Letters to the Editor
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I was you
Wow. This takes me back. Twenty years ago, I was a freshman from California at the Top Ivy League School in the country. I too hated the weather, I missed all of my friends, I found East Coast attitudes, especially towards people who were different in some way, inexplicable, and I had a huge blow-up with my roommate.
I don't want to project my experience onto you, since that was then,this is now, you are you, and I am just me. I guess, though, that I can talk about what happened to me to improve things. I made some friends besides my roommate. For me, it was kind of accidental, and it sounds as if you've already started that step in finding a rooming group. I also got out in the city, or even outside of the city, a little. The campus is just a small part of what New England has to offer. The cities have historic sites (and sights) and these rich, interesting neighborhoods which are very different from California neighborhoods because they are so dense and so old. I changed my campus job to something less depressing and more fun. In May, the weather finally gets good again. When you are eating ice cream by the river after your last final, things look better.
I don't know if college would have been better for me overall if I had transferred. That may well be. I'm not sure I had a great time in college, although I learned a lot, including a lot about myself. I do know that things were a lot better senior year than they were freshman year.
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Do not quit
You will regret it for the rest of your life.
Hang in there with your toenails, your fingernails, whatever it takes.
Get antidepressants, beg off a semester, take filler classes for a while, whatever.
But do not quit.
I have quit two different Ivy League PhD programs and I regret it. Yes, it is hell. I'm a Colorado girl and, of course, you are totally correct that the weather is total garbage, the people suck, the "empire" built around these elitist, brat-filled, over-funded, corrupt schools is disgusting. And, your quitting is going to change anything about that?
So, stick in there and don't let them kick your ass. Or, it will mess up the rest of your life and THEY WILL HAVE WON. The bastards will have won.
Do WHATEVER to stick it out.
It's worse outside.
Just hold on. Hold your head in your hands and stumble forward until things clear up. They will. Quitting will not solve your problems. You will be even MORE depressed.
Reduce your classload as much as you can for a while, take a break, follow Cary's advice and DO NOT QUIT.
Jan VanDenBerg
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A better summary of this letter
Dear Cary,
WAHHHHHHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHHHH!
-Overblown sense of N-titlement in NYC
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Could we get some real letters with real problems?
It seems to me we have had way too many letters like this, the overpriviledged whining about their privilege...hwo about something else, Cary?
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Been there...
I too went through an experience like this as a freshman at one of the most elite private colleges in the nation. Looking back on it 10 years later, I'm not even sure how I managed to get out of bed in the morning.
I too thought about transferring to a school with different people, closer to home, with a better climate. I ultimately didn't do so, primarily because I worried that another school would either suffer from some of the same problems as the original one or introduce some new ones that I couldn't even anticipate. I'm also shy and very slow to make friends and the thought of going to a brand new school where I didn't know anyone else just a year after I'd done it the first time filled me with dread. I'd like to say everything turned out a-okay, but throughout my four years of college there were things that bothered me every day about the place. Things did improve a lot, though. I learned how to handle the workload, built a better circle of friends, and, probably most importantly, to spend time doing things that I enjoyed.
Looking back on it, I'm glad that I didn't transfer. I got a great education and met some of my closest friends there. I can tap into an incredible network of alums. And, the thing I cherish the most is the real knowledge I took away from it, in terms of who I am, who I am not, and the realization that no place is perfect.
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She misused 'hopefully' in the second graph....
...and she got into Harvard? I'm just sayin....
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Harvard not a happy place
Everyone I know who went to Harvard undergrad was miserable for four years. It's huge and impersonal. the pressure to achieve is insane, and if you complain about it you're treated as a pariah because after all, it's a tremendous privilege to go to Harvard.
There's nothing wrong with realizing it's not the place for you and moving on. People behave as though dropping out of Harvard is a calamity, but that's bullshit (ask Bill Gates). The west coast has fantastic schools and you will indeed have that writing career you want if you're willing to pursue it--no Ivy degree necessary.
Another thing to consider: everyone who goes to Harvard or any other elite school ranked in the top 1 percent of their high school class. But the most people who get into those elite schools find that they are no longer the top dogs--instead they are little fish in a big pond. It's a huge adjustment to have to go from being hot shit to just average (or at least average in that environment). That's why it's important to establish an identity outside of your academic achievements.
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Three pieces of advice, from personal experience
LW may be lonely, but LW is not alone in this. My own freshman year was a near catastrophe, which was surprising to me since I really had things together my senior year of high school. I think most people come a little unhinged during their freshman year. For me, it was because I had to learn how to meet a new set of expectations (being a bright high schooler in a small school is a whole different deal than being one of many bright undergrads in a much larger school), it was because I was living away from home for the first time, it was because I couldn't figure out how to socially integrate myself, and it was because my parents split up and left me with hardly any home base. I too felt trapped and unable to escape, and wondered longingly if I could fit through my third-story dorm window. But I stuck it out, largely because I couldn't think of a better alternative (I couldn't fit through the window). And things got better. I also know the pain of leaving CA for the northeast, and those long and brutal winters (but I'm still in the northeast, after all is said and done).
This leaves me with three pieces of advice for you, LW:
1) Cary's advice to drop a course to ease the pressure is very good. I faced that decision myself, and I knew I could either be mediocre at three classes that quarter, or pass two and bail on one. Your university may set the bar very high, but I suspect that you set the bar even higher and signed up for an ambitious set of courses. Now that you’ve tested the limits, it’s ok to back off a little. Pick the course you'd feel the least terrible about bailing out on, and talk to the professor. Your professor will probably understand and make a deal with you to take an incomplete. In my own bad year, I couldn't face the fact that I wasn't an effortlessly good university student, and rather than officially drop the course, or work out an "Incomplete" with the professor, I just stopped going. This is now a "No Pass" lurking on my transcript, although all of the successful college and grad school courses since then have made it irrelevant. Even though the drop was unofficial, it took a lot of pressure off of me and kept me from losing my grip.
2) Moving back to CA may bring a new set of problems on the social-integration front. I went to college an hour’s drive from home, so I know a few of those problems first-hand. You'll be closer to home, so you may spend less time on campus and more with your old friends and family. In your case, you'll be coming into a cohort of students who already know each other. The change in weather is not likely to make up for all of that. It is terrible that you feel alienated in your own dorm room because of roommate conflict, but you've found a good solution to that problem. Give your new living situation time to get settled, because your home environment can make or break your mental health. With a good one, you can handle anything. With a bad one, everything seems wrong. I’ve lived in a variety of good and bad situations in college and grad school, and I guarantee that there is a direct and causal link.
3) Regardless of what you ultimately decide to do with your academic career, remember that you aren’t failing here. You are making decisions about your own destiny for perhaps the first time, and it is freaky when your initial dreams don’t match up with the situation you find yourself in. I was going to major in art. I ended up an archaeologist, after taking a detour through literature, astronomy, and computer science. This is your big chance to find out where you fit, and it’s ok to make surprising decisions.