That is probably a good thing. However, it WOULD give you more to dicker about than who gets to choose the next book for the book club.

LW: You are going to read alot of DTMFA responses from this crowd. Ignore them. Cary's right (& I am fairly anti-therapy): Get some therapy. I think your man is really into you and kinda insecure. I am guessing that this "trashing my name" stuff is pretty tame. Is he telling people that you are a slut with an eating disorder? I didn't think so. I imagine that you might be overreacting. I imagine that you might have married someone you don't actually *LIKE* I imagine that you have been very passive, to the point that it makes your blood boil.

The fact that you have waited an eternity to be bothered by this behavior, that you don't describe addressing this with him - unfathomable.

I don't know if therapy will help this one or not.

I've dealt with non-spouses who do this, and the universal truth about them is that they are afraid to be thought of as 'less', and so become the most obnoxious person in the crowd. They often are seeking the approval of, or validation from, people they upstage. Many of them have boundary issues in general.

What I do know is that a constant upstager and stealer of your ideas is stunningly insecure, and needs a firm limit set. I believe that most therapists would point this out as well. There is nothing wrong with saying, "This is my personal activity and time for me." You'll know quickly the level of the problem based on the reaction you get.

...if you don't have kids, dump this loser's sorry ass right now! You don't need to go through life with a man who puts you down, sabotages you, hijacks your friends and ideas, and then has the nerve to trash you behind your back.

This is a no brainer. Run, don't walk, now. You can never fix things with passive aggressives. They are impossible. Any therapist would tell you this.

This is one more marriage where the spouses are competitors rather than partners. I look at these marriages and think "sibling rivalry" and then proceed to wonder how they can stand an hour of each other.

Either that, or he is truly a terribly lost soul who clings to you for every shred of manufactured identity.

I knew of a relationship like this. It turned abusive and extortionate.

Be careful if you come into money.

I know that sounds like a fortune-teller, but this guy's got bad boundaries, and your saying that you'd developed your own life indicates that you've grown up some since you married this man.

People get to be the stars of their own movies and co-stars in their marriages. If this guy's trying to shove you off the stage, take the hint.

And be CAREFUL if you leave, for God's sake.

His behavior is not mysterious or unique. He is a completely typical sufferer of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

All the behaviors you described are so ordinary for a Narcissist that they sound almost copied word for word from a manual about them. I'm not suggesting that your letter is fake, I'm just trying to express to you how typical and well-studied his behavior is.

Everything you need to know about your husband can be found here:

http://samvak.tripod.com/

But do not seek out the author of that page as a source of support, for reasons detailed here:

http://www.angelfire.com/zine2/narcissism/malignant_narcissism_vaknin_revisited.html

And, please, run away as fast as you can. You have no relationship with this man. You are just a fuel source for his identity.

LW, don't take this the wrong way, but you've left out some information. Such as... have you ever talked with him about this? You know, told him to knock it off? I ask that not because I think it would do any good, but because your answer will shed more light on this.

LOL, when I first read the headline and caption I thought for a second that Hillary had written to Cary. Actually, both Dem candidates could probably use a bit of his advice right now.

I think you should take a step back, think about this pattern you describe (along with ultra-specific incidents that illustrate the pattern) and sketch it out on a timeline. It sounds like a dire situation and I think it's entirely necessary for you to build a "pathology report" of sorts in order for you to do the right thing. Your relationship isn't just in an unhealthy state, it's diseased and that disease needs an analysis where you're not just looking at how things are now, but how they came to be this way. Engaging in this process will also help you examine your underlying feelings for this guy. It will probably break your heart to analyze your marriage so coldly and it should. How it breaks your heart is the important question that needs answering. Additionally, I would recommend compiling your knowledge of your husband's parents' marriage, as that will yield clues to where he might be going. He might have had an Archie Bunker dad that dominated his mother irregardless of her capabilities. Their might be a legacy of failure in his family that he isn't prepared to deal with, etc.

From the way you describe things, it sounds like things have been potentially going south from square one. If they have, that's a far cry from a situation where his life fell apart after a bad business deal or a death in the family or some other pivotal turning point. I think the guy probably has problems deeper than a marriage counselor or other professional can readily fix without his honest recognition that he has a problem. You can't fix the arrangement by yourself. Ultimately if it falls on you to fix it, you should probably consider moving on unless you think you'll be happy letting him take credit for all of your ideas for the rest of your life.

Good luck. Stay forgiving, but remember your priority: YOU!