Letters to the Editor
-
Hey, it could be worse
You could want to be a writer.
More seriously, to add to Cary's (and others') excellent advice, I think you should do your best to liberate yourself from any financial dependence on your parents. This is necessary to ensure you aren't subject to any more 'financial abuse' either. You don't say that you are taking money from them, but I wonder if this is part of the reason you're still in contact with your parents. If so, cut that tie too. Be free.
Best wishes.
-
Some things to think about
there's an author i automatically think of, Alice Miller, who was so haunted by her own violent history as a child that she quit her work as a psychoanalyst to write about child abuse and advocate for its prevention full-time. many of her articles (also talking about her own personal experience) are on www.alice-miller.com, and she also has a famous book on the subject called "The Drama of the Gifted Child."
i know many people like you who are still dealing with the effects of childhood trauma. it is an incredibly long and difficult road to take, considering how much of your emotional history you have to learn to integrate into yourself; how much you have to learn how to let natural emotions flow (all of them, whether joy, anger, pain, sadness, disgust, love, etc.); it's crazy because as a child, the behavior patterns that 'saved you' (being timid, keeping your mouth shut, lowering your eyes and 'closing into yourself' in order to avoid a violent outburst) are the opposite of the behavior patterns that help you survive in the 'real world'; the world of friends, bosses, co-workers, significant others, helpful strangers on the street, etc.
the reason why your anger is coming out unevenly in bursts is because (i believe) all of the years of shock to your system have distorted your ability to feel your emotions; they can be frightening, so we believe that if we stay timid, quiet, etc.. we can always remain on, relative to us, is an even keel and keep in control. because what's underneath all of that is very, very scary. those distorted pathways of emotion are not your fault, but they are within your ability to change.
get some therapy, please get a good cry, journal as much as you can about what you can remember, cry it out, scream it out, allow yourself to be pissed for awhile, but do this with a safe foundation to support you (within a 'healing' context--- whether that be therapy sessions, reading self-help books, having a very clear-headed wise friend you can talk to, etc.). alice miller would say that you need an "enlightened witness", someone who will understand you and hold a safe space for you to mourn your past and grieve all the emotions that were too dangerous (literally) for you to face in the moment. if i could give you my email address on here, i would. but get some support, don't do this on your own. if it takes a book at first before you feel comfortable trusting other people, then do what it takes, but get started.
-
PS- "Free" Therapy
and if finances are a hindrance to your getting counseling, at least consider support groups. you can most likely find out about support groups in your area by contacting psych clinics at local hospitals as well as looking on Google, calling local domestic violence intervention programs, etc. what would help you is to talk about your emotions, or even your lack of or fear of feeling them, with someone who knows where you're coming from; even better, from someone who's been where you are and went through the journey themselves.
-
My parents were financially and emotionally abusive as well
I'm in mid-20s, and for several years, I would lock horns with my parents over housing, increasing debt they incurred (under my name), my future, the fact that they would steal money from my checking account and make my checks bounce, their lies, their guilt trips, their insults, etc. They've busted through my locked doors, called me horrible names, sneered at my aspirations, and discouraged me to think well of myself.
My way of getting out was moving out of the house first, and then moving to another state altogether. I limit my phone calls with them to only one phone call a week, and sometimes I avoid talking to them if I know they want money. Yes, I still talk to them because complete avoidance is a sort of surrender for me. With this current arrangement, I have a basic idea of how they're doing without being involved.
Distance is key. Building internal resources that take you out of yourself is a great coping mechanism. You can make sense out of the bullshit you went through by talking to friends, reading, or simply thinking about it while doing a hobby. It needs to be sorted out - mentally - before you can really get involved with other people. You don't need to be completely resolved on the issue, but you need time and distance.
A couple of years ago, I would cry before going to sleep on a nightly basis, thinking I was stuck forever. Now, I'm in a relationship, doing well financially (although still a little dented from credit problems), and am generally happy. I realize now that I was never stuck, but perhaps, my parents will be for the rest of their lives.
-
Wish I could turn back time
Excellent topic & letters. Without going into a whole lot of details about my emotionally abusive childhood, I can totally relate to everything the LW said about the anger. I too have been very distrustful of people my entire life & have kept my intense fear & explosive, seething anger hidden just below the surface...reining it in for fear that I might wind up hurting anyone who violates my fragile trust. People have always told me that I, too, behave very timidly & meekly, because I'm acutely aware that deep down I have a very violent temper which scares the hell out of me. I'm currently struggling with a resentment I have for someone which has basically turned into an unhealthy obsession, & I just recently made a decision to get onto therapy to have it dealt with before I implode.
It's a relief to me now knowing that I'm not the only one who has experienced this type of frustrating condition, but I just wish I could have recognized the problem earlier in my 20's to get a better understanding of why I'm this way.
At least the LW was able to do this at a young age as I'm now in my 50's. But I'm hoping it's better late than never.