Letters to the Editor
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LW should devote herself to writing existential novels...
...for that would certainly be better use of her philosophical deep-thinking (and would make her much happier) than being a mother.
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My lord
LW and her husband (assuming the letter is credible) need to get out more. Too much school. Not enough hard knocks.
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Is this why some animals eat their young?
I can see the animal now, looking at their offspring, thinking "Geez, it's going to be pretty hard fighting against other alligators in the swamp to survive...I guess I better just eat them before anybody else gets a chance to..."
Yeah, sounds stupid, doesn't it LW? Well, we aren't that far removed from the animal kingdom as well...no child is going to be able to articulate this existential dilemma until they are MUCH older...and by that point, if life is that goddamn crappy, they can just snuff themselves out. Unless you and your spouse are genetically predisposed to have bi-polar offspring, this isn't really going to be an issue. The fact that you worry about THAT and not about whether you can afford to put the kid on someone's health insurance plan means you need to get yo' shit straight before pumping kids out.
Although I would greatly encourage adoption as an alternative for anyone not willing to bring another living person into this fucked-up world, your existential "footprint" issues go way beyond the practical realm here...I somehow suspect that the adoption process would weed you out as well.
So...stop worrying so damn much...when you cross that threshold, then you can start thinking about breeding...
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I love reading these comments
Cary Tennis has the most hilarious fans.. are people really judging someone's parenting ability based on an anonymous half-page letter they wrote to an advice columnist?
DON'T HAVE KIDS YOU'RE TOO NEUROTIC AND YOU'LL RUIN THEM WHEN YOU PICK THE WRONG SCHOOL.
Obviously someone who actually thinks about consequences and stuff and has an interesting imagination will be the World's Worst Parent. :-P
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Gosh I look forward to you are parents of a 2 year old
What the baby wants is what matters and he really wants to stick a fork in the electrical outlet; stack stools in an unstable pile to climb up to get that candy out of your medicine cabinet. He wants to cross the road NOW, by himself (because he's a big kid), not holding your hand or after checking for oncoming cars.
I'm always amazed at the angst well-fed, secure, comfortable Americans can find in their cushy lives.
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Clue first, then kid
Geebus, lady. I thought from the tagline that you had a real problem.
I want a kid but don't think it's right to have one... I have lupus which seems to be extremely estrogen reactive. Possibly I could get through a pregnancy with both me and the kid healthy but it would be iffy. Plus I don't want my kid's memories to be all about "sick mom." Plus a bunch of other considerations which I'd go into if we were still allowed to post anonymously, which we're not, thanks Joan Walsh. For all those reasons, my husband and I have decided that it's better in our particular case to devote our resources to people who already exist, instead of trying to make more.
You? You're worried about guessing the wrong answer to a question nobody asked. Did anybody ask YOU if you wanted to be born? Did you ask to be born? No one asks and no one gets asked.
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Don't listen to all of these shortsighted commentators
Dear "Wanting/Not Wanting",
I think you have a valid point of view. Bringing a person into existence has a tremendous effect on that person, whether other people realize it or not. Choosing to create a life is certainly more monumental than, say, choosing a school for a child. (Duh.) That is obvious to people like you and me. And as you probably know, it is certainly possible to be perfectly capable of "getting out bed in the morning" and not to be "neurotic" while taking the position that maybe it isn't right to "play God" just because people do it all the time without even thinking about it. Don't let the shortsighted commentators get you down.
I myself held similar beliefs when I was in my twenties. Back then, I spent a great deal of time and energy studying philosophical issues. Any way you look at it, having a child because you want to have one is using another person as a means to an end. But it is all terribly complicated, and you might not realize that many other issues about existence arise once you start down that path. For example, if you suppose that one course of action will result in the births of one group of people in the future (say, one hundred years from now) and a different course of action will result in the births of an entirely different group of people, then our actions and decisions have far-reaching effects that are almost impossible to imagine. The standard reaction of most people is, "I don't want to think about things like that" (which is certainly not proof that they are more sane or virtuous than you are).
On the other hand, "people who don't exist" (I use that term loosely) are fundamentally different from people who do exist, and you need to find a way to take that into account. For example, you cannot hurt "someone" who will never be born, and you aren't depriving "them" of anything by preventing "their" existence. (I do not believe that there are souls out there who are at our mercy and waiting for us to bring them into this world.) But none of that changes the fact that being brought into existence is one of the most important things that ever happened to someone who does exist. Once a child is alive, the consequences of your decision (or your thoughtlessness, or your selfishness, or whatever reason why that child was born) are very real.
In spite of your moral beliefs about bringing a child into the world, you CAN make the choice to do something even though you think it is wrong. Perhaps making such a choice is not as bad as you think. If you have a child, perhaps your child will be grateful to you for giving him or her the chance to live. I haven't read all of the comments here, but surely at least one other person has said that "life is a gift". If you have a child, perhaps making that frightening and terrible choice will make you resolve to give your child the best life you can possibly provide for him or her. And again, perhaps your child will be grateful for that. Even an immoral choice does not necessarily have to have bad results. You can look at the results instead of looking at the inherent immorality of your actions, especially if the "victim" is happy with the outcome. If you choose to ignore the issues and do what you feel like doing, you will be in good company.
But if you decide that you cannot do something that you know in your heart is wrong, then don't do it. Look at other options. Adoption is an obvious choice. Even a non-biological child will be YOUR child. And if you fulfill the need of a child who needs a loving parent, that is a lifelong gift.
By the way, while I believe that you can have a meaningful, fulfilling relationship with a pet, it's not the same thing as having a child. A pet is not an appropriate substitute.
Why did you get married? Why is having a child important to you? What do you think being a family means? Think about the reasons why you got married and what THAT bond means. Think about what the parent-child relationship means. It took me a long time to realize what being a family means. But I think if you search your heart and think about the issues, you'll figure it out.
Good luck!