Letters to the Editor
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From my perspective...
...these are the best words Cary Tennis has ever written:
"In my family we channel our anger into our jaws and serve chicken and gravy with a smile to seething aunts and uncles. We channel anger into our joints where it stiffens us with age. We channel anger into our eyes, which grow hard as ice. We hoard it like Standard Oil stock. We keep it until death comes and it matures. We keep it at the ready like cannonballs in a Confederate store. We house it and groom it and take it out hunting if the weather is right. We sometimes, full of shame, unleash it accidentally, and it is like dry powder going off. But mostly we hoard it and house it and contain it in our bones."
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Nothing wrong with being angry ...
LW, first of all congratulations on recognizing something this important about yourself, and your family, this early on your young life. Some people go through their entire lives without getting inside their own heads to the extent you already have. That fact all by itself indictes to me that you're smart and already on your way to breaking this particular cycle.
You have clearly been affected by emotional and physical abuse, but you have recognized this. We all have issues with our parent(s) but judging just from the experiences of my circle of friends a lot of those issues can have lasting effects on us well into adulthood. I know people that were well into their 30s and 40s before the ball dropped, and I know some people who remain in denial. Your realization is the first and most important step in changing your behaviour.
I'm no psychologist but I can't stress enough the benefits of seeing a good one - one who has experience with your particular situation - and unlearning what your parent(s) taught you. The anger you feel is a normal and valid emotion, and no surprise given your background. You can't suppress the anger - it'd be like capping a volcano - but you need to learn how to express anger in a way that doesn't land you in jail, doesn't wreck the furniture, and doesn't damage the good relationships in your life. A good psychologist can help you with this, and I suggest that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might be the way to go.
As for the parents - CBT should be able to give you the skills to deal with them. There may be a way to keep contact with your mother, but limit contact with your father, and it may take a while to work out the limits that work for you. No question this is harder with parents than with anyone else. Instead of "distancing" try to think of it as "setting limits". As for letting go of the things they have said and done to you - that's something your psychologist can help with. In the end you can't make your parents change, although it might help to consider what happened when they were young that affected the way they behave? That whole cycle of abuse can go back generations.
If you appear timid to others there could be a couple of reasons for it. You may be unconsciously trying to avoid confrontation, as with your father, and you may also be worried about your temper erupting. Maybe your not so much "timid" as deliberately reining in your emotions. Either way its not surprising that you feel out of balance in this area of your life - you've been taught one thing for years and now you're beginning to realize that you were taught wrong. No wonder you don't know how to react.
Believe this: you can change. You've already taken that first big step. Will it be easy? Not necessarily. But its clear from your letter that you're the sort of intelligent and self-aware person that could take this situation and run with it.
I wish you the very best!
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Big Paulie
You are so right about that particular paragraph. It leads me to believe that is what hate feels like. I'm sorry for the LW that she receives frequent phone calls from her mother. Maybe she should change her phone number. I don't speak with my parents and it really, really helps.
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Oh, honey
Therapy, therapy, therapy.
You've gone through a lot and you're having to deal with anger, but you've had no proper examples of how to handle it. If you can, get therapy to help you deal with your anger. You need to learn how to deal with your feelings without "stuffing" them (I only say that because I am learning to do the same).
The fact that you are aware of this means, to me, that you have recognized your issues, and those can be worked on.
You can change. My mother grew up with a horribly, physically abusive father, and she changed. She broke the cycle. It can be done.
If you can afford to get therapy, think about it (there are sliding scales if you don't have insurance - I did some for $15 a session, out of a university program). If not, there are books, and friends, and cognitive therapy that you can learn on your own. It can be done.
I wish good luck to you.
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Remind yourself of what you already know
It was unfair that you had the parents you did. But it is unacceptable to treat other people the way you were treated. By all means, cultivate compassion for yourself--but that doesn't let you off the hook. It is unacceptable to treat other people the way you were treated. I have a particular family member that I'm so scared of becoming, and I'm ultra-sensitive to any signs of her in me. Other people don't see it, with some cost to me. No doubt the strategies you have managed come with a cost to you. But still--it is unacceptable to treat other people the way you were treated.
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A question
What the heck is 'financial abuse'? Emotional abuse and battery I understand, but financial abuse I just can't parse.
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Financial abuse:
Financial abuse -- like spending all the family's money on gambling; withholding money for things like food and clothing in order to intimidate or get your way; your general using the power of money as a cudgel to break your family's back.