young (still in college). There was a memorial service, and people said nice, generic things. But some of my Mom's friends sent me letters or notes, just telling me why they missed my Mom and what she meant to them. Stories about things they did together. I'd never even met most of these friends, but those notes meant a great deal to me. I still have them and read them every now and then.
It's not the same as going to the funeral, but it's a way to feel connected to her and to other people who were close to her.
You might also do something in honor of your aunt. My Dad died recently and I had a memorial service for him - which was fine, but not as meaningful to me as doing something that meant something to us and our relationship - going to a favorite place, or singing a favorite song, etc. You mentioned that your aunt always gave you great Christmas presents. Christmas is a long way away, but maybe you could give awesome Christmas presents to someone in need, and think of her when you do.
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The funeral is less important than what you do after
Calling your family, sharing memories of your aunt with your family, making sure that you stay in touch with them after all the initial funeral flurry is over... these are the real important things. Attending a funeral is just one way to show you care, but it's not the only way, and it shouldn't end there if you're close to this part of the family. If a month goes by and you have found that you've been too lazy to contact them and share your condolences, then it would be time to reconsider that you're selfish and uncaring (and start doing something about it).
It is of concern that you're in credit card debt and have already made plans to get further in debt by a luxurious vacation. These are not the actions of a particularly conscientious person. Whether it's indicative of a larger pattern of selfishness is something you have to answer for yourself, but please start taking steps toward self control and getting out of debt.
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I never go to the funeral.
All the times I've had the opportunity to attend a funeral, I've passed. For one thing, I want to remember folks as they lived, not as they died, and funerals do tend to revolve around death. And where others are grieving, and I'm not (my rather carefree religious beliefs don't make for a lot of grief), I don't want to be the one *not* grieving, and impeding the process for those who need it.
Is the LW worried about what others think of the funeral-skipper? We all deal with things in our own heads in our own ways, and I've only once had someone hold it against me that I didn't attend a funeral, and that person was going to be unhappy no matter what I did.
As Cary points out, there are a lot of ways to cherish someone's memory, and dropping everything to rush across the country isn't the only one. The questions that this death has brought up for the LW - money management, distance from family, etc. - are important, but quite separate from the funeral-attendance question, and big decisions about these things should probably not be taken up until *after* the grieving.
Also, I've never yet gotten anything positive from letting guilt into my life. I gave it up in my late twenties, and haven't missed it once. Quite the opposite.