Letters to the Editor
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AKA Smith
I agree, that he trashes her behind her back to me is very worrisome. It just disturbs me that so many people on this thread are so certain of exactly what's wrong with him - when there are so many things we aren't seeing.
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Allie
That's what advice columns are like. We will never hear both sides. We can only take from what is offered up as a problem and go from there.
And if the LW's husband is truly a narcissist, then he doesn't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks, much less his wife.
He didn't write in for advice; she did.
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"It just disturbs me that so many people on this thread are so certain of exactly what's wrong with him"
That is somewhat troublesome. I too usually resist the impulse to make a diagnosis. We all like to be armchair psychologists these days. ;) But, for once, I think most people here are in the ballpark. This guy has some type of personality disorder.
Also, I don't particularly like it that they paint it so dire, but I cannot ignore the feeling I get when I read her letter. It sort of makes my hair stand up on my neck. Here's where people are going wrong: They assume that personality disorders cannot be treated. This is not true. They assume that they cannot mellow out. In fact some of them do mellow out with age. They ignore the spectrum issue. Just as autism has a spectrum, so do personality disorders. A person can be a little bit autistic if they have mild Asperger's. That hardly shows. People can be a little bit hypochrondriac-ish without having a seriously debilitating Histrionic Personality Disorder. People can even be mildly NPD. Also, life situations exacerbate all mental illness. When life sucks, people get worse. When daily life improves, people get better.
The way I see it, if my daughter for instance had NPD, I would keep on keeping on with her. I would never giving up trying to help. But a spouse of ten years? It would depend upon many factors, including how much I loved him and how much I was willing to put up with. In sickness and in health should not mean in sickness and in hell. If I had a spouse, or even a child, with full-blown Antisocial Personality Disorder, I kid you not, I would wash my hands and walk away. Sometimes whatever doesn't kill you ruins your life.
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powerful letter and responses
Dear LW, I really feel for you because I have been there too.
Maybe you are waking up and thinking about what life is about and "living with your enemy", as another posted noted, is hell and sucks the life from you. Good for you, waking up was hard for me, I thought if I just tried harder everything would work out.
But finally I left for good (thankfully) and then had the energy to set boundaries with him (we have children and co-parent); learned to forgive myself for putting up with his abusive behaviour (smart middle class women are supposed to know better!) and finally to figure out why I had chosen and stayed with this man (re-creating family of origin patterns).
I would like to share with you a couple of books that really helped me to figure out things:
"Verbal Abuse" by Patricia Evans, explains how women with good intent but no boundaries don't recognize men with bad intent. She also labels the types of verbally abusive behaviours (very helpful).
When I read this book it felt like the universe shifted dimensions, because I had been so blind to my ex's bad intent towards me. I thought that if only I explained it well-enough he would understand. Wrong. In his world view, he was the only person that counted and my feelings did not matter. Worse, he actually felt better, but only momentarily, about being the "victor" while perennially casting me as the "loser".
"Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft who notes that only 10% of men who abuse learn to change, the others in abuse prevention programs just become more sophisticated abusers.
"Family and Friends Guide to Domestic Violence: How to Listen, Talk and Take Action When Someone You Care About is Being Abused" by Elaine Weiss, Ed.D. The author experienced an abusive marriage and writes with so much kindness, compassion and insight. Her book really helped me to be kind to myself and now to reach out to her others who are in the same crazy-making relationships.
My heart is with you. My gut says leave and please be careful (have a safety plan). You come first.
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@akaSmith
I just would like to say how much I enjoy your thougtful letters and insights. Thank you for posting to Salon, I really appreciate how much the conversation is enriched by your commentary.
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NPD? (More like V...)
Ever heard of Vampires?
-- GSC
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...and what you do with vampires is...
...drive a stake through their diseased hearts!
Seriously: just get out of it - fast.
GSC
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SE
Don't be surprised all narcissists are alike. It's ironic because one of the symptoms of NPD is they think they're very unique individuals who deserve to have everyone worshipping them.
LW victims of NPD, and you are a victim, usually are very kind, forgiving people who are always willing to give someone a second chance. It's not a bad way to be, unfortunately it also leaves you open to falling for them. They're like vampires stalking their victims to drain the life out of them.
I'm one of those people who falls for them too. I also almost married one. Thank Goodness I can say almost! Do read the samvak website and also The Gaslight Effect by Robin Stern. The best thing you can do is start to take care of yourself remember who YOU are! The last time I fell for someone with NPD hard I finally woke and realized I didn't know who I was anymore. I started doing all the things I loved before I met him & regained my life and identity. He's trying to rob you of yourself don't let him do it. Get out now. But do be careful once they're thrown off by a source of Narcissitic Supply they turn ugly.