Letters to the Editor
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He's a Grown-Up
You can't squelch your husband's self-esteem -- only he is in control of that.
You need to take care of yourself first so you can be a healthy participant in your relationships. It is NOT healthy for you to diminish yourself or dampen your own confidence to prop up the self-esteem of other adults. Sorry, that's crazy talk.
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@boreddcgirl
Sorry for the serial posting ... just wanted to say I totally agree with you that this is not her "problem," per se. And it's very promising that she is noticing something's wrong, and wants to know what's going on.
However, I think that the fact that she's tolerated this treatment so long shows that she may have an unhealthy understanding of how relationships function, and could use the support of a therapist that will help her see how not okay her husband's actions are. That even if he will never change, she can make a change by getting out of there if she wants to.
Narcissists may not choose "victims," and nobody but them is responsible for their actions, but there are reasons that some people put up with their behavior while others give them a wide berth.
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Link and More: NPD
http://samvak.tripod.com/npdglance.html
Give this page a shot and then click on all the links offered by this page. It isn't difficult to research NPD; you just have to be motivated to do so. I think wiki answers and yahoo answers will also come up when you google questions about narcissists.
And for those offering the favored colloquial term for male NPDs - asshole - yes, they are but much much more.
However, when meeting for the first time the narcissist who nearly ruined my life, after 20 minutes I said to myself "What an asshole."
He was that and much more, I was sad to discover later.
Never underestimate a narcissist, btw. They have no empathy for others; we are here to be in service to them. When we aren't, they can be ruthless in how they deal with us. For me, they are one short of sociopathy and just as dangerous to our well-being.
In therapy situations, much like sociopaths, they will glean what they can from the therapist and then become what they think the therapist wants them to be and wants them to say. They can be charming to the extreme (mine was not only charming, but devastatingly handsome) and will have built up a fantasy personality.
As time progresses, as people slowly recognize who they are dealing with, the narcissist discards these people and picks up new ones who fall for the charm/fantasy all over again, and so on and so forth. They can easily maintain superficial and/or business relationships based on the fantasy person they have created; they have more difficulty maintaining long term, intimate relationships.
Indeed, even their so-called intimate relationships are not intimate at all - all parties in the household must provide the narcissist with supply. It's all about them; never about anyone else.
Narcissists at no time think they are at fault or have faults; you will notice when dealing with a narcissist that they always have excuses, and it's always someone else's fault. But make no mistake: They will crawl over your dead body to get what they want, whether it is your friends, your groups, your job, your relatives, or your limelight for the moment.
And if you cross them or if they think you have crossed them, they will attempt to destroy you until you are a smudge on the landscape.
In doing research on NPD, the advice I have repeatedly come across is once you recognize a narcissist, run as quickly as you can in the other direction.
Sorry, there is no good news when dealing with the narcissist.
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You _have_ to be kidding...
"I'm not sure why people are so quick to tell you DTMFA when there's no harm in actively trying to repair the relationship first."
Um...maybe it's because the husband is treating her like crap? Do you think a truly loving husband consistently trashes his wife to their friends--and steals her ideas?
"Just give it the old college try (unless in your heart you are completely over this man and there's no love left)."
What is it with some married people who recommend hanging in there even after there are any number of signs love is gone (or turned to hate) and the marriage is over? Does the amount of compromising some marrieds do damage their ability to see that sometimes there are more important things at stake than a couple staying together (in this case, that the husband is preying on the LW and she needs to get him gone before things get worse.)? Does being married mean you give up your boundaries and sense-of-self bit by bit for the sake of having someone/keeping the peace/because you've invested years in the marriage? If so, that is one of those myths that can't die out fast enough.
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@LeeLoosMultiPass
Holy Crap!! That's a perfect description of a fellow I broke an engagement with 8 years ago. I categorized him as a charming, funny, artistic, manipulative, selfish jerk with no compassion or empathy (@$$hole), and I eventually started to wonder if he really was a little 'unhinged'. Your explanation is an EXACT description of my ex's personality. I had not been aware, prior to today, that this really is a named disorder associated with incomplete brain development. Breaking that engagement was the best decision I ever made, especially now that I recently married someone wonderful. I guess I was truly fortunate in extricating myself from the situation when I did. (Although I should have ended it about a year before I really did)
The relationship was all about him and what he wanted. He wouldn't help anyone unless there was an immediate benefit to himself. He didn't care if his behavior hurt anyone else's feelings, and in fact, he didn't understand how his (presumably perfect) behavior possibly *could* be hurtful. He expected everyone to cater to him, but he wouldn't lift a finger to help anyone in return. Anytime he thought he may have to do something he didn't want to do, he threw a temper tantrum or simply refused to do it. That's why he couldn't hold down a steady job and why he dropped out of two different graduate programs. If he didn't want to do something, he quit and expected his employer or adviser to beg him to come back! Needless to say, that didn't happen. ha!
I always blamed his behavior on his parents and grandparents treating him as if he were perfect, giving him everything he wanted, and always taking his side when he got in trouble. That may have contributed. But the signs of NPD were everywhere!
What ultimately ended the relationship was his refusing to pick me up and take me to a doctor appointment to have stitches taken out of my hand. I had had surgery to set a broken hand the week before, and couldn't shift gears in my car. Mr. Narcissist said he didn't feel like coming all the way to my place to pick me up, and that he really didn't want to hang out in a doctor's office for an hour. He was busy reading a book. At first, I thought he was joking. It took a while to register that he could really be that selfish. The friend who drove me to that appointment just said "now you see what I've been trying to tell you. he's not a nice guy."
I dumped him that night.
As far as I know, this guy is still unable to function well in society. He's been married and divorced twice, and can't stay with a job for any length of time.
I'm still a little stunned by just how much these descriptions sound like him.
holy crap.