Letters to the Editor
-
This is all so very difficult
And Cary's answer is wise.
I agree with the writer above who said that if there is a chance of your getting violent with your family, you must stay away from them.
I spent 8 years not taking my mother's calls, not speaking with her, not writing to her. It was enough to break the flood of rage at the sound of her voice and the memories of the violence to follow.
What got me through the most difficult years of recovery from growing up in violence and humiliation was knowing that I never hit. I yelled. Sometimes I still yell, but not at people. I threw things. Broke things. But never hit. That is an easier starting point. Then I stopped throwing things. And, with the help of therapists and friends and programs and CBT and DBT, I am doing much better. I have learned how much of the anger and fight comes from fear and panic and waiting to be wrong.
I am so sorry you went through this. I do hope you find your way out.
-
Hard to get past, but not impossible
All the advice to get into therapy is excellent.
You may also find that meditation helps.
Anger corrodes the vessel that carries it.
You deserve better.
-
Practical ideas...
Everybody here has given wonderful advice. Now, to concentrate on the practical side, sum up what everybody has said (and add some ideas of mine), you should:
- Get therapy,
- Do martial arts,
- Cut or cut back contact with your parents,
(I know somebody who said calmly to his mother that he would stop speaking to her for two years: he wrote postcards regularly to say he was alive and well. He just explained her the truth: that his childhood had been very hard on him, that he needed some time alone to heal, and that it didn't mean he didn't love her. Of course she was hurt, and mad. But he did it anyway, and now they have a much healthier relationship.),
I'll add:
- travel, if possible with a group and in a way that exerts you physically: for example, hiking in the mountains twice a year, with people from a sports club or something, people that you will get to know,
- add to your routine a hobby or an activity that connects you with people and force you to be a little extraverted: do some amateur plays, help with a charity, learn how to sing...
Now, can you do add all this and therapy to your life? Of course you can! Some people do a lot more.
I think it would be a mistake to do "just" therapy. Sports and/or martial arts will do wonders for your self-control, your self-esteem (and will be a great exutory for your anger).
Travelling and meeting people will help you to get a new perspective on life, to forget your problems in the wonder of other places, other people, other skies... soon your parents will appear as they are, insignificant. And you will have a full social life as a result, too! :)
-
You can change
My dad tells me that he used to have a big problem with his temper until his doctor told him that if he didn't deal with it, it would kill him.
Personally, I have no idea what he's talking about because (1) I've never faced the same issues myself, and (2) I've never seen that side of my dad.
Now, I've seen my dad mad or angry, but I've never seen him SO angry that I can imagine a medical doctor telling him he needs to control his temper. My dad says his doctor told him he needed to stop losing his temper and he did, end of story.
My point is...there is hope for you. If my dad could simply decide to get his anger under control, and to an extent that his "anger problem" is something his children can't imagine he ever had, there is hope for you. I agree with Cary and all the posters who say you should get therapy, and with everyone who says you've made a HUGE step in facing the problem. The healing process might be tough going for a while , but I'm confident you'll come out okay on the other end. It's a courageous thing to tackle but the willingness to do so is least half the battle.
Good luck to you.
-
sometimes truisms are just true
Here's a truism I happen to like:
Anger is energy for change.
I don't agree with channeling your anger in essentially useless ways. The punching bag does not need punched. Whoever is annoying you in the first place probably needs punched, but punching that person will not help anything - it will just get you put in jail, while the annoying person goes on merrily as before.
So figure out what, besides punching, will change the situation that made you angry, and go do that.
If you can't figure out how to change your situation, the anger gets backed up. It becomes frustration. Frustration is really bad for you, physically as well as mentally. Try not to let things get to that point. Be creative. There is almost always something you can do to improve any situation, if you just get off your ass and do it. Let your anger propel you off your ass and into action. Use your anger as a crowbar.
I notice that others don't seem to see you as angry... they see you as timid. That says to me that you aren't doing what you need to be doing to take control of your own life and your own environment. You have been taught, by example, to release anger in destructive ways. You have rightly determined that being destructive is bad, so you don't want to do that. But you haven't been shown any other way to be. You think the choice is between explosive rage and nothing. That's not the case. There are many, many other options - ways to change what's around you without hurting anyone.
Perhaps you could start by asking for help. Most people like being asked for help; it brings out the best in them. Say, "This situation is making me angry and I don't know what to do about it. Do you have any ideas?" Say this to someone who is good at being assertive, good at dealing with difficult situations without exploding.