Letters to the Editor
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Joining the personality disorder chorus
Wimbledumb and chorus nailed it. For two years I sat with a large support group for survivors of parents with Axis II personality disorders. What you describe is a mix of NPD and BPD. Your husband has no sense of self and needs to appropriate your identity. That's one of the reasons he's intensely competitive.
Bad news: he's uncurable. To oversimplify, Axis II PDs are brain damaged. The regions of their brains that monitor identity and emotional cognition never developed properly. No one really knows why; we suspect severe early childhood trauma combined with a genetic predisposition towards high emotionality. In other words, Axis IIs never rebounded from normal developmental stressors. The recovery rate is statistically insignificant.
This article on the typical path for families of the mentally ill may help you: http://www.namigc.org/content/fact_sheets/familyInfo/famlyissweb.htm
Agree with fromPhilly. Intellectually asking, "Have you ever seen someone steal your identity/stay awake for three days in a row/hear voices," is the preparation to feeling blown away with: "Oh crap, my husband has major mental health problems." And from there it gets tougher for a while, but you can handle it. Whatever you do, do NOT have kids with this man.
You've got a long road ahead. Don't just rely on individual therapy to deal with this. Get thee to a support group; there are a number of them online. You're going to need it. Good luck.
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Totally, Totally Narcissism
Unless, of course, it is indeed Borderline Personality Disorder (which I know little about, since I didn't have one of them in my life).
Even before I was finished reading the headline of this letter, the word "narcissism" had popped into my mind. This is definitely his problem, not yours. The only question to ask yourself is why you have tolerated this behavior so long. I don't ask this to place blame on you, but as a serious question. Why have you tolerated it? Why did this ever seem "normal"? Did you have a parent who treated you this way? Was this one of your first relationships, so you figured this was just how things worked? The way you describe quitting groups once he has moved in on them, rather than standing your ground, is a way of enabling his identity banditry. It's seemed "easier" to give in and let him have his way, rather than defend your boundaries.
My dad had a lot of narcissistic behaviors. As Tigereyes describes, something pretty terrible happened to him when he was a small boy, and instead of support from people who loved him, he was blamed for the trauma. When this happens to small children, it makes them deeply insecure about their worth, so much so that they turn outward and look to others to bolster their sense of self. It is so crystal clear how this led to his dysfunction, it's almost like a made-up case study example.
The fall-out for me is that I grew up expecting to tolerate the kind of personal boundary violation I was used to from my dad. I had a series of friendships and relationships in which I allowed people to treat me the same way. Narcissists look for "victims" who will put up with their emotional vampirism. But it doesn't have to be like that.
I'd echo the suggestions of others to get your own therapist first, rather than seeking couples counseling. From what you say about your husband, I'd imagine that he'd only try to sabotage your efforts to repair your relationship. You need to get a clearer understanding of the dynamics at play before you decide how you want to proceed. Once you educate yourself, I promise that you will see your husband's actions in a whole new light.
A good, easy-to-read book on narcissism is "Why Is It Always About You?" Take a look at it ... just not in front of your husband.
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Nice responses
I believe this is the first time I've ever seen so many of the letters be supportive of an LW. That's gotta tell you something.
My only question is how can you possibly love this soul-sucking, flesh-eating excuse for a husband?
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Question about NPD...
I've seen several posts refer to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Is this really a documented medical order with associated abnormalities in brain chemistry or structure? Or is this a socially acceptable way to say that someone is a self-absorbed jerk with no consideration or empathy for anyone else? How is this different from being a garden-veriety asshole?
I think the other letters said everything else I had in mind - especially AfroGoddess and TimbukTom.
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That should be "garden variety"
...not "veriety". didn't proofread very well :-)
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@Tigereyes
just saw your letter. very interesting information about the brain development. That's exactly what I was wondering.
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I was married to a guy w/ NPD
and then I divorced him.
yeah, yeah, he had a tough childhood, as a wee lil toddler his parents broke his brain w/ dad beating mom and all that mind f*ck.
When I heard that disorders like this only get WORSE with age, I had a divorce lawyer on the phone so quick. I feel for my ex... poor guy... so long as he's not accompany-ing me through life.
btw, the old skool term for man w/ npd is "asshole"
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What a Good Thoughtful Answer
I would have just told her he was a controling SOB and get out. But it is true what you said. If you allow someone to control you, you are part of the problem. And dealing with a passive agressive person is difficult. When they are passive they are great, when a agressive, angry.
Good on you!
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Remember Dear Abby's Response
to situations like this?
Ask yourself one simple question. Are you better off WITH him or WITHOUT him?
And plan your next step based on the answer to that question.
But no matter WHAT the answer is, DO get therapy for yourself. Because the next question to ask is: Why do I allow this to go on? Why have I allowed it to go on for TEN YEARS? And why do I need someone else to tell me that this is sick, this is wrong and this is NOT NORMAL?
Once you get the answers to THOSE questions, you may be ready to seriously think about another relationship. NOT before. I can't emphasize that too much. I know from my own crappy relationship with my long ago ex that if I'd not gotten the answers to my own, similar questions, I would have fallen right back into that pattern.
Knowing who you are and what makes you tick is much more important than figuring out why he does what he does. Because when you figure out your own motivators, your own blind spots, and face them squarely, why anybody chooses to treat you badly will be irrelevant. You will cease to tolerate it, you will cease to give it meaning, and you will cease to have to deal with it: abusive people don't seek out those who will not be abused.