Letters to the Editor
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No boundaries
This DOES sound like narcissistic personality disorder; be aware that even if you do get him to go to therapy, narcissists are HIGHLY unlikely to change. They usually refuse to admit that they even have a problem; they will do everything they can to shift the burden of their dysfunction onto you.
Beyond that, though, this man obviously has no sense of boundaries at all. Not only does he routinely violate yours, but he does not sound like he acknowledges that such boundaries have a right to exist.
You CANNOT engage in any therapeutic interaction with a person when they don't allow you to set boundaries. You can't even start discussing a problem, because they conflate their problems with your words, and your concerns with their actions. Unless you can set a boundary with your husband and have it respected, no amount of therapy will help this relationship.
(If I were you, I'd flee.)
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"Marriage"
The kicker is the end of this letter:
"So what I am wondering is, have you ever come across this before, do you have any suggestions and can you shed any light on the psychology of this behavior? Thank you!"
After telling Cary what a miserable life she leads with this man, and how he is a self-centered parasite - not a friend, not a companion, not a lover, and most definitely not a confidante - she asks if he's ever come across this before. Whether Cary has come across it or not is beside the point.
She's come across it, and she knows it's borderline crazy.
The LW is asking if it's okay to leave someone with a personality disorder that she mistakenly married 10 years ago. Yes, LW, it's okay.
It won't be easy, but you don't currently have a partnership, so you wouldn't really be losing a partnership. You would be losing a dream - the dream of a companion who cares deeply about you and whom you care deeply about. But you don't seem to have this, so you would be losing much less than you think.
You are at the beginning of a crossroads. Thank goodness you have your friends and your church.
It sounds as if you may have been a timid, shrinking violet when you married this man (because no other personality type could tolerate the behavior you describe), and you're now coming into your own, and realizing that you deserve better treatment and maybe someday, a real companion with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings.
A marriage is not just a legal arrangement. A marriage consists of two people who each love and support each other. If you don't have this, you're not in a marriage, whether or not you have a marriage license.
Your husband probably reminds you of a family member who acted much the same way. Just because a certain behavior is familiar to you doesn't mean it's healthy for you to be around it.
Talk to a counselor, pastor or therapist and start the process of becoming healthy. Millions have walked this path. You can do it, too. Your church and your friends will support your decision and help you get through it.
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I noticed that you didn't ask for advice, but explanantions
The first thing that leaps to mind is that hubby is very insecure. He's afraid of failure, that's why he sabotaged his business life. What if he really tried and turned out to be average?
Second, you're successful. You're probably not Bill Gates. You're probably average, but he sees you get recognition for your acheivements that he doesn't get (because he sabotaged them for fear of being 'average'.)
Now that you have a life and he's destroyed his own, he probably has come to be seen as 'Husband of -' instead of 'self' by most of your circle. So, now he has additional proof that he's inadequate on his own.
He's lost confidence in his own judgement, so your opinions, friends, ideas are his only source of worthwhile opinions, friends, ideas.
Further, as he takes over your plans, you look for something else. You're moving away from him. He clings tighter to keep you, turning a minor not-quite-enough-space problem into full-fledged suffocation.
And perhaps, he pursues your dream to prove to you that he's worthy. Maybe he does it to keep you with him instead of being caught up in something else.
So, that's my two cents on the psychology. What to do about it? I'm less than sanguine on the chances he'll reform. Since my theory is that his behaviors are caused by low self-confidence, it's possible that you could increase his confidence by praising him, which might reduce his negative behaviors.
I don't want to play blame the victim, but I mention this because if your response to him plays some role in your problems, then there's more hope for the relationship (which you seem to want to save) than if you are super-humanly tolerant and he is a vulture:
I suspect you harbor some resentment (you have every reason to), so that when he took over your dream (friends, ideas, opinons), you might not offer much positive feedback. Maybe you even make snippy little comments, digging away at his already inadequate self-esteem.
Anyway, I second Cary, you need a therapist, either to help you get away from this albatross or to help you change the dynamic in your marriage to something more positive.
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leave as quickly as you can
I disagree with Cary.
Your husband is trying to control you. He can't stand that you are an independent person with brilliant wonderful ideas.
If he were healthy, and if this were a healthy relationship, he'd be delighted by your achievements and promote them.
I, too, am concerned that he might escalate into violence if you try to escape his control.
Plan carefully, and forget the therapy.
Get a divorce.
Susan McGee
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This relationship has gone toxic
I thought 'sibling rivalry' the minute I read this letter. Somwhere alone the line he has got himself lost in you. At the beginning this might have felt like love, but now the two of you are vying for oxygen to survive, and he sees you as his air supply.
So the question is: can this marriage be saved? And I think not. NOT because of the way he is having trouble defining himself separately from you. This has happened to me with close friends and with my husband from time to time and I think awareness and distance can work wonders.
The most revealing thing in the letter is, to me, that he talks about you unlovingly behind your back. If he does something so lacking in respect and compassion as this, it says to me he isn't going to be very receptive to you chucking a huge tanty and screaming 'enough', which in some cases can work wonders. Not in this case though.
You might still have enough energy to try it - in which case, set a time limit. Tell him everythign you don't like. Be really clear about what you want to see change. Set a date by when, and if the picture isn't looking very different by then get a divorce. Right now this relationship is limiting you and a good marriage should do just the opposite. It should enable you to feel great and do and be your very best.
Good luck.