Letters to the Editor
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@AKA Smith
That one was a brain-burner, AKA Smith.
Your last point, however, sends a clear message. The LW has spent 10 years married to this man. The younger she can escape (and I may quite literally have to mean "escape," planned out in advance), the greater the chance she can rebuild her entire life.
LW, PLEASE don't let go of your job. If he's applying and you're IN the company, YOU are the one in the position of power there. YOU can go to HR and say "I don't think this is a good idea." You don't even have to level, although if it's a matter of survival, do it.
Once he is not-hired, expect him to poop-rap where you work and try to pry you out of it.
Do not go. Or if you must go, don't go till you have another one.
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@chet
Her name was ALWAYS Madonna. She just shed her last name. It really means the same thing as prima donna, okay.
And, to LW, the guy is screwy (yes NPD and BPD). Leave him. You are not in such great shape yourself. Seek help to resolve your problems.
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Movies you should watch that may give you a more immediately understanding than research and books (part 3)
"Fatal Attraction" - in this movie Glen Close give the ultimate performance of a character with severe Bordeline Personality Disorder.
"Single, White, Female" - the dangerous roommate most likely has a particular form of NPD.
"Monster" - Charlize Theron plays serial killer Aileen Wuornos. And incredible performance. Wuornos had APD, but I suspect she may have also suffered from PTSD and BPD.
"Laura" - an old movie. The Clifton Webb character is classic NPD.
"Gaslight" - Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. Nothing wrong with her but her hubby in the movie is classic NPD comorbid with APD.
Now it is important for me to add that these movies present the more extreme ends of personality disorders. People can actually have mild forms of all the personality disorders and never kill anyone. You meet people everyday who have personality disorders, both diagnosed and undiagnosed who will seem to those outside their families and co-workers to be pretty normal. Given all the mating and dating people do over a lifetime, most of us will end up at sometime or another with someone with serious problems. Most times, the wisest thing to do is to get out fast. The problem is that even the mild forms are difficult to treat. Cogitive Behavioral Therapy is usually the form of treatment that is recommended.
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@ Greeneyedkzin
I have read all your letters in this thread and recognize your wisdom as coming from a real place. Your advice to the LW to be careful how she exits the relationship is wise. They always act out when you go to leave.
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It is wrong to suggest that the letter writer has done anything wrong here
For whatever reason, the spouse is (probably unintentionally) behaving in an emotionally abusive manor. Interfering with someones jobs and social relationships is a form of domination and a sign of a need to be in control. If the behavior is unintentional, he may be repeating behavior that he saw in his parents relationship. If it is intentional, he may feel the relationship is threatened by something. Be real careful about selecting a counselor/ therapist. You can get more information about it from books on the subject, and save yourself a lot of money and heartache. If, after months of therapy you are seeing little practical improvement, you'll be right back to where you are and suffered the indignity of revealing your private life to a stranger who might put some of the blame on you. And you'll be out at least $100 in co-payments even with good medical coverage.
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remember we're seeing only one side
It's a little premature to diagnose the husband without seeing the couple from an objective perspective. Just remember, while you're leaping to argue about which personality disorder he has, that you haven't heard his version of the story.
It's the LW who wrote to us asking for help - her perspective is the only view of reality we have - so we have to base our answers on her description. And it's quite possible her description is accurate in every way. But I think it's important before recommending major life changes to consider that maybe, just maybe, she should check her view of reality with that of an objective viewer, such as a therapist.
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@ Allie_
There is nothing wrong with the LW consulting a therapist. She will probably need one. Consulting a therapist doesn't mean that the person consulting one actually has anything wrong with them. People consult therapists for things such as grief. The only problem is that to get any kind of long term treatment, a diagnosis is required in order to get reimbursement from insurance. The problem with diagnoses is that they can be labels as much as they can reflect reality. A misdiagnosis can affect someone's ability to get health insurance for the rest of their lives and mental health problems are not reimbursed in parity with physical health problems. I kid you not, if I ever go back to a shrink, I will do so under a false name, pay cash, and never give my Social Security number. I cannot get health insurance because of misdiagnosis. If the LW isn't ill, she doesn't need long term treatment. Less than ten visits usually allows treatment for minor problems without acquiring a diagnosis.
While it is true we only have one side of the story, and while it is true that crazy people can find each other, the LW actually sounds pretty normal.
I probably have a different attitude about marriage than you do. To me, if there are no children involved, there is no reason to stay married to someone who is driving you nuts. However, if you do have children, then your responsibility is to make sure your children don't suffer by having a parent whose mental illness impacts seriously upon their welfare.
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@ Allie
The dog had to go out, so I posted before I was finished.
Just to add a bit more, what really bothers me about this guy is the way he is trashing her reputation, especially as he seems to be doing this within their church circle. You know how churches can be? Like small towns? To me, that sort of behavior seems particular dirty and vengeful. This is just not loving behavior. If you are going to stay with someone, you want a least a measure of love and respect.
To me, everything she has described screams Watch Your Back! A person's reputation really matters. Lose that and you can lose other important things as well.