Letters to the Editor
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YUP - NPD, definitely, NPD
How interesting that so many of us who have dealt with NPD came to that conclusion. It was the first thing that popped into my head when I read the letter. And I felt a bit validated when I began to see the responses here nailing it as NPD, also.
LW, please do yourself a favor and do some reading (as others here have clearly suggested) about NPD. You must then decide if you wish to continue on living with your narcissist. If you do, you must realize that they will NEVER change, of that the literature and the anecdotal evidence is certain.
Some narcissists DO have long marriages - the narcissist that impacted my life has been married for many years to the same woman (second wife). However, implicit in that is the realization that the spouse becomes the enabler of the narcissist. It is the only way, apparently, that the marriages survive.
What I read here is the LW was her husband's enabler without understanding that was what she was doing. She was fine with it. Now she is not. This, to me, is the first sign that she has gained/regained her balance, and there is no turning back. She has reached her intolerant level and may mistakenly believe that there is some way to change her narcissist and mold him into a more understanding person or to have a more understanding and workable relationship with him.
What the LW may not know is this won't happen no matter what she does, no matter what type of therapy she seeks. She can only change herself and how she views the situation. She will never change a narcissist.
However, the way I read this, since she is now questioning his motivation, she will not "go back" to who she once was (an enabler), and the only choice, really, is to eventually leave the situation.
But if she entertains a "sliver of hope," she also can decide to stay if she understands that her only function in this relationship is to provide narcissistic supply to her husband.
She also needs to understand that once she stops doing that he most likely will seek that supply from someone else - whether or not she is still married to him. Indeed, he may already have, and in her enabler state failed to recognize or accept the signs of his philandering.
So decide if you wish to live a lifetime being narcissistic supply to a person who will never change - or breaking free and living the rich and full life you deserve.
But again, if you don't understand any of this, please understand one thing: A narcissist is incapable of changing.