Letters to the Editor
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Deja vu all over again
Dear Angry,
I, too, was abused. My parents abused me, emotionally and physically. This has become the salient fact of my life- admitting to the abuse, understanding it, accepting its reality.
But beyond all that, I have also had to counteract the effects of my childhood on me. I have had to teach myself self control. I have had to teach myself self respect. I have had to teach myself the difference between self defense and self indulgence.
Here is the thing. You say that you are physically abusive now to your parents. The philosophical side of me says you reap what you sow. The vengeful side of me says hey, they asked for it. But the person who has spent years trying to become better than those who raised me says stop. You must stop. You must not allow yourself to perpetuate the cycle.
When you were young and defenseless, you were abused. And now, as a strong and self-protective young adult, you find yourself in a position where you can take out your rage on those who once hurt you. But I ask you to stop. Stop and think about what you are doing when you do that. Think about the cycle that you are repeating. Have you thought that, if you can do this to your aging (and therefore increasingly vulnerable) parents, then you might be capable of doing this to others, too?
If you can strike out physically against against two people who have been so important to you, so critical to who you are, now that they have become vulnerable to you- if you can allow yourself to do this, then imagine how you might behave with a tantrumming two year old child. Imagine this child publicly humiliating you (as two year olds are wont to do) by screaming and crying and jumping up and down in the middle of a grocery store or doctor's office. Imagine the faces of complete strangers, staring at you with criticism and disapproval in their eyes. Imagine your image of yourself as meek and mild and a victim of years (and probably generations) of family torment. Now what will you do?
You see, if you can allow yourself to hurt your parents, to physically strike out at your aging parents, then you could also allow yourself to strike out at your children, too. Or at your spouse. Or at anyone who is in a position to really touch you. You can do it physically, with your hands. Or you can do it emotionally, with your words. Or in that twilight world between between the physical and the emotional where shouting and throwing things lies. You can do it, if you allow yourself to.
So, first and foremost, I urge you, I encourage you, I ask you to stop. Take a moment, before you give in to your rage, and just stop. Think. Think about what it is you are about to do. Look upon who it is you are about to become. Do you really want to become that person?
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phone calls
Some parents are toxic and you have the right to stay away from toxic people. If your mother is toxic then cut off the phone calls. Caller ID is great. The delete button on the answering machine works even before you listen to the message. Change your phone number if you have to. You have to take care of yourself first so you can get better in therapy, whichever type of therapy works for you. Staying engaged with the toxicity will prevent healing.
Be persistent and consistent and your mother will get the message. Mine did.
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What I learned...
I grew up in a family like yours. All of the adults were angry, unhappy, violent people. Many were criminals. Many were alcoholics or addicts. Some were drug-dealers. I turned into an angry, unhappy, violent, depressed, suicidal kid with a drinking problem and an eating disorder. I'm not there now. I'm nowhere close to there. I haven't been there for a long time. (I'm 39 now.) I haven't hit someone else in anger in 18 years. I haven't had a drink in 15 years. I haven't tried to injure myself in 14 years. I haven't engaged in eating disordered behaviors in 12 years. I have a great life with a great family and a good job.
I'm a survivor. So are you. I know that because you wrote in and asked the question. People who are mindful of the problem survive it and learn to thrive.
Dealing with your anger thing is the first step to thriving. Here's what I think I've learned about anger. (Your mileage may vary.) People mostly get angry because they're afraid. Addressing the source of the fear before you get to "angry" helps a lot.
Whenever someone makes you angry, take a look at what you're afraid of. What is that person doing that threatens you? In the real exterior world is that fear rational or irrational?
If the fear is irrational, you need to laugh it off. Name the irrational fear when it occurs and laugh in its face. I often do this by looking at the problem and deciding what the worst possible outcome of a situation is. Then I figure out what I'll do if the worst possible thing occurs. Then I look at it and decide if the world is going to end and if I will survive the problem. (Hint: The world isn't going to end and I will get through the problem.)
If the fear is rational, you need to identify what the source is. Then you need to open your mouth and ask for what you want. People get to yelling and anger because they're threatened. If you ask for what you want before it gets to the threatened part, you can head off the "anger" stage well ahead of time. Clear consistent statements of desire and negotiation around those desires and a willingness to compromise helps a lot in all kinds of relationships. Most people are glad to talk things out before it gets to the yelling stage.
Not everyone, though. Lots of people won't negotiate or compromise and they view calm negotiations as a sign of weakness. Other people (my mother is one of them) won't listen to you unless you're screaming at the top of your lungs. In those cases do the best you can to express your desires and keep your sanity. I find that hard aerobic exercise takes the edge off of that. Chocolate and old movies are excellent for consoling myself, too.
Anyway, that's how I deal with it. Maybe that will give you some ideas on how you could deal with it.