Letters to the Editor
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NPD possibly, BPD (borderline), definitely
People with Borderline Personality Disorder try to steal your identity and sabotage you behind your back. They're actually worse and more destructive than narcissists. And they almost never get better because they blame their crap on everyone else. Therapy won't help them because for it to work they have to be honest and they almost never are. I agree with the people who say run, don't walk. I'd also add please cover your ass because it could get dangerous.
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Why do you want to be married to him?
Can you think of any reason?
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With friends like that….
“It is not out of the ordinary for my friends to let me know that my husband has let them know his struggles with me in our relationship.”
Guess what? A fried would tell your husband to stop. A friend would say, ‘No. You’re talking about my friend and all this personal information is making me uncomfortable and its making you look bad. Stop.’ A friend would not sulk back to you with gossip that’s just made to stress you out. This is painful to hear: but if your friends are listening to him and going back to you with hurtful gossip they are not your friends. These people are just acquaintances.
I think these two got in a bad pattern: she runs, he chases and the friends get rotated out in favor or new ones who don’t know this crazed history. Rinse. Wash. Repeat.
I think therapy is the only answer. Even if the marriage can’t be saved the LW really needs to examine herself more carefully to make sure she dosen’t slide right back into this comfortable pattern.
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Yup, NPD
I agree with the commenters that are telling you your husband has NPD. Realizing my father had Narcissistic Personality Disorder was one of the most important events in my life. At first I was depressed because I thought I had been irrevocably broken, but over time I found ways to establish my own personality and live a saner life. Unfortunately there is no cure for this disorder, so talking to your husband is not likely to change his behavior. The relationship is destructive and will not improve. You should start attaching yourself to the idea of leaving him. It is the best way to take care of yourself.
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Note
There are trolls in these hills. Sometimes they come out.
If they do, believe me, what you hear from them is nothing to what you'll hear from your husband if you try to free yourself.
Psyops R Him. For him, it's a survival move, like a glutton moving to protect his lunch. You will need strength, and you will need people you can rely on. Because he -will- tell them how sick you are, and how worried he is, and how he only wants you to be happy.
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WTF
Its amazing what some people will put up with! Do you really need any fucking advice here?
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What's going on?:
He's an asshole!
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This is incredibly weird
Talk to a therapist. About yourself. Try to find out what needs of yours this marriage is serving, and whether there might be healthier ways to address those needs.
My own marriage is far from perfect, but it is light years better than what you describe.
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The real questions are
But the real questions are, has he always been like this? This kind of stuff usually just doesn't develop overnight, and you didn't mention anything like "Ever since his dad died, he's done X." And if he's always been like this, why have you put up with it for ten years?
Oh, by all means, try marriage counseling. Urge him to do individual counseling. But most important, get yourself to a therapist to figure out why you've been married for ten years to a man who usurps your ideas, suffocates your identity, and trash talks you to your friends.
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And thanks to those who explained "Pre-Madonna"
That stumped me. I thought maybe it was Madonna before she changed her name to Madonna.
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WHAT ARE YOU PERPLEXED ABOUT?
The guy needs serious counseling and you need to find an attorney. His anger at "whatevah!" is his motivation for wanting to see you destroyed, hurt, and with nothing - like him.
I don't see this guy changing overnight and what does it say about you to stay with someone who is sabotaging your objectives, trashing you to friends and relatives, and otherwise emotionally abusing you?
Get out while you still have your sanity, a job you love, friends, and relatives who are not yet tired of the drama - and leave a note telling him he's a nut case and he needs help. Yes, sometimes the truth does hurt.
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YUP - NPD, definitely, NPD
How interesting that so many of us who have dealt with NPD came to that conclusion. It was the first thing that popped into my head when I read the letter. And I felt a bit validated when I began to see the responses here nailing it as NPD, also.
LW, please do yourself a favor and do some reading (as others here have clearly suggested) about NPD. You must then decide if you wish to continue on living with your narcissist. If you do, you must realize that they will NEVER change, of that the literature and the anecdotal evidence is certain.
Some narcissists DO have long marriages - the narcissist that impacted my life has been married for many years to the same woman (second wife). However, implicit in that is the realization that the spouse becomes the enabler of the narcissist. It is the only way, apparently, that the marriages survive.
What I read here is the LW was her husband's enabler without understanding that was what she was doing. She was fine with it. Now she is not. This, to me, is the first sign that she has gained/regained her balance, and there is no turning back. She has reached her intolerant level and may mistakenly believe that there is some way to change her narcissist and mold him into a more understanding person or to have a more understanding and workable relationship with him.
What the LW may not know is this won't happen no matter what she does, no matter what type of therapy she seeks. She can only change herself and how she views the situation. She will never change a narcissist.
However, the way I read this, since she is now questioning his motivation, she will not "go back" to who she once was (an enabler), and the only choice, really, is to eventually leave the situation.
But if she entertains a "sliver of hope," she also can decide to stay if she understands that her only function in this relationship is to provide narcissistic supply to her husband.
She also needs to understand that once she stops doing that he most likely will seek that supply from someone else - whether or not she is still married to him. Indeed, he may already have, and in her enabler state failed to recognize or accept the signs of his philandering.
So decide if you wish to live a lifetime being narcissistic supply to a person who will never change - or breaking free and living the rich and full life you deserve.
But again, if you don't understand any of this, please understand one thing: A narcissist is incapable of changing.