Letters to the Editor
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This husband is similar to someone I dated
I dated someone similar to your husband. He adopted some of my enthusiasms and I think he did not mention to anyone that I was his "portal" into those pursuits. At the time I thought it a little odd that he could have so much immediate passion for things he had not bothered with before, but then again I thought maybe I should feel validated by his mimickry. Hmm.
The other similarity is the trashing behind my back. I noticed that he had a pattern of talking disparagingly about our friends to me, and this of course made me suspect he probobly trashed me too. Then I noticed that some of our mutual acquaintances treated me oddly; these were people he spent much more time with than I did. Some of his remarks about these other people (to me) had been so bizarre that I doubted thier truth.
He had a phony smile, you know that pasted-on look. He did not seem to appreciate the difference between that and a real smile. Does your husband?
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the power behind the thrones
Welcome to the world of womanhood. I think this one was covered in the liberation movements of the sixties and seventies.Those radical and progressive men didn't hesitate to take on the establishment... on the shoulders of women.
Men will do anything to take up the stage - look at Bill Clinton.
Its an old story... Sigh
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Plain Old Abuse.
The problem is not you and in a way the problem is not your husband. The problem is Carey. His advice often borders on malpractice. He consistently over-psychologizes what are plain and simple cases of abuse, and tells beaten-down people that the problem is in their head--a place where Carey obviously spends too much time. You don't have a couples or marriage problem. Your husband may or may not be mentally ill (it does sound like he has a form of narcissitic personality disorder), but more importantly, he is abusive and controlling and has made serious, ongoing efforts to isolate you. The strange detached tone that other posters have commented on is because you are disoriented and traumatized. Bad people and criminals do that to you. Do not, whatever you do, go to a couples therapists. They have a financial incentive to keep you coming to couples therapy, even though it has been proven comprehensively that couples therapy is completely ineffective in getting abusive spouses (read: husbands) to stop abusive behavior. Hello, news flash: there really is such a thing as a patriarchy. Abusive men don't stop abusive, controlling behavior for one simple reason: it works quite well. Your husband is effectively controlling your entire life. The only solution is to leave. Don't tell him or try to discuss it with him. If you do, I guarantee his behavior will escalate, quite possibly into actual violence. Consult counselors at a domestic violence center and develop a plan to safely escape. Corral and protect your finances and bank accounts. Then, when you are safely away from him, find the time to go talk to a therapist to process the trauma and see if you there were ways in which you could have made better choices, or ways in which your own life has led you to expect abuse. Don't listen to stupid, oblivious, apolitical people who airily tell you you really want the abuse, your mate could change, or that couples counseling could help. Save yourself. Your life matters. Good luck.
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I think you need to really think about why you need your husband.
Is it because you feel virtuous in being a victim?
Is it because you feel guilty and obliged to protect him?
Is it because you feel you don't deserve to feel successful in your own right?
Is it because you enjoy feeling superior to and seeing through his antics?
Is the pattern just something you got used to in your family relationships?
Clearly he's insecure and has issues with his own worth and competitiveness. What he's doing is real and wrong. But he can't do it to you unless he hooks into some insecurity and competitiveness in you.
I'm not saying you deserve his behaviour . . .you absolutely don't . . . no one does. But why are you there?
What are you trying to get from him?
Get the family therapy like Cary said and ask yourself these questions. He can't do the tango unless you're dancing too.
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Shorter Laurel...
LW, it's all in your head and totally your fault. Ignore all that therapy talk and the experiences of the (surprising) number of posters who've dealt with this kind of person and know the trouble signs. And ignore your instincts and your husband's blatant disrespect--you're just a paranoid idiot. You should feel like crap--that's what marriage is about, sacrifice. Most likely if you gave up your life completely and devoted yourself to your husband, you would be a better wifey and he wouldn't have to treat you this way. Remember, it's all about staying married no matter _what_, because the minute you lose your husband, you are an irresponsible non-person...or even worse, you are all allooonnnnee.... :P
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Laurel, please believe this isn't a pileup
You ask how someone can steal an idea. In writing and other entertainment forms, or in papers, it's called plagiarism. The idea, expressed, becomes intellectual property.
In this case, it's simply a dream. But if you've had the dream for years, and all of a sudden, someone simply grabs it and runs with it with people other than yourself, at the very least, that's MEAN. If the person was inspired by you, good manners, at the very least, would require that person to let you in on the project. And if the person happens to be one's spouse, whether or not s/he is employed full-time, a new venture works 24/7. It's just not nice.
Ever know anyone like this? You get your hair cut; she gets her hair cut. You go buy a dress; she buys the same dress, the same sofa. Or car, or whatever. After awhile, you feel leeched off of.
What this sounds like to me is this: there ARE some people who do that to other people's minds. I'm not diagnosing; I'm not a shrink. But I am saying I have seen this. Two things triggered me: the LW's saying in essence that she's grown to a point where she HAS ideas and visions, and her becoming aware that he was betraying marital confidences to mutual friends. This didn't happen overnight. My guess is that, early on, she took the "fusion" of activities and ideas for love and an end to aloneness. After all, one doesn't marry to sue the person for plagiarism!
Yes, it reminds me of personal experience and that of a couple of friends, and that makes me prick up my ears. But it also just plain skeeves me out.
You are right that shrinks are clearly indicated. But I think you're putting the worst possible spin on the LW's actions. If she goes for a divorce, she won't be destroying a marriage; she'll be shutting down a mental and psychic smorgasbord in which she was the main course.