Letters to the Editor
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DTMFA
Dump The Motherfucker Already, as Dan Savage would say. This guy is a vampire, abusive, blood sucker who does not want to lose his psychic food source --- you.
However, you have been with him for 10 years. This makes me think the rocks in his head match the holes in yours.
Please get a good therapist and decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this loser.
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pre-Madonna?
do you mean prima donna, or am I missing something?
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Does this man have any redeeming qualities, are their facts left out?
Because frankly, unless you can come up with an astonishing list, of their is a complicated family situation (and even then, do you think this behaviour on a father's part will be good for kids on the receiving end), then I think this relationship sounds way to toxic to continue.
I had a girlfriend who was nuts, a mix of narcisism and borderline personality behaviour (but I am not a shrink and I will not diagnose), and in the end I had to conclude that whatever was good there was outweighed by the bad and abusive behaviour. She may have been ill (indeed I am sure on some level she was even if she could function as a lawyer), but self-preservation became too important.
Go away for a few days, just pack your bags, bring a girlfriend and a male friend or go see them, and discuss the situation. Audit this relationship -- what is there good about it - ask them about his behaviour, especially the guy (and no this is not normal) and when the weekend is over it is time to make a decision -- either
1. an ultimatum to him -- get help! And by the way, here is a list of behaviours, you do them, you will (a) appologize to me in front of the 3rd parties at issue (that is a big threat to a narcisist), (b) you do it more than 3 more times -- I am out of here.
2. go home and end the marriage.
To be honest, I recommend going straight to 2, leave.
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Yeah a not so funny play on words
It's a new category: pre-Madonna as defined by people who are clearly egomaniacs, and we all know it, but are somehow managing to hold it back long enough to get what they want.
Prime example: Madonna and Whitney Houston in the 1980s, Jennifer Lopez in the early 1990s, Bill Clinton during his first term, Ben Affleck when he could still act.
George Clooney's on the verge of this. To me these are people who have somehow managed to fool just enough people into thinking they're not totally egomaniacs, but rather just extremely self-involved, until they get on top and then reveal total diva/divo-like behavior proving they were, after all, complete egomaniacs.
This guy sounds like one of those to me. But, in the case of the letter writer, she'd probably do best to follow the advice of those who have actual experience dating a jerk. I just have to deal with guys like this at work and when I go out. I don't have to live with them.
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Been there
Oh man... my recent ex was the same way. He took my insights and opinions and regurgitated them later when someone worth impressing was around. I never spoke up though sometimes I shot him a eye roll snort that he never seemed to catch onto.
The LW doesn't sound controlled, she sounds like the ambitious one between the two of them. Perhaps her husband is like my former boyfriend. Insecure, and battling an ever-present inferiority and abandonment complex. He's so afraid that she'll surpass him in form and content that he clings to her for dear life.
His identity is hers and he knows it. He knows if he's left to figure himself out he'll fail. At least he thinks that, but it's not true. He needs to stare down his own shadow and own it. He needs therapy. He needs someone other than his wife. Their dynamic will change, but it will be more on an even plane than it is now. At this point, he might as well be a child that she has to cart around in a stroller or on a leash.
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the kicker for me would be him bad-mouthing you
I know it's fashionable to bad-mouth one's spouse, but I've always found it unattractive in others, and my husband and I have an absolute rule against it in our marriage. He doesn't bitch to his friends about the old ball-and-chain and I don't bitch to mine about... well, what I might bitch about is really not an outsider's business, is it? The first agreement we made when we married was that we are on the same side. A marriage can survive almost anything as long as both of you are still on the same side.
Somehow you and your husband have ended up on opposite sides. How did he become your rival? Honestly, you don't sound like a wife with a husband, you sound like a big sister with an annoying little brother.
I have two questions: How long has he been like this, and how long have YOU been like this? Because a certain amount of the problem is you. At some point you stopped regarding his interest in your affairs as flattering and started regarding it as encroachment. I know if I were passionate about helping homeless people, I'd be happy my husband wanted on board. But then, my husband wouldn't be bad-mouthing me to my friends and trying to claim whatever position I had said I wanted, he'd be actually helping me.
I'm loathe to recommend divorce; I believe that in almost all situations, people who loved each other enough to get married in the first place should fight hard to overcome their problems and rediscover what brought them together. I believe learning to overcome marital problems and live together peacefully is a wonderful opportunity to grow. But I think you should divorce this man. He's your enemy. I don't know how he became your enemy, but staying married to your enemy is insane.
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ah, ok
carry on. :)
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He's trying to become the person he envies most
Look, he sounds pretty miserable to live with. But you've invested 10 years into this man. I'm not sure why people are so quick to tell you DTMFA when there's no harm in actively trying to repair the relationship first. Just give it the old college try (unless in your heart you are completely over this man and there's no love left).
I have a relative who was like this for years and years. I moved somewhere, she moved somewhere and then clung to all my friends. She tried to steal all my dates, chased all my ex's (only the ones I still cared about, mind you). I got a job I loved, she got the same job with another company (my company did not hire her, thank goodness).
I love this person, but she was so suffocating. And it was hard to express how suffocating she was, because she was so very insecure and sensitive, she'd get mad and wounded (yet not uncling, so I just had to listen to her follow me around wailing "I'm such a victim!"). She was full of love and a great person when she wasn't trying to be me - she just couldn't get over not liking herself enough to stop trying. The thing is, I am a naturally happy person. She was an unhappy person, so she tried to be like me, cause she thought that was the key to being happy. She never understood that I wasn't happy cause I had the "perfect job and the perfect friends/bf's". I attracted those things cause I was already a happy person. *Your hubby is trying to like himself by becoming the person he envies most.*
My relative would never go to therapy, though she knew she needed it. But I got so fed up I went to therapy and learned how to deal with her better. It really helped. So at least try therapy, both alone and together (if he won't go to therapy, then dump him). It's time your guy knew, "look, we've got serious problem here and we have to get to addressing it now cause I'm near the E-N-D here."
Of course, I moved very far away from her again and she met her hubby, two things which continued her on her own path. Since you can't really do that with hubby, you might run into a problem there. But try therapy first. Just try. This mean needs a life of his own. If he's not willing to pursue that, DTMFA.
PS. I luckily had friends who were perfectly happy to scold her if she tried to speak badly about me to them. I hope you have the same. Their allegiances/boundaries should be clear.