Letters to the Editor
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What changed?
Something changed in your world, LW, that allowed you to suddenly see your husband in a different light. Something changed in one or both of you, and your husband is reacting badly to it.
What changed?
I agree with someone else who posted that there's a lot of information that's missing. Does one of you have a disability? Did you start working or get a promotion after years of not being employed? Did one of you lose a job? Did you lose a lot of weight?
Changes in life like those tend to change one's perception of self and/or those around them.
This is what I picture: You two were thick as thieves once upon a time. You were lonely and he supported your ideas. You'd say "Let's climb Mt. Everest!" and he'd say, "I have the rope right here!" But then you started to feel less lonely, more assured. Or maybe you started making more friends. And now you don't say "Let's", but "I'm...". He notices that, so when you mention anything he grabs ahold of it like its his, because you were his, but now you're not.
Maybe he even resents you for slowly and carefully abandoning him. You think its a deficiency in him (which it may be), but have you considered that you've become too self-sufficient to be with him? He tells others that you basically have your flaws and aren't good in some ways so that he can 1. justify why he's worthy of you, and 2. make it not his fault that the relationship is going south.
Something happened. Something shifted, and I think his actions are a way to close the gap. His actions are the result of something, not the cause. I think therapy could work in changing both of your reactions, but if you plan to leave him, I suggest that you make the transition as financially and emotionally independent as you can. Based on what you've said, I don't think its within his nature to be charitable and understanding when you making decisions about your life that will effect him and are out of his control.
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Libertyson
The term is prima donna, rather than pre-Madonna, taken from the italian term for the primary female singer in the opera.
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Mention you might start therapy and let him beat you to the punch about that!
But really, it won't help you for him to do therapy, whether it helps him or not.
The question that will help you understand what's going on is not "What's wrong with him?" The question is, "What is going on with me that I choose this?" Yes, it's in the relationship, but you choose that relationship each day. Why?
I disagree that you can write this off as a "mistake you made 10 years ago." Until you know yourself well enough to see why this person feels like home to you and what the payoff is for you, getting out only puts you in danger of linking up with the same guy in a different body.
Do your own therapy whether he joins you or not.
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Listen to Wimbledumb
NPD is right -- this is not about competition per se, it's about your husband not having a "there there" so he appropriates yours. Basically, he's empty inside and needs to fill it and your stuff is handy. He doesn't know he's doing it.
My ex began describing my relatives as his, not "my wife's cousin" it was "my cousin" my stories became his stories. It was baffling at first but by the time we divorced he had appropriated all my belongings as "his." When we argued about what I was taking with me he insisted that a rug I'd bought 10 years before we were married was his -- even though he couldn't remember where "he" bought it.
Unfortunately, NPD is almost impossible to treat. Perhaps you can accept this behavior (which doesn't get better btw) and learn to live with it. If you don't mind the appropriation of your life, more power to you. It weirded me out.
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Definitely NPD
I second, third, and fourth the people who say the husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I used to have a close friend who did the exact same things - constantly passing off my opinions as her own in front of others, repeating my jokes, always needing to be "better" than me in the eyes of others, etc. She would become increasingly shrill and desperate for attention if I received any attention whatsoever from mutual friends, even if they were my friends to begin with. I laughed it off for many years because I figured, whatever, I can come up with new jokes, so if she wants to repeat my old ones I don't really care.
We were friends for almost 10 years. I finally dumped her when I found out she had been sleeping with my boyfriend behind my back, repeatedly, and had blatantly looked me in the eye and lied about it, repeatedly. And not only that, she was regularly trashing me behind my back with him (yeah, he was a real prize as well, obvs.), and pressuring him to "choose her" and dump me. Despite all that, it was incredibly hard to break things off with her, because I had invested so much time in the relationship and I did see her good qualities despite everything. Her total lack of remorse or empathy was what finally forced me to walk away. Even after all her schemes came out, she was still trying to "prove" that he had "liked her better." She was still trying to win.
Please don't stay with this guy out of guilt or feelings that you've "invested" a certain amount of time in him - cut your losses and get out now. Otherwise you'll find yourself doing the same thing after 10 more years, which will be even worse for you. People like that don't, or can't, change.
In my case, I had met this person when I was 22 and very insecure and shy, and she was seemingly super-confident and loud and attention-getting, so I was comfortable having her take the spotlight so I didn't have to speak for myself or have attention focused on me. As soon as I started to grow up and develop other interests, friends, associations, etc., the conflicts began. This was not a person who was supportive of me in any way, and I couldn't make sense of her rages and mood swings until I started reading up on NPD, about 10 years too late! So basically, it's not you, it's him, and unfortunately the only thing you can really do is cut ties with him as quickly as possible and move on.