Letters to the Editor
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He's trying to become the person he envies most
Look, he sounds pretty miserable to live with. But you've invested 10 years into this man. I'm not sure why people are so quick to tell you DTMFA when there's no harm in actively trying to repair the relationship first. Just give it the old college try (unless in your heart you are completely over this man and there's no love left).
I have a relative who was like this for years and years. I moved somewhere, she moved somewhere and then clung to all my friends. She tried to steal all my dates, chased all my ex's (only the ones I still cared about, mind you). I got a job I loved, she got the same job with another company (my company did not hire her, thank goodness).
I love this person, but she was so suffocating. And it was hard to express how suffocating she was, because she was so very insecure and sensitive, she'd get mad and wounded (yet not uncling, so I just had to listen to her follow me around wailing "I'm such a victim!"). She was full of love and a great person when she wasn't trying to be me - she just couldn't get over not liking herself enough to stop trying. The thing is, I am a naturally happy person. She was an unhappy person, so she tried to be like me, cause she thought that was the key to being happy. She never understood that I wasn't happy cause I had the "perfect job and the perfect friends/bf's". I attracted those things cause I was already a happy person. *Your hubby is trying to like himself by becoming the person he envies most.*
My relative would never go to therapy, though she knew she needed it. But I got so fed up I went to therapy and learned how to deal with her better. It really helped. So at least try therapy, both alone and together (if he won't go to therapy, then dump him). It's time your guy knew, "look, we've got serious problem here and we have to get to addressing it now cause I'm near the E-N-D here."
Of course, I moved very far away from her again and she met her hubby, two things which continued her on her own path. Since you can't really do that with hubby, you might run into a problem there. But try therapy first. Just try. This mean needs a life of his own. If he's not willing to pursue that, DTMFA.
PS. I luckily had friends who were perfectly happy to scold her if she tried to speak badly about me to them. I hope you have the same. Their allegiances/boundaries should be clear.