Letters to the Editor
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How do you reconcile daily life?
Every day. Every single day, you do things that impact others, without asking them. You drive, you change lanes. And the person in the car you just merged ahead of is now 5 seconds later than she would have been, thereby instead of just missing the careeening bus, she is solidly in its path. Boom.
You do your best, you bet on the outcomes of your actions being typical rather than atypical. You don't take yourself so damn seriously, and imagine you can control the perfection of others' lives. You remember that even things that are asked for are not always best, and sometimes we never ask for the things we want and need the most.
Think about why you want so desperately. If the answer is anything - anything - other than "because we want to take the ride and see where we go," don't do it. You cannot predict the journey or the destination, you can only make the best of it as you go.
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wow
Damn, that was the most ridiculous question ever.
LW, I say "no, don't have a child and subject that poor kid to years of your endless, narcissistic navel gazing."
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Please get over yourselves
I read Cary's articles mostly to make myself feel better that I don't take life too seriously, that one can make it through graduate school (from whence a huge number of LWs come) and still have some perspective on the world. But this one took the cake. You don't want to have a child because you don't know if the child will want it later in life? Who the f#(#k are you kidding? Please get over yourselves, stop taking life so seriously, and crawl into a hole somewhere. And as for having kids: please don't. The world doesn't need this mindset to procreate.
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Perspective is always a good thing
If you've lived through a few generations like I have, you know this type of second-guessing about having kids happens all the time. In the 1950's, men and women pondered whether it was fair to bring a child into a world ruled by The Bomb.
You can look at this conundrum in a positive way. The fact that you're asking the question, trying to project into the future, means you and your partner are at least thoughtful and reflective. That's a big point in your favor. Can you imagine how many people on this planet have kids without thinking at all, or for terrible reasons (I gotta get away from Mom/Dad, I'm bored, it might save our marriage, we got drunk one night)?
If you do put your misgivings aside and have the kid, a bus could run over all of you on the way home from the hospital. That's the nature of random chance, and we all live with it, your kid included. But you're here now, you can make decisions based on hope rather than fear (the only way to live, really), and that's all any of us can ask.
Last thought: the poster who observed that after the kid is born, you'll be way too busy to worry about recriminations, is 100% correct!
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Wow eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Have you ever thought about the joy a child will bring you? If you are worred about bringing a child into a horrible world, adopt one that is already here and make his or her life better. And please, if you do, don't pass along this attitude. There's no time for pessimism like this when you are raising a little one. Remember, you set the tone.
I adopted a little boy 5 years ago. It is very, very hard to be a single parent - much harder than I imagined. But, on a daily basis, he amazes me with his wit, strength and kindness, and, yes, wisdom. He has made me a better person. And he is not even 6 years old.
Think about the positives. Take a risk. Take a chance. Your life will benefit.
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funny
The funniest thing is that the folks whose offspring will most likely inherit the Earth don't ask these types of questions. They just breed. And breed...
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"we do not need another child eating up our kale"
I don't know why but I laughed out loud at that. I think this will be my new catchphrase.
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Bizarre
This is the weirdest letter I've ever seen! How are you going to consult with your unborn child: by hiring a psychic? Why do you assume this child won't want to live? That would only happen in the case of profound depression. Why do you assume he/she is likely to have a debilitating psychiatric illness?
Have you ever observed a healthy baby, cooing, giggling, feeling totally secure in love? Have you ever seen a toddler exploring her world with delighted curiosity? Have you ever had the soul-rocking experience of watching a child grow into an adult before your very eyes?
No one in human history has ever had the right to decide whether to be born or not. Two cells come together, and after that, the process knows how to happen. Being glad to be alive is largely a function of loving, accepting, consistent parenting.
I kind of hope you don't have kids. All this dithering and anxiety about absurd existential issues won't contribute to a healthy child-rearing atmosphere. Ironically, it WILL contribute to misery in the child as he/she picks up all those strange, fear-driven vibes.
I can see them asking their son/daughter, "Mommy and Daddy need to know: did you really want to be born?" That's almost like saying: "We're really ambivalent about your birth (the real issue here), we're not sure you should have been born, and need YOU to tell us if we did the right thing."
Isn't that just a little too much for a tiny person to take?
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Yeesh
If you're this scared to have a kid, then I'd say no, don't have one. The world does suck; none of us were ever asked if we wanted to exist. However, there are surprising moments of joy and wonder and beauty and love. Only you can decide if you can offer enough of the good stuff to counteract the bad.
(On a side note, I don't think that all people cling to life because they value it. Many cling to it because death is frightening.)